Bar Highlights

Frieza: Well put Vegeta! This looks like a job for the Sayajin Protection Agency! This could be our first real job ever! In case you haven't heard, we take beer, cigars, or cold hard cash.

(momentary silence)

Frieza: ...I SAID we take beer, cigars, or cold hard cash!

(more silence)

Frieza: Trunks! Get out of the damn bathroom and say your freakin' line!!!

(Trunks peaks out from behind the bathroom door)

Trunks: Cause we need beer money. Now will you shut up!? I'm in the shower!

[The Flaming Saiya-jin]

VEGETA;*takes gokus son goten*
GOTEN;What the...
VEGETA;QUIET*sets goten on fire*BURN SPAWN OF KAKAROT,BURN
GOKU;HEY
VEGETA;you shutup kakarot
GOKU;.....
GOTEN;HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP

VEGETA;I call that the flameing saiyan

Heh heh! Quick, put him in a blender and we'll drink him! I'll distract Goku!

(Walks over to Goku)

Frieza: Hey Goku, look over there.

Goku: huh?

Frieza: Now look over there.

Goku: wha?

Frieza: now look over there.

Goku: Where?

(This could go on all night)

VEGETA;HEHEHE,*throws goten in the blender*Have fun

Frieza: Now look over there.

Goku: Who?

Frieza: Now look at your son.

(Goten's head explodes in blood)

Goku: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Frieza: MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!

(sips Goten)

Frieza: mmm...sayajiny...

VEGETA;MMMMM thats good gotten

[Birth of a Legend]

*Presently hunched over the bar mixing something*
Okay...Tequila, malt-liquor, Duff, MKA formula (if ya'll remember it), gin, rum, champagne, 2000-year-old aged wine (Christ's boys saved me one of the Lord's stash that they didn't use at the last supper), shark's blood, Krusty brand cough syrup, and the finale...A Guatamalan INSANITY PEPPER!
*Ace mixes the contents and pours some of it into a crystal wine glass*
Oh, man...
*Takes a swig*
AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! It burns!!! *breathes heavily and waves are in front of his eyes* Well, it passes the first test, I ain't blind.
*Takes a lighter to one of his cigars and then drinks his burning concoction, inadvertantly lighting it on fire. Ace calmly blows it out and takes a swig*
Hot Damn!
*The drink no longer burns but has an intoxicating taste along with the added effect of the achohol, sends Ace to that pretty place where people go when they're high*

(Notices Ace swooning)

Frieza: Hey, let me try some of that!

(Sips drink. His eyes go wide)

Frieza: WOW!!! What a perfect combination! We have to serve this here! Ace, what's in this?

(Ace is happily murmerins semi-consious jiberish)

Frieza: Oh well, we'll get it from him later, assuming he remembers who he is. (sigh). Sometimes I with I could get drunk.

(glances over at drunken hobo, who dies on the bar floor and is sweept out onto the street corner)

Frieza: Then again, sometimes I'm glad I can't.

*Swoons and wakes up from his high*
Ugh...How long have I been high?
*Looks at watch*
Three days?! Oh, man!
*Looks at his concoction again*
Eh? Why not?
*Takes another long swig and stumbles around a garden of naked flower women*

[How the SPA Stole Christmas]

(Walks back into bar and hangs christmas lights)

Frieza: Hmm...maybe we should have a newyears party, or something.

*brings in a 1 foot tall Christmas tree*
*puts 2-3 ornaments on it and some lights*
Hmm... needs something else.....
*sets beer bottles and SPA memorabilia around the tree*
There!

put's presents under tree* don't be excited it's just a bunch of boxes

You saving your money for beer too?
*also puts empty boxes with wrapping paper under tree*

*stares at solar*......*crickets chirp*............yes and to get enough money to buy you all bling-blingin necklaces!

---
after all I am the token black guy i'm just here to say things like bling-bling and that is whack

*stares at sub*
...
*starts putting Christmas lights around the Bar*

(as Polar) Solar, that's why you get what we call a Part-time job. You get Money to buy presents

*gives sub a small present*

Not to mention, the job might teach you something. Like how to screw in a lightbulb.....

Solar: Hey! It was pitch black and I was hammered after one of Trunk's drinking contests!

Yeah, sure...

*helps Solar put lights up*
*gets electrocuted by an empty light socket*

...

...shut up... just shut up...

*sees no one here, opens bar to all*

(Puts beer bottles with name tags under tree)

Frieza: I got everyone beer.

Solar: But the beer here is free!

(Hangs up sign that says "Beer $3.00 for the next 3 hours")

Solar: Aw!

LZ;*Roars*
TRUNKS;I really gotta get here more often.*puts a bunch of present under the tree*

VEGETA;And these are real present not boxes so no peeking.

(Hijacks passing truck)

Frieza: Hey guys, we're no longer out of booze!

Crowd: Yay!

(Begins hatching a plan to capture Santa and steal all of the toys...but puts it off and gets drunk instead)

Frieza: for now...

wouldn't be the first time I hijacked Santa. I have Blitzen in my storage locker. It's a collateral, he still owes me.

The plan to kidnap santa is on

Frieza: Alright, since we're all getting in on this:

Step 1: Kidnap an orphin child.
Step 2: Santa comes to rescue the child on Christmas eve, and...uh...say, how do you get by all that Santa magic?

Grab his bag. That's where his magic origionates.
Then take his Reindeer. Now he can't leave.
Finally, bargain with him, and we'll get what we want.

I have Blitzen since he still owes me PSO Ver. 2.

After bargaining, put him in a sealed room, not a cell.

A man as fat as that that can fit in such small chimineys can also slip through steel bars.....

Hmm...good, but there will be no bargening. We will steal his presents, knock him out, and sell him to the Grinch at a reasonable price. Then there will be no more Christmas, exept for us! Mwahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

The bargaining is a false sense of security for him.
We say if he does what we say, we'll release him.
But during that, you or Trunks will gett handcuffs and tazers ready.

And the whole Orphan thing, let's just let my little brother Polar come to the bar so Santa comes here. Polar's 19, yet he still gets presents from Santa....

Polar: Hey! Don't talk about Santa like that, or he'll give you a lump of coal!

*myself, Frieza, and Trunks fall on floor laughing*

Frieza: Excellent. Now we wait...

(Has a drinking contest with Trunks)

Frieza: You're going down boy!

You're not counting me out!
*grabs a few mugs of beer*

Can't think of anything to burn...

Lepricholn: Ya'v got ta burn the house down! BURN 'EM ALL!!!

*Starts drinking his 6th beer of the night*
I found out that santa is really Dr.light*passes out*

Frieza: Poor, drunken kid...

*starts on 10th beer*
I pictured me going out first....

Polar! Drag him over to another table, he's drooling on me....

on the 15th day of christmas my true love gave to me pants!

On the first day of christmas my true love gave too me,A stolen christmas tree.

(Chris Dark) *starts off and reaches 10th beer in no time* I am the best drinker!

T.V. comercial: Order now and recieve:
Chorus: Five dollars off!
Four blah blah blah,
three blah blahs,
two blah blah blah,
and a Partrige Family CD!

*roars*

*roars back*
*starts on 221 beer*

*steps out of liger zero*
Now for phase 2 of our plan...getting drunk.

Grinch: They're waking up now; those GFers will come running. They're finding out now that now Christmas is coming!

Vegeta: What's the Grinch doing here?

Frieza: Oh, I invited him. He want's to bother Santa. Oh, and he brought Grinch nog. (passes some to Vegeta)

Vegeta: Grinch nog, eh?

(Sips nog)

Grinch: It's 90% more intoxicating than alchohal!

(Vegeta passes out)

(Hangs up empty beer bottles by the fireplace (big ones)).

Frieza: Wait, why am I doing this? We OWN Santa...oh well.

*finally wakes up from the grinch nog*
VEGETA;uhh...what the hell was that...

*still sitting in the EXACT same spot since the drinking contest started, and is on his 3496873rd beer*

Frieza: Jeze, Solar! How are you fitting all that beer?...you're not excreting it under the table, are you?...

whoa,this topic is almost gonna be 2 months old

My stomach is like an incinerator. I never have to use the bathroom.

*starts on 3065728967294th beer*

And let's make this bar reach 500. That would kick ass. (even if it takes 2 more months)

(John the Echidna) ::walks in again::
illl have a...wait this is the bad place!
::runs away screaming::

Frieza: So if your stomach is an incinerator, that means you're exhaling the beer.

(Solar belches)

Frieza: So that's what that smell is! Aw man! Open a window!

And yes, this is going to 500. I almost gave up and burned it down about 4 pages ago, but here we are!

and as soon as this reaches 500.I'll start a nwe one.

Frieza: Excelent...

(GamefreakForever X) *runs in* I want a wasabi on the go!

*also runs in and kicks gamefreak out of the bar*Merry christmas you dirty animal*starts shooting a tommy gun at gamefreak*and a happy new year*shoots a last shot*

VEGETA;Oh HELL YEAH

*walks in*
*tries a sip of beer, instanty is knocked out*

(Chaos Claw) *runs in, barfs, and falls in puddle of puke*

(Sweeps Solar the Chao under the Fridge, 'cause the street corner is full)

(Chris Dark) S.T.A.R.S.:*come into the bar, two-by-two, until the bar is full*
Jill:Beer please!
Hood:Martini!
Bond:Martini. Shaken, no stirred.
Gimmie the hardest stuff you got, all mixed into a cocktail.

(Gives everyone their orders. Gives CD some Grinch Nog mixed into a cocktail)

Frieza: I think you'll find that enjoyable. It's 90% more intoxicating than alchohal.

(Sets fire to dead drunks on roadside, then runs inside before cops notice)

WESTSIIIIIIlDE

*wakes up underneath fridge*
*walks over to Solar, taps him*
Why are there a whole bunch of people running around on fire outside?
Solar: They made me mad
*shrugs* Okay.

[Enter the Nemo]

(Orders Sub's strippers to come in and entertain the crew. They dance on the counter)

Frieza: Oh, yes...

(Polar) *stares, mouth wide open*
...
Can I live here?

WHERES THE PERSON WHOS GONNA TAKE MY ORdER ******(contains 2 m's)!?

Frieza: (Eyes not leaving strippers) Uh...I'll take you order...

I actually asked if they wanted to be strippers. Chas said no, and I can't understand what Indi said, but it probably means no...

FINALLY!!! alright give me cheesebur... *takes menu away from face and notices strippers*

on second thought ill just sit here a while...

me: (eyes glued on stripper) umm how long is she gonna be here?

(Chris Dark) Aya:*sighs* so bored. Bartender, gimmie a drink.
Jill:*still stealing drinks out of a hole in the counter*
Chris:*just stares at the strippers* ooookay.....at least no Lilith.

gimme one of those alchohalic things that put that one dude out for hours that had practically every alchoholic substance know to man in it NOW!!!!!!!!

(Mprower) * comes in *

Errr, hello...

(Gives Aya a duff)

Frieza: You mean that thing Ace drank? Sorry Captnemo, but I think he forget how to make it. Besides, some of the ingredients are one of a kind...Can I get you anything MPrower?

(Returns attention to strippers)

(Mprower) Yup. Do you have any strong alcohol ? I lean really strong, more than 90°

Well, Grinch nog is 90% MORE intoxicating than alchohal, but that's not alchohal. So, I'll have to recomend this bottle of rubbing alchohal. Just put some barely and skitles in it and it'll be fine.

message 300:

aww man!!! no ace drink? crap!

me: no ace drink? ok then... umm is there any more "liquid gohan"?

your all welcome i think they were going to blow up the skool if noone came to see them so i brought them over...so when's the fight?

MAKE ME A MAGARITA!!!

frieza:(eyes not leving strippers) ok here ya go *hands magarita*

me:*steals frieza's beloved lighter, lights magarite on fire, and throws it at frieza's head!* IS THERE ANY MORE LIQUID GOHAN U FOOL! *runs into back ally, lights random stray dog on fire, and puts on friezas head as a hat* hmm very attractive...

*throws a "liquid gohan" at captnemo with chunx of organs still in it*shutup and enjoy the show!

Yo, yo, yo! I hath returned!...again. AnD I bring many gifts my 'loaded' achohol formula (patented ya theivin' bastards) and the means in which to make it.
(Dumps a vial of liquid into a barrel with some sickly looking thick brew and stirs it with a wooden oar. After stirring for a fullk minute, Ace pulls out the burned oar.)
Whew, that'll put hair on ya chest, even if ya are a woman.
(hooks the barrel to the taps and chills in the corner watchin' the buxum dancing women.)
Drink 'snicker' responsibly!

*stares at ace*....where's my gift?

yo! ace is that the drink you passed out on... twice... several pages back? *looks over at frieza and notices that he still hasnt noticed the flaming dog hat on his head and then realizes what the stripper just started doing and suddenly doesnt care about his liquid gohan/ace drink*

Actually, it was Goten.

(Breaks metal pool-que with flaming dog engouged on it over Captnemo's head)

Frieza: NEVER TOUCH MY LIGHTER!!!

(Drink's Ace's concoction. Goes into drug fantasy. Returns to find strippers gone)

Frieza: What? What happened?

Ace: They finished. The next show starts in an hour...MAN!

Frieza: Aw man! I missed the best part...

I gotta be here more often

Yup

man i missed too much karma

(HyperShadowZero) *Drinks 3 kegs* You don't know me. Stay away from my wife. Look a penny.
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NOOO! MEANDMYTRUELOVESHALLBECOMEONE!
*THUMP*

*wet willy and flameboy appear and run after the strippers*hey,were back we need our lapdances!
me:who said my strippers could leave?

Frieza: I think they got tired...they say 45 minutes to the next show.

>_< I can't wait 45 minutes for a lap dance!!

(HyperShadowZero) *Wakes up*

Uh, do I have to pay?

um... yeah.... sure.... that'll be $50

me: ow... *steals friezas lighter... again..., runs into the street and dances around like a maniac lighting random passing cars on fire, and is finally hit by a pickup truck**walks back into bar* (dazed) so how much longer til the strippers start again? *.*

frieza: NO!!! my lighter!!! *whacks nemo on head with beer bottle and takes back ligher*

me: (now even more dazed) wha-? *grabs beer keg and chucks it at friezas head* take that u- *keg misses, bounces off solar's head, flies up into the air, and lands on top of the now nearly dead and barely concsious nemo* well that wasnt exactly what i expected *falls on floor and sees ace drink lying next to him* ahh finally *drinks 3 cups in a row without stopping to take a breath and then flies off to that happy place with the flowers, rainbows, and naked women*

Frieza: (blank stare)...aw great, he used a lot of the fluid! (lights Nemo) Well...still works...

(Looks around at the near deserted bar.)
Wow, I come back and the place gets empty.
(Walks over to the bar and takes a deep swig of his concoction)
Ooh, look at the pretty flowers...Ahhhhh! It burns, it burns, MAN!!!

Yeah. The bars have been pretty slow for months now. Just us hard-core alchoholics left...

Yep......

me: (still on fire and still misserably drunk) *wakes up* wha-?... AHHH!!! im on fire!!! AHH!!! HELP! PUT IT OUT! PUT IT OUT! *runs to nearby grocery store*

manager: what the hell!? *turns on a hose and sprays nemo*

me: ahh. THANK U!!! *buys a blowtorch and runs back to bar* YO! frieza!!! take this!!! *lights full keg of ace's concoction on fire with blow torch(nearly blowing us all up) and throws it at frieza's head(this time not missing)* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

frieza: U IDIOT!!! U THREW THAT AT THE STRIPPERS!!! NOT ME!!!

me: *passes out only to wake up later in an ally with a blindfold over eyes and a shotgun to head*

frieza: this is for killing the strippers!!! err.. even tho i already highered more.. ANYWAY!!! *aims shotgun at nemo's head and fires* (a loud bang is heard) *frieza misses terribly having just drank an entire 10 kegs of ACE DRINK and hits a window, setting off an alarm and RUNS back to the bar and passes out on the floor*

me: *passes out again*
(3 minutes later)
me: *wakes up in a jail cell having been blamed for shooting out the window and setting off the alarm* aww crap! *cons a guard into giving gun and shoots way out of prison killing everyone alive so that there is no evidence and runs... no... takes a cab! back to the saiyans club bar and grill*

(Nemo is met with a free keg of Ace drink)

Frieza: It's just for going to jail instead of me. In fact, free booze for everyone!

(Everyone drinks themselves stupid, goes into seizure, and wakes up tommorow, where they find punk teens stealing their wallets, booze, and strippers)

Vegeta: Hey you little punks! Get away from there!

(All ocupants of the bar savagly and drunkenly maul the punks, then grind them up into drinks)

Frieza: Man...this is getting wierd...

Ace: No kidding...but at least we can't feel anything!

Frieza: Yeah. And that's all that counts!

(Gang resumes normal drinking habits...most of them, anyway, while the strippers begin their show again)

me: *stares at frieza* (nearly crying of happiness) *sniff* thank you... i love this intoxicating stuff... I LOVE YOU FRIEZA!!! (please keep in mind im drunk at the moment) so when do the strippers start again... *notices strippers already started* @<=^D

Hey.... why do these strippers dance on the bar? They knocked over a perfectly good beer! And another thing... what's the deal with cheese? I mean, Is it really almighty? Should we worship it?

*everyone stares at Solar, then he's knocked out with a baseball bat*

(Polar) *is seen holding the baseball bat*
Hey, someone had to shut the drunken idiot up!

Were the only beer drinkers here ever,everyone else always did MKA.We got the good stuffd

I like PIE

me: (on floor rolling in circles hugging keg of ACE DRINK and crying of happiness) *drinks glass of ACE DRINK* i love u frieza... *drinks another glass* i ace u love!
*cop walks in*
cop:OK WHO'R THE DRUNKEN IDIOTS THAT'VE BEEN DISTURBING THE NEIGHBORHOOD!?
me:huh? AHH! I SWEAR TO DRUNK OCIFER!!! IM NOT GOD!!! OK??? *passes out on floor*
cop: *notices strippers* (mouth hanging wide open) ok... i guess its not u guys... ill just go to the next bar... *walks out withour eyes leaving strippers*

ahhhhhhhhh....u just killed the only thing that still lived in my skool after hours....4 that u must not live!

The time has come! I am going to get a PS2 and buy Jade Cocoon 2! I know it's sacreiligeous but face it people who haven't embraced it already, The DC ain't comin' back.

(MrGameAndWatch) *smacks everyone with sizzling sausages*

hi everyone! where's nick? my friend Ultima000 said I'd find him on this board...

big, big mistake kid*takes out lightsaber and runs towards mr. game and watch gets stopped by fellow spa members*
spa:not today sub,not today...he's just looking for nick.
me:but i hav'nt killed in so long

(MrGameAndWatch) whoops, sorry subrosian :P

*gives people delicious sizzling sausages* :)

anyways, where's nick?

(Arms a Glock and jumps up from his stupor)
Who smacked me wit' that thing! I swear if one of ya'll doesn't say somethin' now I'll tear this place apart just like I used to do.

(MrGameAndWatch) That'll be me...

*gets out Oil Panic bucket*

just three shots...

(Holds the gun under his chin)
You, sir have signed you're own death warrent.
(pulls the trigger...)

Frieza: Calm down Ace, he's new here.

(Offers Mr. Game and watch a drink)

G&W: Don't mind if I do!

(G&W drinks, them falls on the floor into a magical happy land)

Frieza: NOW wail on him. He may be numb, but it'll make you feel better.

(MrGameAndWatch) *wakes up*

*holds out Oil Panic bucket*

just two more shots...

(HyperShadowZero) That's about $16.66 for 1 keg!
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Give me one more and put the others on my tab.

(Mprower) Not that expensive...

Woaw, it's been 3 days i didn't went here and i missed more than 100 posts.
BTW the drink was good ( BUUUUUUUUUURP ). Can i have another ? i'll pay you later, put it on my account.

me: *wakes up* ahh i think i finally got over my drunkenism(?). *notices G&W* CRAP! guess not since theres a 2 dimentional moron running around hitting ppl with sausages............. o well! *drinks pitcher of ACE DRINK and isnt fazed by it* what the hell? *drinks his entire keg of ACE DRINK and still isnt fazed* DAMMIT! they sure dont make this stuff as strong as they used to... wait! yes they do it just doesnt seem like it. YO! FRIEZA!!! wahts the most intoxicating stuff u got in this place (yes intoxicating not alchoholic) and where the **** is the cheeseburger that i ordered back on page 29!? or did i decide not to have that?... hmmmm... *steals friezas ligher and wallet, places the wallet in solars pocket so frieza will blame him instead of nemo (hint hint), lights a stray cat on fire, engouges the cat with a pool cue and wacks frieza on the head* I SAID!!!.... whats the most intoxicating stuff u got!?!?

(MrGameAndWatch) *hits captnemo with some more sausages*

2-D moron, eh?

Frieza: First of all...

(Takes lighter back, runs to a nearby gas station, buys another lighter, then blows up station and returns. Shoves New lighter down Nemo's throat)

Frieza: There. Now STOP STEALING MINE!!! It's almost empty.

(Takes wallet back from Solar's pocket, then throws him into Polar, causing a herendious reaction, destroying an unrelated third-world country)

Frieza: Now, about that drink. I'd say the most intoxicating stuff we got is this drum of poison. It's not very flavorful, but it sure knocks you cold! Though I can't gaurentee that you'll ever wake up...oh, and here's your cheese burger. That'll be 12 dollars for all the stuff you've bought or destroyed so far...

me: *takes lighter out of throat* *looks at cheeseburger* is this well done? o well itll do the trick. and about that poison stuff... is there anything thats close to that intoxicating that actually has flavor? *uses ligher to light G&W on fire (can 2-D morons really catch fire? i guess so), sticks blade through his punt "2-D" body and uses the blade to force frieza into giving nemo new lighter (^_^) and breaks it.(leaving only the old lighter that is still currently in my posession)* HA! *locks lighter in a box and swallows the key* HAHAHAHA... *cough* ha... *cough* *starts choking on key* help... *whacks friza on the head with the G&W sword*

frieza: O! i know the heimlich... too bad u stole my lighter and hit me on the head with G&W! hmmm but u still ow me that $12 for the burger...*performs heimlich*

me: *crying* i love ya man! *gives frieza a hug only to be met by the shotgun that earlier got nemo in jail* *lets go of frieza* hey thats not nice! remember im the guy who kept u out of jail!!! and while ur at it ill take some grinch nog *steals friezas wallet while hes making grinch nog and takes $12*

frieza: here ya go *hands grinch nog*

me: uhh *hides wallet* could put some uhh... more?... in that cup?

frieza: (confused) o......k... *turns around to put more in cup

me: *leans over counter and innocently places wallet back in pocket* thatnks

frieza: *feels something grab his butt* WHAT THE...!!!! *turns around* huh?

me: *has turned and is seemingly paying close attention to solar and polar beating the crap out of eachother*

frieza: ...... umm heres ur drink...

me: *turns around* (clenched teeth) THANKS!!! and umm heres ur $12 *hands frieza his own $12* (whispering) its only a crime if u get cought... its only a crime if u get cought... its only a crime if u get cought...

frieza: (angry) NEMO!!!

me: (tiny pathetic voice) ...yes?

frieza: nuthin u gave me $13 not $12

me: ..............

me: *starts dancing around the room with friezas lighter* man its starting to get a little slow in here... *lights trained lion from passing circus truck on fire and starts entertaining everyone with it* hmm this oughta attract some customers...

lion: ROAR! *dies*

me: ................................................................

(Ultima000) *walks in*

hi! has anyone seen...

*looks around*

hey! who stabbed my pal?

Mr.G&W: captnemo...

alright, that does it!

*roundhouses captnemo*

*watches captnemo flies through wall*

*pulls out headphones, listens to Lovefool*

hey. wassup everyone. gimme a root beer and get my pal an ambulance :P

GAME AND WATCH IS A TWO DIMENTIONAL MORON (hes also dead now cuz i gouged his body with a blade hehe) AND I HAVE NO... *notices a several G&W's starting to gather in the doorway* FEAR... *more start gathering* that...(voice getting smaller and more puny) i... will... *mob of G&W's are formed at door* be... hurt?

mob of G&W's: GET HIM!!!

me: AHH!!! *runs!(into back ally)* hmmm... wait a sec... *makes a very small opening of boxes that the G&W's can only fit through two dimentionally* hehe *waits until all G&W's are gathered in the middle of the boxes and pulls out the blow torch i bought a ocuple pages back* DIE U 2-D MORONS!!! *starts flaming all the 2-D morons (hehe)* MHUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA hmmm y arent the burning faster? I GOT IT!!! *pulls an extra glass of ACE DRINK out of pocket (pocket? YES![what!?]) and throws it at the G&W mob causing the "2-D morons" to explode in a giant... 2-D... fireball (???)* now to return to my grinch nog. *returns to bar* so frieza u still never answered when i asked what the most intoxicating thing u have is that actually has flavor?

(Ultima000) *taps captnemo on the shoulder*

I'm not Mr. G&W

I'm Falco

*tosses captnemo out of the bar*

can I get that root beer and the ambulance soon?

alright thats it ultima... U WANNA PIECE-A-ME!?!? i have way more experience than u on how to seriously hurt ppl on this site! er... well u know what i mean! PLUS! im drunk! ...kinda
NOW! this is my particularly favorite way of hurting ppl. ill take u through it step by step.
1) find something the "victim" is emotionally attached to (in your case, G&W)
2) steal friezas lighter and light that object on fire (in your case i would light that "2-D moron" on fire)
3) engouge the object onto something that you can whack ppl with. usually the nearest of these type of object (in this case im going to grab the sword that i whacked frieza with and also has G&W conveniently located on it already)
4) (this ones obvious) WHACK THE PERSON WITH IT!!! (in this case... U!)
*whacks ultima with G&W engouged sword*
5) do whatever the heck else u want to do with their pathetic souls (this should usually teach them not to screw with... uhh me )
*walks behind bar and pulls out bottle of pure rubbing alchohal*

ultima: (dazed @_@) what-a u gonna do with that...?

me: ooooo ull see... *starts up blow torch) YEAHAHA! *aims torch at ultimas head (but is still standing about 10 ft away)

ultima: uhh that thing doesnt reach me...

me: ............ yea no crap! *starts slowly pouring alchohal (highly flamable[duh]) over blow torch sending a huge 10 ft. high fireball whirling at ultimas head* whoa! if i can do that i wonder what i can do with the whole bottle... *drags the now unconcsious ultima into back ally* ok lets see what this baby can do! *starts torch, aims, and dumps entire bottle in front of troch causing a massive "mobile explosion" in ultimas derection* ...cool *thingy blows up in ultimas face sending him that place with the angels and harps and... err... happy stuff(?)

Good thing I already spent the money in his wallet....

thats too long too read

first of all...nemo i don't care who the hell u think u are...but, ask anyone, I am one of the true fighters around this board and i don't need some punk beer jokey tellin' me how to fight!!!!!!!!

(MrGameAndWatch) *gets up*

*Fire Attacks captnemo*

stupid 30-post restriction per day...

ok subrosion i wasnt telling YOU how to fight ok?
adn uhh how did G&W come back from the dead?

(Snatches lighter back)

Frieza: How did YOU come back from the dead? By the way, heckling people in the bar costs extra. Now seeing as this is your first night, I'm going to need payment now. BOYS!

(Security guards rush in, thouroghly beat the crap out of Nemo, but upon finding no money, rip off his thumbs)

Frieza: Hmm...we haven't been able to put thumbs in a drink since the good old days. Oh, and I think Ace's stuff is the strongest we got. You could add some anti-freeza-I mean freeze to it, but you'll probably go blind...

(Lights clown brigade that come in with the circus crap. Clowns flail around demonicly, then crash into a shelf of beer and explode)

Frieza: Still works...

[Sub's Torture Room]

nemo: *sees solar raise beer for toast and turns to frieza working on drink* hurry up with the drink! i wanna raise it for the toast!
frieza: im goin as fast as i can! *drops some kind of liquid into drink one drop at a time* its a very delicate process.
nemo: gr... *punches frieza who drops drink on floor. the drink explodes in a cloud of smoke. when the smoke clears, nemo and frieza are gone*

~in another dimension~
(nemo and frieza appear)
nemo: good job einstein! your friggin "delicate process" just transported us somewhere.
frieza: are you saying this is MY fault?! you're the one that made me drop the drink!
nemo:....shut up! *looks around* now where the heck are we?
(a loud roar is heard in the distance)
frieza: lets not wait to find out. use your chaos control and-
nemo: good idea! *uses chaos control but forgets frieza in the other dimension*

~at bar~
(nemo appears)
nemo: *looks around* hm...why do i get the feeling ive forgotten something?

~back in other dimension~
frieza: *dodges blasts from large monster, then returns fire and kills it* it figures i had to travel to another dimension with an idiot, which happens to be the only on of us that can use chaos control, that cant even remember what happens when he sticks a finger in a light socket, 30 seconds after sticking his finger in one!

(Returns through dimentional portal and finishes toast)

Frieza: Yeah, those were the days when we'd go through 2 bar topics a night! But who knows, when summer starts again, we might just get some more action! Now if you'll excuse me...

(Walks up to Nemo)

Nemo: Oh hi Frieza, where've you been?

(Unamused stare)

Nemo: ...Ooo! Copper wiring!

(Runs over to a spool of copper wire and begins playing with it)

Frieza: ...We must do something about this...

Sub: Let's wrap him up and mail him to China.

Frieza: Chaos control.

Sub: Damn.

*drinks a beer and knocks out nemo with a steel chair*Oh hell yeah

nemo: *wakes up* ow... *looks around* anyone want to tell me why im laying on the ground with a big mark on my head as if ive just been hit with a steel chair?

trunks: mm....no not really.

nemo: HA! you did it! i can tell!

trunks: no crap sherlock. its not that hard, you just gotta read the last couple posts.

nemo:....shut up! dont make fun of me because im stupid... and how DOES liger drink beer anyway?

TRUNKS:*see's his liger drinking beer*o_O..I never really thought of that.I gotta figuer out
(SMACK!!!)*hits nemo again with the chair*

how he does that.

*Drinks beer*

Trunks:How the heck is it that you can drink beer?

LZS-*drunkenly roars*

Trunks-Is that right.

nemo: *gets hit with chair* O.o....o.O....O.o....o.O ow... *looks over at trunks* is it just me, or does it seem like hes trying to start something?
(no one answers)
nemo:...ok then! gimme a pure alchohal with cherry.

LZX*passes him a pure alchohal with cherry*

Trunks:When were you able to change your armors by yourself all of a sudden?

LZX-*roars*(translation)Since I got smarter than you.

nemo: wait a sec... i though you were always smarter than trunks just because he was a plain old idiot.
trunks: *picks up chair* excuse me? you wannna say that again?
nemo: O.o; no... *sips alchohal with cherry and passes out*

Sweeps Nemo into broom closet)

Frieza: The space under the fridge is full.

nemo: *wakes up and storms out of broom closet* what happened to under the fridge?
frieza: no more room.
nemo: already?! we just made the new bar! how could it already be full?
frieza: *points to sub beating the crap out ppl that walk into bar for no reason*
nemo: o... well in that case! *has another sip of drink and passes out*

*walks in bloddied and covered in oil and tar*
mwahahahaha....now I have a room instead of closet and under frige for everyone! Follow me!
*leads everyone to a gigantic firey room where slaves are running on flaming treadmils to make everything work there's a huge pool of tar in the middle of it(added oil so things can somehow live in it) it has gigantic monsters swimming in it's depths and ,much more surrounding in the room* Welcome to my torture room!

(Looks in torture room)

Frieza: Interesting. Very nice. I think I'll empty the fridge now. If they woken up by now, they're probably dead already.

(Tosses pile of corpses into into tar pit and watches monsters feed)

Frieza: Ah, the cycle of life.

Trunks: Hey Frieza, I think Goku was under that fridge...

...

Both: (Burst into laughter)

nemo: *looks in torture room and sees monsters* woah.... can i have one?
sub: you're joking right?
nemo: um... no

Frieza: Here you go.

(Hands Nemo a shackled Pikachu)

Frieza: Abuse it as you see fit.

*roars for pikachu chilli*

nemo: oooooo i have plans for you pikachu...
pikachu: pika?
nemo: ...but first you need to leard english
pikachu: no problem.
nemo: *gasp* you can speak english?!
pikachu: yeah, all us pokemon can. we just take pride out of annoying the crap out of all of you.
nemo:............well anyway, as i was saying i have plans for you...
pikachu: like what?
nemo: ooooooooooooo you shall see. now that john is here, i know exactly how to put you to work. FOLLOW ME TO THE NEW ROOM THAT APPEARED OUT OF NOWHERE BECAUSE I WANTED IT TO!

~5 minutes later~
(nemo and john are chugging beers at the bar when loud explosions are heard from nemo's new room)
john: what was that?
nemo: what was what?
john: that explosion?
nemo: o that! thats just my new pikachu blowing up a bunch of helpless toasters that ive suplied him with. heh heh.

pikachu: *blows up more toasters* STOP BURNING PEOPLE'S TOAST YOU STUPID MACHINES!

(Super models carrying beer all dance in wearing bathing suits)

All: O.O ...

Girl: Hey boys, want a drink?

nemo: O_O FORGET THE DRINK! *runs over and tackles super model (thus spilling all the beer on her shirt) and drags her to empty room*

*waits and listens untill he hears a slap heard throughout the board and then a splash and Nemo screaming in pain* I so friggin touht those chix to fight good!

(from other room)
nemo: AHHHHH!!! SHES GOT A KNIFE! *runs into bar being chased by the super model* AHHHH!!!

Back up guys! John wants his 7 shots *pulls out elephant gun* oh yah this work real nice!

nemo: *chugs vodka* WOO HOO! now whos the amatuer?! *blows up frieza's wine*

Frieza: Grr.

(Nemo bursts into flames)

nemo: mmmm fire warm. *burp* *burp explodes in fireball* COOL! *burp*

nemo: *chugs more vodka* WHEEEEEEE!!!!!! *steals frieza's lighter and runs around like a maniac*

frieza: vodka can do strange things to a porcupine... but i need that lighter back!

Frieza: ...wait, no I don't.

(Pulls out another lighter)

Frieza: He he he he...

(Nemo grabs other lighter)

Frieza: GrrrRRAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

(Dislodges counter and smashes it over Nemo's head. Retrieves lighters)

Frieza: Baffoon.

nemo (from laying unconscious(sp?) on floor): yeah... YEAH! whoo hoo! just one more-
sub: time to wake up! *smacks nemo*
nemo: *wakes up* -time! DANGIT SUB! @#$&! THAT WAS GOIN REAL NICELY TIL YOU HAD TO SMACK ME!
sub: yeah, well. i try.
nemo: *blows up frieza's lighter and goes back to sleep*

(Uses other lighter to set sleeping Nemo on fire)

no,no,no frieza, like thiz *a pit opens a d drops nemo in torture room*

nemo: *wakes up inside mouth of monster* how did i get here? o well. *chaos control. appears in bar* someone gimme a drink...

Frieza: Here you go. (Passes Nemo cherry-alchohal thing)

(Nemo drinks and falls on floor convulsing)

Frieza: Mwahahahahahahahaaa!

Frieza: Oh yes, let's begin Sub's birthday party!

(Hangs Nemo like a pinata)

nemo: *rides in on top of new torture room monster8 WOAH BOY! *monster stops* DOWN! *monster lays down* good boy! *pulls out package of prime rib and tosses it to monster. monster eats it* now go into the torture room! *monster leaves*
frieza: NEMO! YOU IDIOT! That prime rib was supposed to be for the party!
nemo: whoops...
frieza: idiot...
nemo: shut up...

* a bunch of wrestlers, army guys, and big guys with guns walk in*
me:Hey, guys just in time for the party. oh fell free to kill nemo

nemo: O_O; uh-oh...
leader guy: who is the one they call nemo?
nemo: o thank god they're idiots! HIM! *points to inocent bystander sitting in corner*
leader guy: GET HIM!
other guys: YAH!!! *run at bystander and drag him into a truck*
leader guy: *gets in truck* lets roll men! *truck drives off*
nemo: phew... LETS PARTY!!!

well, that was hopeless... ok guys come out now! *a bunch of CIA and FBI guys walk out and put nemo in a giant floating bubble that is impossible to escape from and takes him away*

nemo (from inside bubble): impossible to escape my ass. CHAOS CONTROL! *appears in bar* PARTY!!! WOO HOO!

*stares at nemo floatin around singin in bubble*Well, I geuss he's startin to inhale the gas...

nemo: *finishes singing* ok this bubble thing is starting to get annoying. *blasts bubble. its unaffected* uh... *tan blasts bubble. its unaffected* gr... NEMO SPEAR! *launches hundreds of super powerful spear-like beams at bubble. its unaffected* O_O;; what IS that made of?!
sub: well you see, its actually made up of a-
nemo: shut up! that was a retorical question. er... yeah. hm... *thinks* ooooooo i have an answer... oooooo ZEPHER!
*red hedgehog walks in*
zepher: what'd'ya want?
nemo: get me some a yo... "special" coffee.
zepher: whatever. *gets coffee and throws it at bubble. coffee mug breaks on bubble. coffee spills on bubble. bubble melts*
nemo: ah... much better now.
frieza: nemo, what the hell was in that coffee?
nemo: beats the hell outa me. ask zepher.
frieza: hey zeph-- *looks around* whered he go?
nemo: *looks around* dont know... o well.

if I know nemo theres one way to get rid of him boys! *the bugs in the suits walk in with a big box of electrical outlets and run out and throw him into the insanemobile with all the outplugs and drive off*(no chaos control,attack, or cofee can destroy it)

nemo: *sits in truck thinking* hm... aha! ive got it! *whistles insanely loud*

~at bar. in toaster abuse room~
pikachu: *hears whistle* hm... master is in trouble. *runs*

~in truck~
nemo: 3... 2.. 1...
pikachu: YAAAHHH! *thunderbolt shorts out all oulets and causes truck to explode*
nemo: *exits truck* good pikathing. *chaos contol back to bar* *rubs eyebrows* hey sub? its not your birthday anymore is it? guess i dont have to be nice anymore.

*PULLS LEVER AND NEMO AND COPYRIGHT DROP INSIDE MONSTER'S MOUTHS!!!!*Mwahahahahhaahahaha....I made sure that all the monster's have impenetrable skin insides, and u can't chaos control either...

nemo: god this is really getting annoying. *sets monster's intestines on fire*
monster: ROAR! *vomits*
nemo & ster: *get vomited out of monster*
nemo: well that was disgusting... but at least we're out. *goes back to bar*

Frieza: Now Nemo, I understand Sub has been trying very hard to torment you, am I right?

Nemo: Yep.

Frieza: And it hasn't really been working, has it?

Nemo: Not really.

Frieza: I thought so. Well then, if we can't satisfy his vengance by injuring you, we'll do the next best thing. Would you step over here, Nemo?

(Nemo approaches the counter. Frieza suddenly slices off one off a arm and a leg and blends it into a drink)

Frieza: Here you go Sub. Drink of the death.

(Nemo magically regenerates his limbs)

Frieza: How exactly are you doing that?

Nemo: Magic.

Frieza: I see...

nemo: I CAN REGENERATE BODY PARTS?!

...

nemo: COOL!

nemo: sub's in the fighting tournament finals! yay sub! *throws more confetti at sub's face* frieza's a judge in the fighting tournament finals! yay frieza! *throws more confetti at frieza's face* im probably going to regret doing that... oh well! im the announcer in the fighting tournament finals! yay for-
sub: *taps nemo on shoulder*
nemo: *turns around* ...me?
sub: *slugs nemo in the face*

(Causes Nemo's shoes to fill with acid)

nemo: AHHHH! MY FEET! MY FEET! *rips shoes off* ahhhhhh... *makes new shoes appear and puts them on* you did NOT just mess with my shoes. *walks up to frieza* YOU DID NOT JUST MESS WITH MY SHOES! *steals frieza's lighter and john's pool stick. then runs into the back ally, kills the nearest stray cat, lights the cat on fire, engouges it on the pool stick, and runs back into the bar* YOU DID NOT JUST MESS WITH MY SHOES!!! *whacks frieza on the back of the head with flaming cat-on-a-stick*

(Eats flaming cat on stick)

Frieza: Mmm. Just barely alive. Just the way I like it!

nemo: *continues beating frieza's head with broken pool stick*

(Tabcef)*Is Staring at...A Beer Bottle?* Lets see..It's made of..
Alchol, Alchol, Alchol, Alchol, and...CONCENTRATED ACID?!?
Hm..I wonder how it tastes...*Drinks the Beer and falls off the seat he was sitting on* Woah...Ok..No more of this stuff...*Gets up and stares at Nemo beating Freiza Up with a..Broken Pool Table?

no fool! its a broken pool STICK

nemo: *continues whacking*

(Nemo eventually breakes already broken pool que down to nothing)

Frieza: Out of blunt wooden objects, are we?

Nemo: Of course not! I always carry my own special stock of blunt wooden objects for my amusement!

Frieza: ...you really should seek professional help, Nemo.

(Nemo resumes beating Frieza with wood. Frieza lights object on fire. Nemo doesn't seem to notice)

Frieza: Alright, now this is really too much.

(Dumps bottle of brandy over Nemo and ignites. Nemo explodes)

nemo: mmmmm fire warm... *shoes catch fire* NUUU!!! *shoots water on shoes* good. no permanent damage. *whacks frieza with... nothing?* 'the heck? hm... wood must have broken. *takes out metal pipe* HA! *proceeds to whack frieza on the head but ends up with face in wall*

[How the SPA Stole Christmas (again)]

(Standing in front of a bound and gagged Santa in a magical container)

Frieza: Our ransom demands are so exuberently high this year, that I won't even bother to list them. We expect payment before Christmas eve, or there will be no presents.

Grinch: And a stocking full of misery for all! Mwahahahahahahaaaaaaa!!!!

Nemo: I held him down, while Sub beat him senseless!

Frieza: And the sooner he is rescued, the better. I shudder to think what will happen when one of us goes into a drunken rage.

Vegeta: WHY DID I GET COAL WHEN I WAS 5, DAMNIT!!!?!?!

Santa: (gagged) Mmmph mph mm!!

Vegeta: TALK DAMN YOU HOLIDAY PATRON SPIRIT!!!

(Beats Santa with crowbar)

Trunks: Atta boy, Dad.

Vegeta: You take that back!

(Punches Trunks, but misses and falls down drunkenly)

Frieza: ...we'll be right back.

We could be here a while. *Pours himself his own specialty* Ah... nothin' like pure rubbing alchohal with a hint of cherry juice after kidnapping the one person that makes kids feel glad and cheary in the winter. *Takes sip and starts walking around drunkenly* And this being my first *hic* time getting to *hic* do this with you guys, *hic* this... *Spins around drunkenly and spills all over the place* This oughta be TONS of fun. *Walks up to Akuma* Don't you agree, Senator? *Passes out, falling next to Akuma and spilling the rest of his drink*

(Akuma looks around slightly concerned)

Sub: Don't worry about it. We've seen him drunker.

Vegeta: TELL ME FAT BOY!

(Santa manages to wriggle gag off)

Santa: HO! HO-

(Vegeta stabs his eye with crowbar)

Santa: OH GOD MY EYE! YOU LITTLE SON OF A-

(Vegeta stabs his other eye, blood shoots all over the place)

Vegeta: I SAID TELL ME!!!

Ace: Alright I got me global TV feed

(Shiro, Ace's Tonberry sidekick is behind the camera filmin the fiasco.)

Shiro: Hurry up and do the announcement.

Ace: Keep your shroud on, turtle man. As you can see, the SPA has Sant Claus (he indicates the blue and beaten half corpse with the bloodied suit) and our demands are simple but diffcult. But if ya want the fat man back, I suggest ya cooperate.

Freiza: First demand; we want our patented drinks to be manufactured worldwide, regardless of the dangerous side effects.

Ace: Second; I want Sega to get up off their behinds and start makin' systems again. You guys got the best fighting games out there and I don't want Bill taking your place. It's wrong, MAN!!!

Shiro: Third; I want you humans to stop making foods with turtles in them.

(Everyone looks at him and sweatdrops)

Vegeta: Oookkkaayy...Moving right along...

(Nemo hands Frieza a paper)

Frieza: Uh...new additions to demands! We now require 3 hawian islands, 5 third world countries in south africa and the middle east, ...a gallon of paint?...and Mars...Mars filled with...syrup?

::walks in with a black T-shirt, sporting the "SPA 4 Life" motto::

Long time no see... It's been a while, hasn't it? Oh well... I'm back.

So.......is Santa ready for his painful electricution? ::holds up two needles::

Frieza: Just like last Christmas. I had a feeling you might show up, Solar! Great to see you! You've missed so much...ah well.

(Covers Santa's head with damp cloth)

Frieza: You may proceed...mwahahahahahahahahahaaaaaa!!!!!!

Yeah, I haven't been able to be around much.... but that might change

::stabs the needles into Santa, giving him a painful shock::

FRY PIGGY!!! THIS IS FOR NOT GETTING ME THAT DAMN PONY!!!

::looks at Frieza's:: ....shut up.... I want a pony... ::hands the needles to Frieza::

::continues to prod that fat oaf with the electric needles::

...where the hell is our ransom?

Grinch: Fearn not, friend, for we have a backup plan this year!

Solar: Who is this guy prancing around me?

Frieza: Oh, that's the Grinch. While we were after Santa, his forces were already assaulting the workshop, so we teamed up.

Solar: I don't know. Can we trust him?

Frieza: He brough Grinch Nog.

Grinch: It's 90% more intoxicating than alchoal!

Solar: Alright, he's cool.

(Solar gets drunk)

Ace: Since no one paid his bail last year, we've taken the workshop as colateral. If they won't pay, the elfs become our slaves, making beer for us year round, MAN!

Santa: Mhhoooooooooo!!!!!!

Nemo: SYRUP!

(Runs into back room. Comes out a few minutes later wearing a white bed sheet as a cape, a brown paper bag with eye holes on his head, and a white T-shirt with a picture of a taco on it)

Nemo: THE FIGHTING FAJITA DEMANDS TO KNOW WHY HE WAS NOT GIVEN SEVEN INDONESIAN (sue me for not knowing how to spell the stupid country[unless I spelt it right O.o]) DWARFS FOR CHRISTMAS LAST YEAR!

Santa (Still being shocked): AHHHHHH!!!

Nemo: ...Could you cut out the shocking for a moment?

Frieza: Whatever...

(Stops)

Nemo: Now... ANSWER THE FIGHTING FAJITA'S QUESTION, TUBBY LUBBY!

Santa: ...Does the Fighting Fajita always refer to himself in the third person?

Nemo: THE FIGHTING FAJITA DENIES SUCH FOOLISH BEHAVIOR HAS EVER BEEN DONE BY THE FIGHTING FAJITA!

Santa: ...

Nemo, you never cease to amaze me......

::sits a chair infront of Santa, sitting in it backwards::

...You want your freedom tubby?

Santa: ::nods::

::glares::

---
14 hours later
---
::still glaring::

Frieza: What is he doing?

Polar: Staring Contest..... ::chug beer::

Santa: .......::blinks::

HAAA!!! WHAT NOW SUCKA!!!! ::electrocutes Santa some more::

Ace walks around the frying fat man as he pleads through his gag. Solar continues to torture him even as Ace braces his hands around the red fool's collar.

"I wanna know one thing, you pathetic excuse for a patron saint...Why wasn't I ever on the good list." He backhanded the red oaf. "Huh? Tell me!!! I wanna know right now tell me, MAN!!!"

He continued to beat him senselessly until Solar wrenched him off.

"Relax, relax," Solar said, "We got all night to...aw crap. Now look what ya did. You knocked him out. Somebody get the smelling salts so I can keep shockin' him."

....damn.... outta smelling salts.... maybe if we get him drunk he'll wake up ::starts pouring a few hard liquors down Santa's throat::

Nemo: THE FIGHTING FAJITA KNOW JUST THE THING TO AWAKEN THE RED FAT MAN! *Digs into utility take-out-bag* CHICKEN FAJITA POWER! *Randomly throws slices of chicken, onions, vegetables, salsa, and tortillas at Santa*

(Frieza returns)

Frieza: Oh great. I leave you people alone with him for five minutes, and you kill him.

Solar: Ah, he's not dead. Just out...and spasming a little.

Nemo: We tried to wake him with some Ace drink.

Frieza: ...I'll go get the life support system. Ace, don't let these looneys near him until I get back.

....Ace, you're going to let me through or you'll fry like the pig himself ::grins, holding up the needles::

::continues to prod that fat oaf with the electric needles::

...where the hell is our ransom?

(Phone rings. Vegeta answers)

Vegeta: Hello?

GWB: Hi. This is the president of the United States, George W. Bush.

Vegeta: How nice for you.

GWB: We demand that you release Santa, or we will be forced to take military action!

Vegeta: Well then, you'd better hurry up with that ransom! The list is growing by the minute.

(Nemo pencils in something about can openers being given the right to vote and fly in magic tube socks without a license)

GWB: Our country refuses to negotiate with terrorists.

Vegeta: Hey! We're not terrorists! We're drunks!

(Frieza walks up)

Frieza: Put it on speaker phone.

(Vegeta presses the speaker button)

GWB: Well...whoever you are, we're not paying!

Frieza: Oh, you'll pay...without the free gifts from Santa, the world economy will miss a critical portion of its yearly income, totaling approximately 3 trillion dollars. Your country, not to mention the whole planet, will fall into a depression, both economic and emotional, from which it shall never emerge! I'll see to it personally...

GWB: You animals!

Nemo: Make him drop pies from the sky! Frieza, tell him to give us pie!

GWB: ...um...

Frieza: Just ignore that voice.

GWB: Yes...well if you refuse to cooperate, I'm afraid we'll have to use force!

Vegeta: And if you use force, we have worries about your country's geographical future.

Ace: Right on! Now get off your lazy republican asses and bring us our booze, MAN!

GWB: All right then. In three hours, you will be bombed unrelentingly until you relinquish Santa.

Trunks: Uh...wouldn't that kill him?

GWB: It's impossible to kill Santa fools! He's an immortal spirit!

Sub: We're testing that theory now. So far he's withstood napalm, emersion in liquid nitrogen, delimbing, and being repeatedly pelted with packets of taco sauce (looks at Nemo).

Frieza: Wait a minute...how did you get this number anyway?

GWB: I'm afraid that information is classified.

Frieza: ...Nemo?

Nemo: Uh...it was GT-Trunks!

Vegeta: No, he's not here today. Bulma took him to the doctor. Said something about mal-nourished and concussions.

GWB: (getting a little bit confused) ...who are you people?

Vegeta: We're the S.P.A.! Drunken mercenaries extraordinaire!

Trunks: 'Cause we need beer money!

GWB: Well, see you in hell.

(Hangs up)

Ace: Stuck up little (incoherent mumbling)

Frieza: Save it Ace. We'll probably have an air strike to deal with in a few minutes.

Santa: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! Hohohohoooooo!!!

Sub: Crushing on a bed of electric needles doesn't work either.

Grinch: Oh what joy as childeren cry, behold their hero Santa die! Ahahahahahahahahahaaaaaa!!!!!

(Passes out Grinch nog)

Nemo: Wait... we have a phone? CALL HIM BACK!

Frieza: ...We already hung up...

Nemo (shouting into phone): THE PIE WILL FLY OR THE FAT MAN WILL DIE!

(Starts beating phone with crowbar.)

Sub: Ya know... that actually wasn't too bad, "The pie will fly or the fat man will die." Even though we're on the second to last phase of our immortal testing.

(Nods head, causing one of those goggly things that welders wear to fall over his face. He pulls out a blow torch and shoves Santa down the stair case into the torture room then touches the blow torch to the gas line leading down there. Loud explosions are heard.)

Sub: I say we give'em one minute then see if he's alive.

Ace: Make it two, and twenty bucks says he lives throught his but dies in the contained nuclear explosion and radiation emmission.

I can't believed I missed this.

(Frieza returns with the life support system and hooks Santa up)

Frieza: Ah Vegeta! You're just in time! We were about to play some 'Reindeer games'.

(Sub and Ace come in with chainsaws and blunt objects)

Ace: Here blitzon...

Sub: Come on Dasher, it'll only hurt for a second.

Nemo (still in Fighting Fajita get-up): THE FIGHTING FAJITA DEMANDS TO KNOW WHERE RUDOLF IS!!! THE FIGHTING FAJITA HAS BEEN WANTING TO MEET THE RED-NOSED RAIN DEAR FOR YEARS!

Sub: You spelled rein-deer wrong.

Nemo: THE FIGHTING FAJITA DENIES SUCH FOOLISH BEHAVIOR.

(Frieza slowly trickles reindeer blood over Santa's eyes)

Ace: Oo, Rudolph ain't shinin' no more!

(Santa yells prophanities about them being worse than hellspawn and twice as ugly. Fortunatly for Santa, none of the S.P.A. could understand what he was saying through his swollen tongue and mouth full of blood)

KA-DACK!!!

(Santa slumps in his chair, unconscious yet again with pieces of his glasses stuck into his face)

Ace: Who's ugly now, fat man? I told you not to talk about my momma!

Frieza: Well, there's only 4 days left. Either they're waiting until the last minute in case their rescue plans fail, or they've given up...

...does this mean I can kill him yet?

Frieza: In 5 1/2 hours, you can do whatever you want...but I promised the Grinch there first blow.

Nemo: (Turns to Frieza) You got the cork screws I asked for right?

Frieza: ...Say what?

Nemo: DON'T PLAY ME FOR STUPID! You know exactly what I'm talking about.

Frieza: ....No I don't.

Nemo: LIES!

Frieza: ...

Ace: (Walking by) What about a cork screw?

Nemo: LIES! (Throws chicken strip at Ace)

Ace: ...I was just gonna say... (Wipes chicken off face) ...that I found on laying one the floor in a corner.

Nemo: GIMME!

Ace: Um... NO!

Nemo: Oh com'n!

Ace: What's the magic word?

Nemo: NOW!

Ace: Good boy! (Tosses Nemo a cork screw)

Nemo: BUAHAHA! (Starts walking toward santa with a menacing look) Anyone up for Grilled Heart of Santa?

Santa: MMF! MMMMMFF!

Sub: Pipe down fatty! (Whacks Santa with crowbar)

(The sound of choppers echo in the distance)

Ace: Guess they wanted to wait until the last minute.

Vegeta: Let them come! No army in the universe can stop the Saiya-jin Prince!

Mega phone on chopper: Attention S.P.A. We have you completly out gunned. We are prepared to blanket the city in nukes if you do not relinquish Santa. You have 30 seconds to comply.

Trunks: How did they find us anyway?

Solar: Probably that neon sign Nemo insists on putting up.

Nemo: It's just a christmas decoration!

Solar: Yeah, of us stabbing Santa while he's bound to a chair!

(Sub shoves Nemo's head into an electrical outlet)

Frieza: (Calmly sipping wine) So...what do you say boys?

Ace: I got their answer right here!

(Blasts down 8 choppers with an octouple rocket launcher)

Solar: Nice!...so...what are we doing about those nukes again?

Frieza: That's a good question, Solar. A good question indeed...

(Continues drinking wine while whistling sounds become ever louder)

(Holding corkscrew to Santa's heart)

Nemo: I suggest you make with the demand deliverin', and as mentioned in the other topic, our
list of demands is so high this year we haven't even bothered to compile a list. We expect
payment by tonight, or ol' Santa here is gonna be turned into a buffet, and none of the poor
little children will get their toys.

Vegeta: I STILL DEMAND TO KNOW WHY I WAS GIVEN COAL WHEN I WAS FIVE!!!

Frieza: Now now Vegeta... we can settle that later.

Ace: And none'a'y'all try anything funny, MAN!!! Or we'll have the fat guy's heart on a plate
faster than you can say "Ho ho ho."

Sub: Nah, probably before even "Ho ho."

Ace: Whatever.

Frieza: (Holding piece of paper) And apparently, according to Nemo, we still require, on top of
everything else, 3 hawiian islands, 5 third world countries in South Africa and the middle east, a
gallon of paint, Mars filled with syrup, and can openers allowed the rights to vote and fly in
magic tube socks without a liscense.

Nemo: Oh yeah!

Yes, any last minute heroics before Santa gets probed in the most uncomfortable spot on his fat body?

....>_> ::tazers Santa::

(Grabs a chair and sits down, still holding cork screw.)

Nemo: I'm honestly beginning to think they don't care.

(Big the Cat500) *gives everything asked for*

Yay. just to see what happens.

(Looks over Big's offering)

Frieza: Hm...seems like he got most of it...deed to mars...hawiian islands...beer and beer money...

Sub: Wow...there must have been a world wide collection or something. That pile's gotta be worth more than 3 bil!...Bill Gates!

Frieza: Yes...but I'm afraid that one cat alone could not meet certain demands.

Big: Like what?

Frieza: ...um...

Nemo: What about the can openers?!

Big: We got the law passed.

Nemo: Oh...then...

Ace: And our drinks?

Big: World wide patent.

Ace: ...man...uh...

Trunks: Uh...we...(scribles something in quickly) there! The list explicitly states that 3 living sacrifices must be willingly made by members of the SASB or the SGSB in our honor!...(scribbles something else in) and that one of the girls has to lap dance for us.

Frieza: Good thinking Trunks! As for you, you have until midnight. Then the true horror shall begin...

Grinch: Ah ha ha. Ha ha ha! Ahahahahahahahahahahaaaaa!!!!!!!

(Big the Cat500) 12/25/2002 2:38:25 AM Uhm.
*Brings in 3 members of SGSB*
*uses ventriloquism to make it seem like they said "I SACRIFICE MYSELF IN SPAS HONOR!" and stabs them in the heart, killing them*

Ah. er. now how to do the other part..

*creates an exact clone of a sgsb girl who only lives to lap dance*

Arr!

...*watches the clone come in. Stares at it blankly then points acusingly at it*

CLLLLOOOONNNEEEEEE!!!!!

*leaps forward and literally takes off the clone's head.*

Evil Clone die now!

*kicks the head out window and tosses body in pit of a monsters in torture room.*

Frieza:Sub....why did you just kill our lapdancing girl.

Sib:she was an evil clone who couldve went evil and joined forces with Jango or Boba Fett and became a storm strooper.

Nemo:Bye-bye laplady!

Ace:Stupid Sub...

Sub:Waitatic....who the hell is Sib?

Sib:I'm not Sib I'm Sub. see says so when I get ready to talk.

Sub:No you simple minded child it says Sib... Now go on now through yourself in the pit...

Sib:Now honestly who is the real Sub? I think my friends can spot a fake! Guys who's the real Sub?

Sub:shutup cloneboy! *kicks Sib in crotch sending him flying and tackling Nemo.* Now who's really Sub?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!!?!!!

And so it came to pass that Santa's ransom was never met. The demands of the S.P.A. were simple, yet unfulfilled. However, one cat named Big had brought suficient tribute to negotiate the release of Santa's village (recently converted back from a beer factory).

Being immortal (a point which Sub thoughrouly tested), Santa was released, after much torture and being cooked in a chilli pot. His magic reigndeer, also immortal, are traumitized for life. The Grinch went home happy, and the children of the world went without free gifts.

As the no-longer-jolly fat man left the stronghold of the vile mercinaries, he cursed them.

Santa: You hideous monsters! Not even coal shall I leave you! Miserable wretches! Justice will be done for this atrocity against the innocent of the world! Next year-

Trunks: Next year, we'll make it even worse on you. Especially if you don't shut up and leave already!

Santa: I'll be ready for you next time, you bunch of drunks. Next time...

Santa was escorted from the property by a massive explosion steming from Sub's rifle. Santa's threats made them laugh, and they drank merrily of the Grinch Nog they had left. The holiday season was over.

Frieza: Merry Christmas, friends.

[Fakers]

Trunks:Yeah,But Now for some fun.Play time liger.

LZ-*roars and does strike laser claw on nemo and all non S.P.A. members in the bar*

Trunks:Excelent...MWAHAHAHAHA*Drinks a beer*

Vegeta:*walks in from his trip to the Staples center*What the hell's been going on here?

Trunks and LZ(in the voice of joker from next friday the movie)-Noting

Vegeta:Allright then.*goes to get drunk*

Trunks:See's vegeta's wearing a gold and purple jersey that says L.A. Lakers Hater #1.

Drunk Vegeta:Lousy Lakers.The Fakers are more like it,They're nothing with out Shaq and Kobe.

Trunks:Maybe so,But they're still gonna beat new jersey

Vegeta:*breaks beer bottle*YOU TAKE THAT BACK BOY!!!

Trunks:Why?You know they're gonna lose!

Vegeta:I WARNED YOU!!!*stabs trunks with broken bottle*

Trunks:MOMMY!!!

*Bulma walks in*

Bulma:Vegeta how could you?

Vegeta:How could I what?

Bulma:Stab Trunks!

Vegeta:Whats the big deal.It's not like we don't have more than one trunks.

Bulma:And where is my other Trunks?

Vegeta:..Um...

*Scene switches to a skeleton holding a toilet brush in the bathroom*

*Scene switches back to vegeta*

Vegeta:..uh..Gotta go*Goes SSJ and Flies out the roof*

Bulma:I'll get you soon!Wait and see!

Trunks:Um..I could really use a trip to the hospital

Bulma:Don't interupt Mommy dear.

LZ:Slowly tries to take the money from the cash register but finds nothing more than 3 buttons and peanut butter on a playing card*

nemo (with head through wall): ow... *sees skeleton* o high trunks.
trunks:
nemo: um... ok. *breaks wall*
sub: NEMO!!!!
nemo: whatever you're about to say to me, NO. *chaos control out of room*
sub: o hell yes you ARE going to replace that wall.

~in middle of field some where~
vegeta: *eats flower* mmmm... tasty
nemo: *appears* hey vege- ... did you just eat a flower?
vegeta: *hides rest of flower* no!
nemo: ok... anyway. lets go beat trunks up for hating the nets.
vegeta: YAY!

~back at bar~
nemo and vegeta: *appear*
bulma: THERE YOU ARE! come here mister!
nemo and vegeta: QUIET WOMAN! *blast bulma*
trunks: crap. now we have to wish her back again! and shes probably gonna be pissed... PLUS! now we have no money suply you dimwits!
nemo: SHUT UP YOU STUPID NET HATER!
vegeta: enough talk! *blasts at trunks*
trunks: *dodges and appears behind vegeta. then throws him out of bar*
nemo: >_>;; thats what i get for picking an idiot to side with me... NETS!
trunks: LAKERS!
nemo: FAKERS!
trunks: ... gotta think of a name for the nets... gotta think of a name!
nemo: HA! you moron...
trunks: oooooo you're gonna regret that. *snaps fingers*
liger: ROAR! *tries to laser claw nemo*
nemo: AHHHH!!!!! *runs*
liger: ROOOOOOAAAR!!! *gives chase*
nemo: wait a second... *stops* good night. *blasts liger into space*

(Bulma falls through the roof, riding liger)

Nemo: Huh? I thought I killed her.

Frieza: Fortunatly, I had the foresight to shield her. Those dragonballs take a year to come back, you know.

Nemo: (Completely forgot about what Frieza was saying and is now riding the pool table across the floor)

Bulma: Where's that man now?!

Frieza: Probably hiding...hiding with beer. Go look for some beer. He'll probably be there...and while you're out, bring some back. We're running low.

Bulma: I am not your servant!!! Get it yourself!!!

Sub: (really, really drunk) Hey baby, are you the new stripper?

Bulma: Pervert!!

(Smacks Sub across bar anime style)

Sub: Ow! Wha'd you do that for?

Bulma: Come on liger, we're getting out of here to go find Vegeta!

(Bulma leaves on Liger. Frieza leaves to watch Trunks bleed to death in a gutter)

Trunks: Looks like this is the end. Well, at least I get to have one more beer... (drinks beer)

Frieza: Heh heh heh!...I mean, poor Trunks...

nemo: we need a mechanical bull. *starts heading toward construction room*

frieza: uhh... nemo?

nemo: NOT NOW! for i am on a mission.

frieza: *looks across street at mechanical bull store* ok whatever.

~5 hours later~
nemo: *comes out of room with mechanical bull* I AM FINISHED!

frieza: you do know that there was a mechanical bull shop right across street right?

*eerie silence*

nemo: i hate you.

Liger Zero Panzer*Blasts thrue a wall into the bar and roars Nemo*

Nemo:....

LZP:*Fires Hybrid beer cannons at nemo*

Nemo:*Gets too drunk and passes out*

Trunks:Hey since whene do you have a beer attack

LZP*Roars*

Trunks:You always do that.

LZP:Bulma*Steps on nemo and walks out*

[The BBQ]

Vegeta:Im in a weird mood so Im gonna do something that hasn't been done here in a while.*Lights the grill*We gonna have us a good old S.P.A. BBQ.*Puts on chefs hat and apron that says Bow to the Prince*

Trunks:I'll get the Beer.

Zechs:I'll get more beer.

Frieza:I'll get Goku.

Vegeta:Why do we need Kakarot here for?

Frieza:Im in the mood for a little Goku Chilli.

Vegeta:I see.And by the way trunks, go to the store and buy some new poker cards.

Trunks:What Kind?

Vegeta:You know what Kind.

Trunks:You mean..

Vegeta:Yep.

Trunks:Alright

Zechs:Hey Trunks,What Kind is that?

Trunks:Special cards my father created and mass produced around the country with pictures of goku dieing a diiferent way on each card.

Zechs:That really makes his hatred for goku really clear.

Trunks:thats the point.Too bad Goku doesn't get it.

Zechs-I see.Well anyways lets go get that beer.

*Both go to liquor store*

Mean while vegeta starts cooking burgers,hot dogs and Steaks.

Vegeta:*hears the sizzle as the meat hits the Grill.*I can't wait till it's done.I havn't eatin here since...since...Hmmm,Come to think of it I've never eatin here.and come to think of it what in the hell happened to the Staff we used to have here?the wife of krillin was a waitress,GT-trunks was cleaning toilets,Ace was the D.J.,The eldest spawn of kakarot was a bouncer along with the tall android,And I can't even remember the rest of the staff,there was atleast 10 other workers.

Trunks:I kinda remember that.You actually paid them,somthing nobody thought you would do.Atleast frieza is still here.What was his job anyways?

Vegeta:The most important one.

Trunks:Which is?

Vegeta:Trying to kill kakarot and make him into chilli.Now leave me alone befor the meat burns.Hey I thought I sent you to get beer?

Trunks:Zechs had to go and get it.

Vegeta:And why is that?

Trunks:Because I'm Broke.I'm still suffering from that one trip to vages with Liger.He sent me to jail because I tried to take 20 dollars out of his wallet after I lost all my money.

Vegeta:Well good for him.

Trunks:What?

Vegeta:You heard me,He earned that money on his own,Why don't you get your own money.

Trunks:Because you take all of it.The same way you took my time machine to rig the lotto that one time.And since whene do you care about others people money?

Vegeta:I don't,I just like takeing other peoples money.

Trunks:Is it just me or do you have no sense of integrity?

Vegeta:It's obvious I don't.

Trunks:Yeah I can see that.

(Walks in with Goku)

Goku: Yay! BBQ!

Frieza: That's right. We'll all have a great time...

(Shoves Goku's face into Grill and holds it)

Goku: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! FRIEZA!!!!!

Vegeta: Heh heh. Don't struggle Kakarot, it'll only make it hurt more.

Goku: How's that?

Vegeta: (Punches Goku's spine) That's how!

Frieza: I think this side is done.

(Zechs returns)

Zechs: Got the beer. And last pack of those cards they had.

Vegeta: How much Beer?

Zechs: 26 kegs.

Frieza: That simply won't do. I'll be back shortly. Finish Goku.

Vegeta: Boy, hold him down.

Trunks: Yes sir.

(Yelps of pain come from the bathroom)

Vegeta: What was that?

Trunks: Uh (looks guilty)...I don't know.

Vegeta: Did you imprison your younger self and leave him at the mercy of the vile creatures of the bathroom?

Trunks: Um...maybe?

Vegeta: Well, get him out before he gets eaten. He has to finish cleaning.

Trunks: Yes sir...

(Trunks goes super, and leaves for the bathroom, prepared to do battle. Vegeta lets Goku up)

Goku: Ow! Damnit, why'd you do that?

Vegeta: There was a bug on your face.

Goku: Really?

Vegeta: ...

(Frieza returns)

Frieza: I hijacked 3 tankers. That should hold us until this evening.

Vegeta: Excelent. Now Kakarot, could you help me with this pot of boiling water?...

Vegeta:Burgers are done.

Goku:Great!

Vegeta:I said burgers are done not you!*puts goku's face back on the grill*Ahhh,revenge is a dish best served with beer and burgers.

Goku:*screams in pain*

(Zeromav trips on a land mine)

Frieza: Ah, you're both here. You're just in time for the BBQ (look 2 pages back). How's Goku coming?

Vegeta: Fine. Just fine.

Frieza: I think it's time for some chilli, then.

Vegeta: Heh heh. Good idea. TRUNKS!...where is that boy?

(Explosions are heard from the bathroom)

Vegeta: Oh right. HURRY UP IN THERE, BOY!

(Trunks marches out, dragging a green tenticle around his leg, and CTrunks in a dog carrier)

Vegeta: Put the other boy down, and go fetch the Chilli pot.

Trunks: You mean-

Vegeta: Yes, that one.

(Trunks goes to the back room, and pulls out a 6x6' pot, and starts boiling it)

Trunks: This may take a while.

nemo: ooooooo barbeq- *sees pan of boiling water* SWIMMING POOL! *jumps in*

(Struts in the door with a case of Duff and a bag full of meat)
Ace: Ace is in the hiz-ouse, MAN!!! Stand back 'cause ya know
I'm commendeerin' the grill.

Frieza: He must be drunk already... Ace, get away from the grill.

(Steps up and shoves Goku outta the way)

Ace: I swear, if you don't get outta my way...

Frieza: ;narrows his eyes; Is there a problem?

Ace: Yeah,I heard y'all cookin' wit' that weak stuff, man. Ya'll must got some kinda mental
deficiency cookin' wit' propane.

Goku: I said on the phone earlier that we were--

(smacks the mighty retard in the face)

Ace: Silence ape-boy! He said ya'll were cookin' with gas now!;tyakes a big can out of the bag: and I aim to cook wit' some. I like my steak charred, MAN!!!

Frieza: W-wa-wait!

Ace: Relax, I know what I'm doin'. ;continues to pour the gasoline into the grill;

(Lights a match)

Ace: Now for the flame...;lights the grill and an explosive cloud of flame and smoke fills the bar as well as the sky, when everything settles down again, there's a huge fire on the grill with hot dogs that could have been mistaken for charcoal. Ace and the other's clothes are all singed;

(Sweatdrops)

Ace: Isn't that the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?

Vegeta: Nemo! Get the hell out of the pot! That's ment for Kakarot!

Nemo: Hm? Pot?......oh look, a butterfly!

(Nemo begins chasing imaginary butterfly)

Vegeta: ...BOY! Heat that thing up faster!

Trunks: Yes sir.

(Trunks fires energy blast at pot. The water boils over the sides)

Vegeta: That should do it. Now come here Kakarot.

Goku: No! This isn't funny guys!

Frieza: No no Vegeta, you must be more subtle. Goku, we're not trying to cook you. In fact we've prepared you a bath. Why not soak for a while?

Goku: ...I'm not a complete idiot, Frieza.

Frieza: Yes you are, now get in the pot!

(Frieza wraps his tail around Goku's neck. Goku struggles, and knocks Frieza across the bar)

Frieza: Damn, he's fighting. Trunks, Sub, if you're not too busy, I think I'll need some help.

Chibi Trunks: Hey! Can someone let me out of this thing?! I'll do work. I promise!

Nemo: oooooo pretty butterfly! *continues chaising air*

Trunks: *starts running at Goku* I got him!

Nemo: GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE BUGGER! *runs right in front of Trunks causing him to trip*

Trunks: AHHH!!! *lands on Goku and breaks through the bathroom wall*

C-Trunks: FREEDOM!

oh no you don't

*picks both Nemo and Chib Trunks up and throws them back in the bathroom and plugs up wall with Goku*

Nemo: *looks at C-Trunks* so what do you do in here for entertainment?

(Nemo, Sub, and Frieza finally subdue Goku with some psyonic rope, and make a find chilli with him)

Vegeta: Ah. All of the extra blood we poured in really made the difference this time.

Sub: And the chunks of meat are so tender.

Frieza: Mmm. Saiya-jiny.

Vegeta: Just like momma used to make.

Nemo: Your mother used to cook Saiya-jins?

Vegeta: ...

Frieza: Saiya-jins are quite a rare dish these days...thanks to yours truly.

Ace: Needs more secret ingredient (pours beer in chilli).

Nemo: Where'd Goku go?

Sub: He fainted in pain, so we swept him under the fridge.

Frieza: Ah...while he's out, who's up for a game of cards?

Nemo: *Bursts through the front door carrying a jet ski*

Sub: Nemo, what the hell did you get a jet ski for if we don't have a large source of water?

Nemo: Shut up Sub. Alright everyone! Now this here, is my new triple T double nine thousand R X wave... humper.

Nemo: YEE HAW! *starts riding around on jet ski in swimming pool*

Frieza: How long have we had a swimming pool?

Vegeta:we don't have one.None of us know how to mop the floors so weve just been dumping water day after day and leaving it there.

Sub:Hmm,I thought it was strange how the bar is flooded by 4 feet of water.

Frieza:Guess we know what this means*puts on sun glasses*Pool Party!

Nemo: WHEEEEE!!! *slams into fridge exposing all dead bodies*

All: *Gasp*

Ace: Holy crap! I didn't know we had such a big collection!

Sub: Yeah I know, the crocodile hunter... Regis Philbin (sp?)...

Frieza: King Kai... MY DAD???

Ace: Ben Stein... Ricky Martin...

Trunks: Tom Hanks... MY DAD??????? But he's standing right over there! *points to Vegeta*

All: *weird stare*

Frieza: Okay, now that's just weird

Vegeta:*Sips beer*thats what happens whene you don't pay your tab.

(Scrubs the floor with a mop and looks around the dim bar of drunks
and sleeping mercs. All of them are either drooling on the tables,
spilling drinks and blood, or vomiting.)
I need to get a new staff 'round here.

Nemo: IF I'D KNOWN THESE THNGS WERE SO MUCH FUN, I'D HAVE GOTTEN ONE A LONG TIME AGO! WOO HOO! *continues riding around on jet ski, and finally rams into the wall beneath a window. Then gets throws through the window out into the street and is run over by a semi-truck*

Ace: *pokes head out window* Still having fun are we?

Frieza: Well, as refreshing as soaking in each other's vomit and urine sounds...

(Blasts hole in wall, letting all the water out)

Frieza: There. That was our cleaning for the month...actually, that's the first time we've cleaned anything. We usually just blow up the bar and buy a new one when it gets too dirty.

Trunks: Uh, should we get rid of those bodies?

Frieza: I guess so. I mean, there's gotta be at least 3 Goku's under there. It's really creepy. TRUNKS!

Trunks: What?

Frieza: Get me a beer. OTHER TRUNKS!

(Ctrunks emerges from the bath-hole)

Ctrunks: Yes?

Frieza: Set fire to that pile of corpses.

Ctrunks: Uh...is that legal?

Vegeta: (In a drunken state of tranquility) Do what uncle Frieza tells you boy.

Frieza: (pointing glowing finger at Ctrunks) Yes, that's usually a smart move.

(Ctrunks sets fire to the bodies, and returns to hiding in the bath-cesspool)

Frieza: Ah, the smell of burning flesh...but back to the business at hand...uh, what was that, exactly?

Trunks: How the hell should I know? I've had 18 beers in the last 12 minutes!

Sub: I think we were playing cards. I mean, I must be holding this full house in my hand for some reason, right?

Vegeta: (Still in his happy place) Makes sense.

Frieza: Uh, yes. I believe it was my turn to place a wager...so I raise you 2 cigars and a beernut.

Ace: I'll see that and raise ya five beers! Man!

Trunks: I fold.

Vegeta: Yep.

Sub: Uh...you're supposed to bet.

Vegeta: Huh? Oh right. I'll bet uh...(bets whatever these things in his hand are) five cards.

Sub: That's great. I call.

(Nemo stops getting run over by passing cars and runs in)

Nemo: Wee!!! Cards!!!!

(Nemo leaps into the air, but Frieza smacks him away from the table with his tail. He grabs a passing chandalir and forgets the last 3 seconds ever occured)

Nemo: (swinging) Wee!!! Chandalier!!!!

Frieza: Yes...but back to the business at hand...uh, what was that, exactly?

Sub: I think we were playing cards. I mean, I must be holding this full house in my hand for some reason, right?...

Hmmm,How much Longer till we buy a new bar?

Nemo: WHEE! *starts swingin violently on chandelier. A creaking noise is heard from the ceiling*

Frieza: Alright boys, what'a'ya got?

Sub: *Looks up* Oh ****...

(The chandelier breaks off the ceiling and crashes down on the table causing all chips to mix together, and everyone throws there cards and jumps out of the way.)

Ace: SON OF A...

Frieza: GOD NEMO! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!? I HAD A FRICKEN ROYAL FLUSH!

~5 minutes later~

Nemo: (tied to a pole in the middle of the street) uh, you guys can untie me now. Guys? GUYS?! *gets run over by a semi*

Nemo: Alright fine, I'll do this the easy the easy. *Teleports into bar* Need... Alchohal... *chugs glass of pure alchohal* oooooooooo purdy colors... *walks behind card players* hey Friez... Why does you has five aces?

Frieza: uh, look over there! *points*

Nemo: *looks*

Frieza: What? He's a raging alchoholic who doesn't know what he's talking about!

CTrunks: *walks behind Frieza* Heyyyyyyyyy.... how'd you get five aces?

Frieza: *throws cards in air* DAMN YOU PEOPLE!

[Stray Cats]

(Raven and Shadow) *walks into the bar with his Organoid Shadow*
Raven:Hey give me a beer

Trunks:Hmmm,I'm not sure.You look a little young.

Raven:so does he*points to Chibi Trunks who is currently hung over*

Trunks:Fair enough*passes him a duff*

*Goku walks in*

Goku:Hey trunks bulma asked me to...hey you actually have a customer for once!

Trunks:Whats that supposed to mean?

Goku:Nothing,it's just that you guys have never really had any customers.

Trunks:We've had lots of customers.

Goku:Cops,the Mafia,door to door salesmen and the dead people you guys hide under the fridge don't count.

Raven:Okay this is getting weird

Shadow:*growls*

Raven:*looks at goku's uniform*I agree too,orange doesn't go well with blue.

(Raven and Shadow) Raven:*Walks into the bar with his organoid shadow*Give me a duff.

Vegeta:We don't got duff...as of yesterday.we need to go pick some up from our supply depot.

Goku:You mean your kitchen?

Vegeta:QUIET!Thats a secret Kakarot.

Goku:Alright...Glad im not working with you anymore.

Vegeta:Well so am I!

Raven:*to himself*can't a guy get a drink here

Trunks:you used to work together?

Vegeta:Shamefully yes.

Goku:Hey thats not very nice.

Trunks:So where did you work at...and more importantly why did you work?You don't seem like the working type.

C-Trunks:Your not the fatherly type either

Vegeta:Get back to work boy!those toilets arn't gonna clean themselvs!

Goku:Go easy on him Vegeta.

Vegeta:Don't tell me how to raise my kid Kakarot,I can do that just fine!

Raven:*to himself*Is that why one's hungover and the others cleaning toilets?and where's shadow?*see's his organoid stealing beer kegs from the back*Good boy

(They keg Raven's organoid was carrying mysteriously explodes)

Raven: What was that?

Frieza: Oh, just one of our antitheft devices. A stray cat probably tried to steal a beer. They just never learn.

Raven: Yyeeeaaaahhhh...cat...

(Trunks runs in)

Trunks: DAD! MOM'S COMING! HIDE QUICK!!!

Vegeta: Crap!

(Vegeta jumps through the emergency 'Bulma Alert' hatch behind the counter)

Trunks: Where does that hatch go, anyway?

(Before there's an answer, Bulma bursts in)

Bulma: Alright, where is he!? I haven't seen his face in 3 weeks, but his name keeps popping up on my credit bill!

Frieza: Bulma, calm-

Bulma: Shut up!!! He's not getting away this time! I'll find him even if I have to search the whole place!

(She begins by going into the bathroom)

Sub: Well, he'll be long gone by the time she gets to the hatch.

Frieza: Yes...but she will find an under-fed, over-worked, neglected GT-Trunks in there.

Trunks: Oh ****!

(Trunks runs into the bathroom)

Frieza: This should be good.

(Sips a Frosty Frieza)

(Raven and Shadow) Raven:*searches for his organoid*SHADOW!!!!...I mean stray cat that tried to steel a beer keg.

*shadow the hedgehog apears useing chaos controll*

Raven:Who are you?

STH:My name is Shadow,the one and only Ultimate Li*sees raven isn't paying attention to him*Hey!!

Raven:Your getting on my nerves,SHADOW!!!!!

Shadow:*Tackles STH and begins biteing his face*

Raven:Shadow Come.*Gets up and walks out of the bar to his Geno Breaker*

[Epyon]

Vegeta*sees customer*Hey Gundam Pilot hurry it up

Zechs:Hey don't rush me*gives hyperkirby two of the drinks*

Vegeta:Your gonna have to work alot harder than that if you want your epyon back.

Zechs:.....

Vegeta:you should know better than to challenge me to a poker game.

lol someone actually lost to you in poker!!! You suck at it man how could someone lose?

Zechs:*knocks on bar door*Hello?Anyone there?...It's cold and there are Zoids after me.

*Liger Zero is heard roaring in the distance*

I havn't seen this place so deserted since...yesterday.

Zechs: Please! The keys to the Epyon are in there!

Vegeta: (Leaning back with his beer) And that's where they're staying.

Zechs: I need to borrow it or they'll kill me!

Vegeta: You should have thought of that before you bet it on three queens.

Zechs: Come on!

(Stomping noises are heard rapidly approaching)

Zechs: They're coming! Help me! For the love of God, he-

(Various buildings exploding and gut wrenching screams of agony are heard. Frieza enters)

Frieza: What's all that racket?

Vegeta: Nothing.

Frieza: Well shut the nothing up! I'm trying to drink!

Vegeta: YOU do it.

Frieza: GrrrrrrAAAAAAAAHH!!!!

(Fires huge energy ball through front door)

Vegeta: Aw man!

Trunks: You should have done what Frieza said.

Vegeta: Silence boy, and fix the door.

Trunks: Aw...

(Trunks begins walking down the street)

Vegeta: Where are you going?! I said fix the door!!!

Trunks: To find the dragonballs, so GT-Trunks can do it.

Vegeta: Ok. Just be back before supper, so you can lie to Bulma about where we've been.

(Trunks leaves. Frieza and Vegeta stare at hole in the wall. Zechs comes crawling in, seriously bleeding, and collapses)

Sub: (walks by) Holy cow! You need booze!

(Tosses 50 cents on Zech's dying body)

I'm sorry most of that was tolerable except my line. I would never say he needs booze right away. I wouldve had kicked his corpse around poked it's eye ball with a stick then give him one of my drinks.

*Sub rocks back and forth and then explodes. when fire and dust settle all of Sub's forms apear. Sub runs over to Frieza, Ace, and Vegeta.*

Sub:Guys I'd like you to meet every form I have besides that guy he just follows me around.

*little guy waves from front row*HIIII!!!

Nemo:wow theres so many Subs...

*crowd of Sub's beat Nemo up.*

(Sonic T H) I'd like to submit an application to work here. My proof of DBZ-familiarity comes from Greg's site.

walks over and throws TH into pile of rapid Sub's beating on Nemo then throws poolstick in after*

You'll fit right in.

(Sonic T H) *Turns his watch slightly. TH is covered in a green, matrix grid and then flashes for a brief moment. When he's visible again, its revealed he is adult Gohan.*

Gohan: Okay, where do I start?

Ace: Go clean the grease traps below the bar. Right in the basement.

Frieza: But ya might wanna watch out for the things that live in it. CT Trunks lost his arm once or twice down there.

STH:(Walks down into the gloomy celler.) Are you guys sure about this.

Ace: Sure am...sure you ain't comin' back

*Sub walks over as TH leaps down into the Cellar and stands next to Ace. Loud noises are heard from down there and Sub and Ace just stare. Sub looks over at Ace.*

Sub:You know that's where we locked up Lilith her realatives and the more evil Torture monsters

Ace:uhhhhhmmmm..... 15?

*Sub and Ace stare at each other for a couple of minutes. They toss there heads back and walk away laughing. Soon as they walk off Th runs up the stairs and a long scaly tentacle pulls him back and shuts the door.*

(Sonic T H) AHH!!!!!!!

*Grabs a nearby pipe but it breaks.*

NOOO!!!!!!

*Manages to turn one of his hands toward the beast. He fires 5 short ki blasts. TH manages to get the beast to release its grip.*

(Frieza manages the Grill while Ace and Sub enjoy the horror)

Frieza: How's he doing?

Ace: I'd give him another 5 minutes.

Sub: I'd give him another 15 seconds.

Frieza: Good! That bastard used to work here, if you'll remember, but then he betrayed us for some comunist regime.

(The sound of tearing flesh, and blood curtling screams rise from the cellar)

Sub: Ah. Now I know why I spend so much time here.

(Frieza pours beer over the grill. Trunks bursts in, out of breath)

Vegeta: Well? Where's GT Trunks?

Trunks: (ranting and distrought) Well, I was going after the Dragonballs to wish him back, and I had six, but the seventh belonged to this bank, see, and they wouldn't give it up! So I tried to steal it, but they had Buu working there as a security guard, and he saw me and they tried to arrest me, so I ran.

Vegeta: Did you get the ball?

Trunks: I killed a cop!

Vegeta: That's no excuse. Now go wish your younger self back, and we'll lay low for a few days.

Trunks: Yes sir...

(As soon as Trunks leaves, gun shots erupt from automatic rifles)

Nemo: (still being pounded by the Subs) Kelanabfffffphhhdlanm...

Frieza: Well put Nemo.

(Looks outside at the massacre going on outside.)
Looks like Trunks has taken some initiative...He's got two guns blazin' the pigs, man. Oh crap, I don't think human spines can bend like that! Aw jeez. Aw God! I can't watch that anymore, man. he just-...damn. I didn't think he was that lethal wit' the sword.

Trunks trudges wearily through the hole that used to be a door. The blood covering his body drips down and joins the usual slop of the floor. Tattered pieces of military uniform, as well as the street cloths of unfortunate bystanders hang from both him and his package. The smells of death and gunpowder fill the room, as well as the stench of decaying Buu clinging to his sword.

(Trunks hefts his younger self up by the wrist, sporting his accomplishment for the band of drunks to behold)

Trunks: (Tossing GT Trunks at Vegeta as hard as he can manage) Next time, remember to feed him!

Vegeta: No promises.

Trunks: I have half a mind to go tell Bulma about this after all you've put me through!

Vegeta: I didn't put you through anything. I told you to fix the door, which I notice is still broken.

Trunks: Right. HEY! YOU!

GT Trunks: I have a name.

Trunks: NOT WHILE I'M AROUND! NOW FIX THE DOOR! And while you're at it, fix me a damn sandwich! I just took on half the freaking army for you!

GT Trunks: Does that mean you love-

Trunks: (Brandishing sword) DON'T EVEN FINISH THAT SENTENCE!!!

GT Trunks: (moan) The second you turn your back, I'm telling mom....

*Taps Zechs on the shoulder*

Zechs:What Now!*turns around*Oh not again

LZ:*roars*

Zechs:*runs away*I Don't deserve this!!You just wait till I get back my epyon.

Vegeta:Like that will ever happen.

Zechs:I'll get you!And your little Zoid too!

(Raven and Shadow) Raven:I missed this place.*tries to make a distraction while shadow A.K.A. some stray cat tries to steal another bear keg*

Milliardo:I didn't.Vegeta still hasn't given me back the Epyon.

Vegeta:You lost it in poker,it's your fault.

Milliardo:But you cheated!

Vegeta:I never said you lost fair and square.

Milliardo:...DO-OH!

(Raven and Shadow) Raven:Hmmm*is wondering what happened to shadow and the beer keg*Where is he?I'm tired of actually paying for drinks.

Trunks:Where is who?

Raven:My organoid Shadow.

Trunks:Oh he's back there*shoots wall with shot gun revealing shadow drunk as hell*

Raven:SHADOW YOU TRAITOR!Your supposed to share!

Shadow:*drunkenly growls and waves middle claw at raven*

[SPA Arcade]

(From game room)

Sub: BULL ****!

(Loud explosion is heard)

Frieza: What was that?

Sub: Let's just say I won't be playing tetris for a while...

Nemo: YOU STILL PLAY TETRIS??? *laughs maniacly* HAHAHAHAHA!... wait... tetris... plus explosion... plus no tetris... equals... *gasp* YOU BLEW UP TETRIS?!? NOW WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ALL DAY???

Sub: ............

*a fat man walks in with his crack hanging 6 ft out of his pants. He walks over and sits down on Nemo and sets up a new arcade game. He rubs his showin butt all over Nemo's head then walks out*

Sub:Sweetttt!!! My new game is here. Hey guys come here check it.

Frieza:beer u say:?

Trunks:no idiot a game!

*everyone runs over and Sub stares at Nemo who still is in chair posistion*

Sub:wow these chairs have gone to waste.

*kicks Nemo into trash can and turns to game. presses start and the title apears "The SPA bar place thing...". The charecter selection screen apears and I pick Sub. It starts out Sub walks in and throws thousands of drunks under frige. The next objective is to beat the crap out of Nemo while staying drunk. The level is passed easily. IT goes on and on with nonsenseable levels and many ocasions where Nemo dies and the Cheers theme song plays*

Nemo: *bursts into bar dragging a bag full of hand cufs* Okay everyone! I had a thought!

All: Prove it.

Nemo: ...anyway, I was thinking we could use these to- WHAT IN THE WORLD?! *sees gold spikes sticking out under the fridge*

???: (from under fridge) GET ME OUTA HERE!

Nemo: *Walks over to fridge and pulls out himself* HOLY CRAP! There's two of me!

Nemo2: Well, I'm the real one! *turns around* You tell'em I'm the real one Nem!

Frieza: That would be one of my chemists.

Nemo2: I knew that... But he didn't! *points to Nemo*

Nemo: ......

Vegeta: Well, one of you's got to go. This is just gonna make the customers freak out. Not that we ever have any...

Nemo2: Yeah, well, it's gonna be him.

Nemo: Uh huh, and you're the only hope to ever figuring out if the lightbulb really turns off when you close the fridge. Hey wait a a minute.... Anyone wanna find out if it DOES turn off?

Ace: (standing by fridge opening and closing the door) Hang on I almost got the answer...

Frieza: MOVE OVER! *shoves Ace out of the way and holds the door open* QUICK! SHOVE THE FAKE ONE IN!

Sub: I can't tell the difference... Oh well! *throws both Nemos in*

Frieza: *Slams door shut, waits a minute, then opens it back up* Well???

Nemo: [This text was the deleted by The Assosciation To Protect The Secrets Of The Universe. (TATPTSOTU)]

Nemo2: And then there was a really cool laser light show.

Nemo: Just like the one I'm about to perform on your head. *Fires multiple cutting discs slicing off the fake Nemo's head*

Frieza: Well done Nemo...but I'm afraid he was keeping the fridge balanced, so you'll have to take his place.

Nemo: Aw man...

(Nemo crawls under fridge)

Nemo: (Playing SPA video game) What in the wor- Oh Suuuuuuub... COME HERE!

Sub: Um... dude? I'm playing the game next you.

Nemo: Shut up. And look at this bonus level!

(Nemo points to the screen, which shows a bonus level where Nemo gets to beat up Sub.)

Sub: WHAT THE HELL??? *destroys machine and flies off* WHOEVER DID THIS, is gonna pay...

Nemo: .......

(Shoves Nemo aside and pushed button on the back wall. New arcade console rises from ground)

Frieza: I put that there just to annoy him. Now get out of my way. It's my turn!

(Frieza plays the game "Adventures in the Saiya-jin's Club Bar & Grill".

Select your character!

You have selected Frieza.

Level 1: Drink all that you can. The higher the quality, the more points. Must recieve at least 400 points to pass.

Frieza recieves 22,000 points.

Level 2: Battle raving drunks and stuff their bodies under the fridge. Player loses if health runs out, fridge falls over, time runs out with less than 8000 points, or if GT Trunks makes it out the door.

Frieza recieves 38,962 points, plus an extra life for KOing GT Trunks.

Level 3: Loot a shopping mall with the aid of Vegeta and Ace. Avoid mall security, while picking up items of value. Liquor gives bonus points. Player loses if health runs out, friends die, or time runs out with less than 230,000

Frieza recieves 298,992 points, and a cruelty to animals bonus.

Boss battle!: Head security guard Buu has been released! Put the retard in his place!

Level 4: Rush back to the bar, and stop Nemo from getting behind the counter. After 1 minute, Sub will relieve you. Player is allowed only 3 mistakes.

Frieza only makes one.

Nemo: Ha! Too fast for you.

Frieza: That's just because you used that cursed Chaos control. It just caught me off guard.

Nemo: I still got this! (holds up rubbing alcohal with cherry)

Frieza: ...shut up.

Level 5: Goten, spawn of Goku, makes a tasty beverage! While Vegeta keeps Goku occupied, beat him and stuff him into the blender before he can recover. Player loses if health runs out, or if Vegeta can't distract Goku any longer.

Frieza: That was much harder than it should have been. He's just a pint-sized Saiya-jin.

Bonus stage!!!: A bar brawl has broken out amoungst the S.P.A.! Don't miss this opportunity! Be the last one standing and recieve a very special bonus.

Frieza: ...

Nemo: You lost!

Frieza: That was impossible! No one could take on 10 guys at once! Even in a free-for-all!

Nemo: (laughs at Frieza)

Frieza: At least I survived longer than you!

(Fortunatly, it was only a bonus stage)

Boss battle!: One of Ace's freezer experiments has escaped, and is attacking downtown Metro city! The SASB has hired the S.P.A. to take care of it!

Frieza: Now THIS is complete fiction.

Unfortunatly, everyone but you, Sub, and Nemo can't see straight. Player loses if health runs out before enemies are defeated, or if Nemo leaves with more than 30 health.

Frieza recieves 1,000,000 points, and manages to hijack a liquor truck.

Level 6: Uh oh! Bulma has arrived to take Vegeta home and shut you down! You, being the least offensive, must sweet talk her long enough for Vegeta to get out the back door. (Game plays like a choose-your-own-way text adventure. Each wrong answer will result in a short battle. Player loses if health runs out, or if 3 wrong responses are made.

Frieza makes one wrong response.

Frieza: Little tramp...

Level 7: You've decided to take some time off, and go for a drive through the galaxy. Destroy as many planets as you can while avoiding enemy fire before your trip is over. Must earn at least 700,000 points.

Planet you own - -500pts
Small Planet - 100pts
Large planet - 1000pts
Opposing planet - 5000pts
Nemo??? - 1,000,000 pts
Bob the Space Cowboy - what...the...?

Frieza earns 2,000,000 pts. Nemo bursts into flames, and Bob the Space Cowboy escapes with minor injuries, but he will be persued by the Ginyu force and destroyed.

Bonus stage!!!: You are Vegeta's second in command of The Saiya-jin Empire. The time has come for you to destroy the WB network! Force your way through the compound, take out gits, bastards, poorly paid writers, and coorperate executives to stop their evil mind control!

Bonus Boss!!!: At the center of the compound waits the WBs greatest horror. After fighting through a small force of genetically enginered Pokemon, you come upon Ash Katchem, sporting new DBZ-like powers, as well as a mew and mewtwo. Before your very eyes, they fuse, becoming Twomew! Defeat it without dying.

Frieza not only mutilates the Twomew, he forces it down Ash's throat, and grinds them into sausage links.

Boss battle!!!: MUST KILL GOKU!!!

Frieza: ...

Nemo: You lost...

Frieza: This piece of crap! I'm much faster than that!

Goku: (has been watching from background) Oh, I don't know about that.

(Frieza slams Goku's face through the screen)

Nemo: My turn, I want to see if I can get better than you with your own character.

Frieza: Fat chance.

Nemo: Shut up. *Starts playing*

Select your character!

You have selected Frieza.

Level 1: Drink all that you can. The higher the quality, the more points. Must recieve at least 400 points to pass.

Nemo: *Begins playing, moving Frieza around the bar to get down the controls. He finally maneuvers Frieza into the torture room*

Frieza: Dude, there's no booze down there. And you're suposed to drink booze

Nemo: Well, you never know *Continues going around torture room until he stumbles upon some crates. He blows them all up.*

Boss Battle!!!: One of Sub's creatures has eaten part of one of Ace's experiments, and thus become incredibly huge. Destroy him, and take back Ace's experiment. You lose if Sub finds you destroying his pet in 30 seconds, fall into bottomless pit, or lose all health.

Nemo: *Begins rapidly firing small shots at the creature's eyes. When it is distracted he runs behind the monster and grabs Ace's expiriment, throws a little of it in the monster's open mouth, and the monster disintigrates.*

10,000,000 Points for finding Ace's secret expiriment!

YOU ADVANCE TO LEVEL 10!!!

Frieza: WHAT IN THE WORLD??? WHO MADE THIS BULL **** MACHINE??? *Flips game on its side revealing the name "Nemotan Inc."*

Nemo: Eh heh heh... Um... yeah. *runs*

[Burning Evidence]

Vegeta:*Lights up the grill*

Frieza:Planning to make more chilli?

Vegeta:Nope,just gonna burn some evidence.

Trunks:What ya got there?

Vegeta:Beenie Baby*Throws somthing wrapped in a rug on the fire*

Trunks:Can I burn evidence too?

Vegeta:Sure,we can all burn evidence.

Frieza:Excellent*throws goku on the grill*

Goku:Hey!I'm not dead!

Frieza:Hey!I don't care!

Vegeta:Burn kakarot BURN!

Nemo: *Walks out from alley* Ah... steaks again I see.

Frieza: No, just Goku.

Nemo: ...yeah that's what I meant. By the wa- oOoOoOo! SHINY! *sticks finger in light socket*

*the light socket suddenly turns into a giant lock that electricutes and paralyzes Nemo. Sub walks out signing on a clipboard that says "Hey don't think of incrimitadting, intimidating, insulting, pranks on your own, leave that to us, the guys who you just read about" or "H..D.T.O.I.I.I.P.O.Y.O.L.T.T.U.T.G.W.Y.J.R.A." for short...I think*

(Tails90) *Throws Nemo On Grill*
MAKE ME A ROAST NEMO!

Nemo: GAH!!! *finally releases finger from socket and turns around. Tail makes contact with the socket and catches fire* You guys smell something? It smells kinda like purning porcu- ...oh crap. *Spontaneously combusts*

Sub: Now THERE'S a chemical reaction you don't see every day.

Frieza: ...that wasn't a chemical reaction.

Sub: Shut up. Stop confusing me with facts.

(Stabs Tails90 in the back of the neck)

Sub: Uh...not that anybody minds, but why'd you do that?

Frieza: Meh. Felt like knife murdering someone today.

Vegeta: You should burn that evidence.

Frieza: Ah, but of course!

(Throws knife on grill)

Frieza: ...and while, I'm at it, I may as well...

(Shoves Goku off grill and replaces with Tails90's body)

Frieza: Move over monkey! There's more important things to burn than you!

['Cause Everyone Hates Goku]

Vegeta:*Walks in carrying a lie detector*

Trunks:What's that for?

Vegeta:I'm going to have a little fun with kakarot.

*Goku pops out of nowher*

Goku:Hey

Vegeta:What THE!...Where did you come from!

Goku:Ummmm,Nowhere!

Vegeta:*slaps forehead*Grrrr,Silence!

Goku:*in jokeing voice*Whoa Scary

Vegeta:Quiet!Quiet I say!!And come here!

Goku:I don't wanna!

Vegeta:as your prince I order you to come here!

Goku:Prince of what?

Vegeta:Prince OF SAIYANS!

Goku:Prince of Sayings?

Vegeta:NO!!

Goku:Prince of Saveings and Loans?

Vegeta:Your Pushing it!

Goku:Pushing What?

Vegeta:My patience!

Goku:Your Patient? Since whene are you a doctor?

Vegeta*Smacks forhead again*How do your friends stand you!?

Goku:They don't have to.

Vgetea:Huh?Why not?

Goku:Because I can stand on my own.*drums heard in background*

Vegeta:what the hell is this the tonight show?

Goku:Wow it is?I thought it was your super secret hideing place where you secretly drink and hide from Bulma and do bad things like constantly throwing me in a blender.

Vegeta:How is that bad?

Goku:We'll it really hurts my feelings to have my little buddy try to kill me every other week.

Vegeta:Since whene are we friends,And I am not your little buddy!and I'm not Little...Your just really tall.

*stands for a second l;ost in thought*

On one hand I can kill Nemo for the 50,000 time but on the other I could kill Gokuy and shut him up for a bit....

Nemo: YOU'VE BEEN COUNTING???

Sub: Shut up fool.

(Throws rotten tomatos at Goku)

Frieza: Boo! Get off the stage!

Goku: Hm? But Buu's not on the stage.

(Drums heard in background. Drums mysteriously explode)

Nemo: *singing* bibidibabadiboo!

Goku: WHERE?!?

(Throws beer at Goku)

Frieza: ...WAIT! THERE WAS STILL BEER IN THAT ONE!!!

(Jumps on stage and begins licking beer from floor)

Goku: Um...can't you just get another one? They're free.

Frieza: Um...

(Sets Goku's hair on fire)

Vegeta: Burn, Kakarot, burn!...I feel like I've said that before...many times.

Ace: Feels good, don't it?

(Magnus X Zero) Dammit, wheres my food?! *slams Frieza into the wall then blasts him with a Hyper Blast*

(Frieza pulls himself from the wall with a menacing glower.)

Frieza: Well, I was going to try to surprise you, but fine. For every hundered beers you buy, we give you a free cake.

(Pulls out cake)

Magnus: This is really my hundreth beer?

Frieza: Yes, and we also give you a free six pack of any drink of your choice.

Magnus: Really?

Frieza: No.

(The cake in Frieza's hand melts away, revealing a powerful beam rifle. Frieza blasts a hole in Magnus' chest, flooring him)

Frieza: Ah, here we are. Your order is ready.

(Frieza callously lets a boiling hot pizza slip from his hands and onto Magnus' face)

[Sub's Stuff]

New drink strong enough to make anyone pass out just by smelling it... I call it Pesticide-Yoda brains-alamo... theres also a secret ingredient... Who's up for the first one?

Nemo: (Looking skeptical) Um...

Sub: Don't be shy! (Grabs Nemo's collar) Now, go ahead and have a drink...

Nemo: No...?

Sub: (Deep evil voice) DRINK IT...

Nemo: OK!! (Chugs it one gulp and passes out immidiately)

Sub: Damn... I was kinda hoping he would do something funny.

Solar: His body's twitching.

Sub: Yeah... that's not very fun to watch though.

Solar: No, I mean "Oh, his body's twitching, should we do something?"

Sub: ...........................Um...

Frieza: Pesticide and Yoda brains? What an utterly untasteful notion...aw hell, I've probably had worse in all the time I've been here.

(Drinks some. Drops glass, walks away calmly, and repeatedly smashes face into counter)

Solar: Um...

Sub: He seems to be having an odd reaction to the secret ingredient...

::tries Sub's drink::
...I feel fine.... ::stands up::
...I dont' see why you two are aff-::table is set aflame::

... that's just a coince-::Frieza bursts into flames::
...Meh... ::sits back down, as random objects around the bar set fire::

maybe I added to much plutonium....*runs into lab and drops 50 plutonium and uranium rods into the mixture and comes out with a new glass* There we go...

::takes a drink::
O_O ::goes into a ferocious seizure, then passes out::

(Recovers and watches Solar spasm)

Frieza: Are you trying to get us drunk, or kill us?!

Sub: I think the answer to that should be obvious.

Frieza: Indeed.

yup...*jabs Nemo in side with foot*him on the other hand I think he's more obvious...

Nemo...it's perfect, man.

::wakes up:: Wow... I like it... Great taste and you get to see a sneak peak of heaven...

::drinks another glass of it::

(Snatches a glass up from the bar)
Let's try some of this bile.
(Swigs the whole glass in one swallow and smashes it against the wall. He then falls flat onto his face on the bar.)
Solar: Wow. Even enough to put Ace down.
(slowly sits up and looks around quizzically)
Ace: What sort of mundane establishment is this we're running? It smells of urine and 'sniff' death I dare say. We need to get rid of such divertations such as achoholic experimentation and procure the finer-
Ka-DACK!!! Kresh!!
(Ace is slumped yet again as Frieza tosses away his broken chair and Sub throws away the duff bottle he'd broken over the echidna's skull.)
Ace: Ugh...what was I on? I had this strange urge to give up beer and give all my money to charity. Was that wild or what, MAN!!!?
(Takes a long swig of a Frosty Frieza and revels in a literal brain freeze)
Ace: Sw-sw-swee-sweeeeeet...

[NEG]

(Demented NEG) *NEG,Camerman and Mistic Meg walk in*

NEG:Ah so this is were Frieza hangs out at weekends..

Cameraman:It would seem its a bar judging by the smell.

NEG:Uh-huh, well tell ya what lads...I can either buy this bar off you for 16bilion pounds, or I can just lift my finger and start zapping customers so you dont make any money anyway. Hmmmm?

Mistic Meg:Uh..do you lot sell hot milk?

NEG:...

Vegeta: We'll NEVER sell our bar!

NEG: Ok, how about 30 billion?

Vegeta: I won't compromise my principles for money!

NEG: 50 billion.

Vegeta: Uh...you can't...

NEG: 100 billion.

Vegeta: Uh...

Frieza: ...NEG, do you, if fact, have any money at all?

NEG: Well, I didn't bring it with me, but I was going to go pick it up later.

Frieza: And by "pick it up", you mean steal it.

NEG: Uh huh.

Frieza: From some unfortunate companys.

NEG: Mostly Microsoft and Mcdonalds.

Frieza: And dump the stolen money on us.

NEG: You got it.

Frieza: And then set the Metro city police on us.

NEG: Well, it would have been an annonomous-

Frieza: And then watch the carnage that ensues.

NEG: Uh-

Frieza: And dance about on the flaming remains.

NEG: Just a little.

Frieza: Well, that's all very well and good, but he bar's not for sale.

NEG: I see. Well then, I guess you know what that means.

(NEG's finger begins to glow as he turns about, looking for a customer to blast. He quickly makes a startling discovery)

NEG: ...there's no customers here.

Frieza: Exactly.

Kaiyo Sword: Hey, what do you think I am?

(NEG blasts Kaiyo Sword)

Frieza: Well done...but people die in here all the time. That's what the space under the fridge is for.

(Points to rotting pile of corpses under fridge)

NEG: Drat! ...hm...give me a minute. I'll think of something.

Frieza: Yes, you do that.

(Sips wine)

Nemo: Hey, a camera! Are we on T.V.?!

Camera Man: No, the camera's not-

Nemo: Hi Mom! Look at me! I'm on T.V.! Weeeeee!!!!! Me happy!!!

(Nemo runs in happy circles)

Camera Man: Uh...I said-

Nemo: Now I'm angry! Must smash!!!

Camera Man: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!

(Nemo chases Camera Man with club)

Mystic Meg: Is the milk in here?

Trunks: NO! DON'T GO IN THERE!!!

(Mystic Meg gets locked in torture room)

Mystic Meg: AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

Sub: Ah well. You tried.

(A carbomb goes off on the roadside, signaling the end of this post)

(Demented NEG) (looks outside)

NEG:Ok...who planted a bomb in my LIMO!!

(Cameraman while being chased)

CameraMan:Uh...dident we fly here?

NEG:Dunno did we?

CameraMan:and since when did we own a limo?

NEG:Since we stole it?

CameraMan:I see....(turns around to face nemo,camera smacks nemo's face)

Nemo:OOww.....*faints on floor*

CameraMan:Heh...feel the wrath of my beloved camera!

Frieza:*lifts finger,zaps CameraMan,dead*

NEG:Hey I usually do that...

Frieza:Eh..whats the difference.

*ghost of Cameraman appears*

Ghost CameraMan:Oh don't worry..I'll be alive again for the next show.

Trunks:I see dead ppl..uh...cameramen.

Sub:¬_¬

NEG:Which reminds me...were's Meg?

Frieza:In the deat- uh..bathroom.

NEG:Ah I have a plan on my mind again...be right back.

(5 mins later, NEG comes in with 30 Omachaos behind him)

NEG:Either you give up the bar,or my Omachao army start talking about love and peace...not to mention to press A o jump!

Frieza:Hmm...*zaps a omachao* hmm...they dont last long do they.

NEG:Oh don't worry, there's another 2000 Omachaos arriving on a fast speed train to here right about now...

(In the corner of the bar)

Vegeta:Hmph..seems we're ignored around here.

Trunks:I would consider that a good thing.

Sub:Ah...who cares, just gimmie a beer.

( A sudden hint of little blue omachaos start flooding in...marking zee end of da posty)

Nemo: (Gets up off ground and runs into a back room. He comes out a minute later) Your measily camera cannot defeat the mighty... (dramatic super hero pose)

Sub: Oh god, here we go again.

Nemo: FIGHTING FAJITA! (Jumps up on table and stands in another dramatic super hero pose, and a chandelier from above the table falls on top of him.)

Trunks: We had a chandelier?

Sub: (Standing next to cut rope hopelessly trying to hide a ten-foot knife behind his back) Not any more.

Nemo: (Stands up triumphantly) BWAHAHA! (Another chandelier falls from the same spot as the first one)

Trunks: ..... (turns to Sub)

Sub: What?...

Nemo: (Gets up again) BWA- (Another chandelier)

Trunks: WHERE THE HECK ARE THOSE THINGS COMING FROM???

Sub: I dunno. My job is to just cut the rope.

Trunks: ........................

NEG: (To Frieza) Are things always like this?

Frieza: Um.. yeah. It's a bar.

NEG: ......

Nemo: (Gets up again and jumps out of the way) YOU CANNOT DEFEAT THE FIGHTING FAJITA! (Runs over to cameraman ghost and punches through it) O_O;;;; *Little girl scream* THERE'S A GHOST!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Runs)

All: ....................

*Another chandelier falls on Nemo and Sub falls off a ladder laughing.*

It wasn't me I swear!!! It was the yellow jacketed, black pantsed, purple eyed armadillo...thats me aint it?

(A mafia person walks in just as Sub is saying that)

Mobster: Could've been.

Frieza: Hey... You're Johny Tight-lips right?

Johny: I ain't sayin' nothin'.

Frieza: You want a beer?

Johny: Maybe I do, Maybe I don't.

Frieza: ...So how's your mother?

Johny: Who says I gots mother?

Nemo: (From under chandelier) Is that a retoricle question? (Another chandelier falls) Haha! Nothing happened because I'm underneath this other one! (A 16-ton safe falls) ...ow.

~On roof~

Sub: (Standing next to white van full of 16-ton safes) It wasn't me!

~Bar~

Frieza: So... you wanna beer?

Johny: Maybe I do, Maybe I don't.

Frieza: ...

Sub: (Falls through roof) Do you know who took my collection of automatic weopons?

Johny: I ain't sayin' nothin'.

(Random automatic weopon shots heard from no where, and bullets come whizzing through the front door)

Sub: Crap! That's one of my guns! Who has it?!

Johny: I ain't sayin' nothin'.

Sub: Ya know you could be a little more helpful! (Jumps behind table as more bullets come through)

Nemo: Haha! I'm safe!

Sub: Shut up Nemo. (Another safe falls) OK, now that wasn't me...

Johny: I ain't sayin' nothin'.

(More shots)

Sub: WHO IS SHOOTING AT US???

Johny: I ain't sayin' nothin'.

Sub: .........

Frieza: Alright Johny, I'm tired of you.

(Blasts Johny Tightlips)

Nemo: Johny! Are you alright?!

Johny: I ain't sayin' notin.

Nemo: But what'll I tell the doctors?

Johny: Tell 'em to go suck a lemon.

(And then, the Omochao came)

Omochao: Hey, did you know you can kill things by hitting them?
Omochao: Press A to jump!
Omochao: Don't forget to go forward.
Omochao: Have you tried collecting rings yet?
Omochao: I like to sing! Lalalalalalalala!!!
Omochao: Oh my, I'm sky high!
Omochao: Hey, put me down!
Omochao: Ow, that hurts!
Omochao: No! Wait! Don't!
Omochao: Uh...what happened?
Omochao: Ah! Stop that!
Omochao: Nooo!!! Not that!!
Omochao: Let go!
Omochao: Help! Help me!
Omochao: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

NEG: Good lord, what have we unleashed?!

Cameraman: Um...annoyance to the point of evil?

NEG: Oh right. Very good.

[New Years 2003]

Trunks:Man what a boring new years.*Takes out the gun from under the counter*HAPPY NEW YEARS HAHAHAHAHA!*begins shooting randomly in the air,but hits ceiling fan and lands on nemo knocking him out*

*Vegeta walks in*

Vegeta:Boy,There better be a good explanation for this.

Trunks:There is sir.

Vegeta:Ah well then.*walks out*

(An axe flies through the window, impailing Nemo)

Frieza: Ah, life is good.

(Drinks)

Frieza: A toast to the host with more liquor than most! To Vegeta and his shotgun-toating kid!

Yanno... I don't see why we have a dart board when we're drunk about 99% of the tiime.... ::throws a dart at the board, it hits Frieza on the arse::

Um... oops?

(Shakily raises his mug of Duff)
Here, here, MAN!!!
(Swills the cup back and pours the drink over his shoulder onto the floor. Frieza runs past slipping on it, falling and impaling his butt on the dart.)

(Frieza stabs Solar with the dart)

(Stabs Sub with pool ball)

(FireD) *comes in dressed as a health inspector*hmmmmmmmmmmmm I will give you an.......Z-!!!!

Woo hoo! A round of beers for everyone to celebrate our best inspection rating ever!

(FireD) *changes grade*A+*waits for a beer bottle to land in his mouth*

...hey...who let that guy in? Thot we killed all health inspectors... Oh well... *Tosses FireD down into the torture room*...Nemo go make friends with him...

Nemo:SQUEE!!!

*Nemo runs into torture room slamming door behind him*

(FireD) *runs out bloody**chops a table in half*help!!!!*demons chase him*

Nemo: (Half way down staircase, realizes what he's doing) Wait.................. (Starts running back up)

(Sub locks door)

Nemo: (Banging on door) FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! LET ME OUTA HERE!!

Sub: Um... NO!

Ka-Dack!!
Nemo: AHHH!!
Ace:Zombie axe maniac?
Sub: Yeah
BZZZZZZ!!!
Nemo: Oh dear Lord!! Open the door!
Ace: Mutated wasp?
Sub: Uh-huh...
(Slithering sound and then a loud hiss)
Nemo: For the love of God, help me!!!
Ace: -_-' A giant snake?
Sub: Giant acid spitting snake.
Fwa-vooom!!!
Ace: What was that, MAN???
Sub: ...? Oh, Lava beast. Get your hand off the door.
(The steel door melts away and Nemo falls out onto his face, beaten and bloody)
Nemo: Ow.

(Raven and Shadow) Vegeta:It's time once again,for our yearly kakarot chilli cook off!

Trunks:It's that time already?

Vegeta:Yup.

Raven:Whats a kakarot?

Vegeta:A kakarot is a creature of incredibly low intelligence,but a worthy foe in combat.

Frieza:And tastes good with 7 erbs and spices.

Raven:I see.

Shadow:*growls and puts on a bib*

Vegeta:Now let's get this started*lights grill*Hmmm,thats good burning.

Ace:That reminds me,it's also time for our yearly evidence burning as well.

Frieza:So it is.

Raven:Can I burn evidence in it too?

Vegeta:Of course you can,thats what it's here for.

Raven:Excellent

Vegeta:After chilli.

Raven:DO-OH

Vegeta:Now who wants to perform the yearly task of hunting kakarot?The one who can out smart kakarot,not that its very difficult,will get an all expense paid trip to a place in the other world which I call,Thugz Mansion.

Sub:Doesn't that mean we die?

Vegeta:Hmmm....?

(Walks up to Nemo's body and tastes some of his blood)

Frieza: Hm...I thought porquipine would taste a bit more like hedgehog, but I guess I was wrong. We'll just have to settle for some more Goku.

Trunks: This time we've added his kids for that extra meaty flavor!

Frieza: Excellent...

Nemo: (Body twitches)

Raven: Uh.. is he okay?

Frieza: Did his body twitch?

Raven: ...yeah...

Frieza: He's fine. (Turns to other things)

(A moment passes, nothing happens)

Rave: Are you sure...?

Ace: Sure what?

Raven: That this Nemo character is okay.

Ace: Did his body twitch?

Raven: Uh.. yeah, a few minutes ago.

Ace: He's fine. (Walks off)

(Raven checks for a pulse)

Raven: Uhm... you guys? He's not breathing and he doesn't have a pulse.

Trunks: Did his body twitch?

Raven: YES YOU DRUNKEN FOOL!

Trunks: He's fine. (Goes off to other stuff)

(Sub walks over to Raven and looks down at Nemo for a moment)

Sub: Um.................... did his body twitch?

Raven: ...

(Nemo's head shakes, and he slowly gets up)

Nemo: I'm okay everybody!

(Sub punches Nemo)

Frieza, Trunks, & Ace: Told ya.

Ace: Now, we stoke the fire with chunks of flesh from various victims and certain bills from utility companies.

Frieza: Why? Won't they shut off the cable if we don't pay?

Ace: No, 'cause nobody would dare turn off the gas, water, and electricity when we're the ones who'll come to the company guns blazing. That and the fruit basket with the 'Special' drinks I sent 'em. They all must be drooling nutjobs and chasing pink floating elephants. Way too busy to worry about a few non paying customers.

Trunks: What about all those tax guys you threw in the freezer?

Ace: We keep them on hand for fresh human blood drops for the Ace Drinks. It's cheaper than goin' to a blood bank.

Frieza: Hey, I don't remember human blood in the Ace drink formula.

Ace: Do you know how much shark's blood costs?! This is a cheap sub, MAN.

Sub: Did you just call me cheap?!

Ace: ...

(Frieza walks away to allow the carnage to ensue. He finds Nemo contemplating the mysteries of the tap)

Nemo: Handle goes forward...beer comes out...handle goes forward...beer comes out...

Frieza: Who let you behind the counter!?

Nemo: He did.

(Points to Goku, who escaped from the grill while Ace and Sub went at it)

Frieza: ...so many things to kill, so little time.

(Frieza grabs Nemo and stuffs him down Goku's throat, then throws the mangled bodies into the a pit of the torture room)

Frieza: Ah, that felt good. So, how's the food coming along boys?

Ace: (bloody and bruised, as is Sub) Well, Goku got away, but we did manage to get Goten.

Frieza: Hm. Not much meat on that one. Let's wait for Goku to come back. He should be nice and crispy by then. In the meantime, I think a round of 'Goten's liver' smoothies would be quite nice.

Sub: I'll get the ice picks.

Goten: Please don't hurt me. I've been wished back 4 times already! I don't think we can cheat the dragon anymore.

Frieza: Quiet you.

(Tries to stab Sub with a pool ball)

Sub: ...what are you doing?

Nemo: Huh? Oh, um... (Hides ball behind back) Nothing...

Sub: ...

::stabs nemo with a plastic bottle::
DROP THE CUE BALL

Nemo: GAH!! ::drops it::

Thought so... ::chucks the cue ball at Frieza::

(Crumples up piece of paper and throws it in Solar's general direction.)

::paper burns in midflight, and is already in ashes before it comes near him::
Poor, poor Nemo....

Goes around with can) Money for the poor?

(Pulls out lighter)

Frieza: Don't make me start using this again.

Nemo: (Grabs lighter and puts in can) Thank you for your donation kind sir!

(Goes around clanking lighter in can)

Frieza: Oh........... this means war.

....::chugs his beer:: C'mon! Fight! I want some bloodshed! mangled Bodies! and a little foreplay >_>

(Looks at Solar)

>_>

(Looks at Nemo)

<_<

(Looks at Solar)

>_>

(Looks at Nemo)

<_<

Frieza: ...

(Frieza grabs Nemo, swings him around like a bat, and slams him into Solar. Nemo bursts into flames, and flies face first into the shot up T.V. Solar flies through the bar wall, setting it on fire. Vegeta comes out from the back room)

Vegeta: (Notices flaming wall) WHO'S RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS?!

Frieza: I am.

Vegeta: Oh.

(Returns to back room, where he's feverously trying to work out how much of Bulma's money he's crapped away this month, but can't seem to consentrate with all the beer around him...and inside him.)

Vegeta: (From back room) TO HELL WITH IT! (Storms out and sits at the bar) Gimme a beer...

(Bulma walks in)

Bulma: Hey honey?... to remeber when-

Vegeta: NO!

Bulma: Oh come on, don't you remeber-

Vegeta: NO! Men never remember anything! We invented instant replay because we couldn't remember something THAT WE JUST SAW!

(Bulma stares blankly for a moment, then storms out)

Nemo: (From outside) Money... for the... (cough) poor...?

[Undercover Investigation]

Nemo: (Looking out window across the street) Hey Frieza... You see that van parked over there?

Frieza: (Walks over with a beer) Yeah.

Nemo: I think they're spying on us.

Frieza: Oh, that must be why it says Cable Internet America on the side.

Nemo: Yeah! C! I! A! Cable Internet America, CIA!

(Akward silence)

Frieza: You didn't by any chance send the president another threatening email did you?

Nemo: No!... what's your definition of threatening?

Frieza: (Smacks forehead) Oh god, not again... Trunks!! (Walks off)

Trunks:*walks out to the Cable...what ever truck and blows it up*

Vegeta:This is private property...I think.*Both walked inside*

Frieza: Why do those truck keep showing up? What have we done?

Ace: You mean other than the illegal substance abuse?

Vegeta: Or the insurance fraud?

Sub: Or the mass-murder?

Trunks: Or the cannibalistic rituals?

Ace: Or the arms dealing ring in the game room?

Vegeta: Or the illegal gambling?

Trunks: Or the unauthorized fighting matches?

Sub: Or the white slavery?

Vegeta: And the child abuse?

Nemo: And the Alien autopsies?

(Everyone stares at Nemo)

Nemo: ...what? Frieza's been cut open a few times...

Frieza: Oh yes. I forgot about all that.

(Frieza pours some Ace drink into a bottle, puts a wick in it, lights it, and throws it at the truck. The street in consumed in flame)

Frieza: That should keep them away for a while. BOY!

(GT-Trunks comes out of the bathroom)

GT-Trunks: Yes sir?

Frieza: Go put the front wall out.

(Tosses him a bar rag)

Vegeta: Hey! That rag is more important than you! You use your shirt!

GT-Trunks: Aw...

(Van pulls out front with Ira's Repair Service written on the side )

Ace: Ok.. this is starting to get weird now.. Why in the world would the IRS be here?! What're they gonna do to us, MAN!!! Write bad checks and paper cut us with them?

Frieza: Bank fraud. Duh... I really don't think it's all that weird.

(Truck pulls up with Ned's Accounting and Sueing Association on the side)

(Ace looks at Frieza)

Frieza: Ok... NOW we can say it's starting to get weird.

not yet.....

*picks up phone. minutes later Papa Johns pizza guy pulls up*

I have connections...

Nemo:seems like something I would do I mean what's he gonna do deliver a pizza?

Sub:yah and...

*several loud explosions are heard from outside and Gt-Trunks flies through the bar wall in a flaming heap. A tall muscular guy steps in through the rubble and throws 3 pizza boxes onto the bar then walks out kicking Gt-Trunks.*

Sub:Thanks Francis!!!!

*tires squeal and car zooms away*

Sub:told you I had connections...

*soon after a truck from "Al's Tomatoe Farmers"shows up*

Vegeta:...This is getting annoying.what have we ever done to deserve this.

Frieza:page 25,post 10.

[The Shotgun Memoirs]

Trunks:well anyways time to get beck to business*picks up shot gun and walks out side*

Frieza:Is he still doing this?

Vegeta:Sadly yes.But you gotta admit mindless violence is entertaining.

Frieza:So it is*punches Goku*

Vegeta:hehe,who wouldn't be amused by that.*also punches Goku*

Trunks:Hey I'm trying to shoot stuff here

Vegeta:Then shoot this*points to goku*

Trunks:Hmmm,What would mom say?

Vegeta:She would say listen to your father

Trunks:Hmmm*takes out card that says"do opposite of what vegeta says "*Hmmm no.

Vegeta:Damn that blasted card!Boy, don't give me the card.

Trunks:Alri...NO!

*goku comes running in*

Goku:Hey Vegeta!

Vegeta:What is it kakarot?Im busy trying to run a susessfull Business.

Goku:*Looks around the empty bar*Yeah thats nice,Well anyways I need you to hide me

Vegeta:Hide you?

Goku:Yeah

Vegeta:From what?

Goku:From this old lady with a shotgun

*trunks walks in*

Trunks:Did someone say Shotgun?

Vegeta:Are you still carrying that?

Trunks:Ye*Goku interupts*

Goku:Forget about your shot gun carrying son for a minute listen to me!

Vegeta:You still here?

*Frieza walks in and see's Goku*

Frieza:I thought we put up that sign that says no Charity Cases

Vegeta:We did,but kakarot can't read.

*Gohan and Goten walk in*

Vegeta:*sighs*What is this a reunion special?

Goku:Why is it whenever I try to talk I never get the chance!And what are you 2 doing here?

Gohan:Well we saw you being chased by mom.

Goten:and she was carrying a shotgun

Vegeta:so thats the old lady.

Goten:Hey wheres Trunks?

Trunks:Right here

Goten:No you,the one no one likes?

Vegeta:He's over there*points to bath room*Now go and play with him*gives goten a toilet brush and gloves*

(To Be Continued
Vegeta:If I fell like it...and I probably will.)

(continued from last part)

Goten:Alright*goes inside the bath room*

Goku:GRRRRAAAAA*goes super saiyan and blows up a table*I said listen to me!I need a place to hide Is that so much to ask?

Vegeta:I can't believe your afraid of your wife.

Goku:Like your not afraid of yours.

Vegeta:Of course not.I am a true Saiyan.

Goku:Oh yeah*shows Vegeta a picture of Bulma*

Vegeta:...For goodness sake put it away

Goku:Will you Hide me then?

Vegeta:Yes yes,just put it away Kakarot

(I miss doing these little tales)

Nemo: WHEEEEEEEE!!!!! ::runs aimlessly and gets close-lined by Sub::

Vegeta: Where were we?

Goku: You were about to hide me.

Vegeta: Sorry, that trick won't work on me.

Goku: No seriously, you were about to hide.

Frieza: ::Nods to Vegeta::

Vegeta: ...Well I changed my mind.

Goku: Why? Because you don't want to feel stupid?

Vegeta: That's exactly why, and you know it!

(Chi-Chi barges in and fires with the shotgun once into the roof, then loads another round into the chamber)

Chi-Chi: Where is my husband you lousy drunks?!

Some one else pick this up... I'm outa ideas.

(Oh, I've missed this)

Frieza: Wimps...

Vegeta and Goku: Shut up!

Goku: Come on! She's right on my tail! And I think Bulma's with her.

Vegeta: YOU LED HER TO THE BAR?! DAMN YOU KAKAROT, NOW I HAVE TO HIDE TOO!

Goku: So where do you usually hide?

Vegeta: In there (points to hatch labeled "Sub's pit of unfathomable agony").

Goku: Alright! Let's go!

(Goku jumps in)

Frieza: He really should learn to read.

Vegeta: Well that takes care of that. Now to go to my REAL hiding spot.

(Vegeta jumps in escape hatch just as Chichi and Bulma burst in with shotguns)

Chichi: ALRIGHT! WHERE ARE THEY?!

Nemo: In there (points to blender).

Bulma: Leave it to my husband to attract the retards.

Frieza: Uh...just ignore him. He's-

Chichi(pointing shotgun at Frieza): Alright you! Start talking!

Frieza: Calm down! I believe you'll find all the ans-

Trunks: Hi mom! (points shotgun in Bulma's face)

Bulma: Hi honey! (waves shotgun)

Frieza: Uh, yes, as I was saying, I believe-

Nemo: They're over there! (Points to poorly drawn flaming cardboard cutouts of Vegeta and Goku)

Frieza: ...Nemo, go play in traffic.

Nemo: K.

(Nemo runs outside, followed by loud shouting and crashing sounds)

Chichi: (cocks shotgun impatiently)

Frieza: Um, I think they're in the bathroom.

Chichi: They'd better be!

(They enter the bathroom to find their abused children. They forget all about their husbands for the moment and take the kids home)

Vegeta(coming out of hiding): Aw man! Now just who are we supposed to get to clean the toilets?

Frieza: 18!

18(smoking cigarette): Yeah?

Frieza: Toilet duty.

18: I ain't movin' an inch until I get paid.

Frieza: We stopped paying you because you haven't served a single customer in almost a year.

18: That's because you haven't HAD a single customer in almost a year, your royal drunkness.

Frieza: Do it or I'll sick Trunks on you! (points to Trunks shooting out the windows at a McDonalds)

18: Whatever.

(18 goes into the bathroom)

Frieza: Well, that bought us some time. Perhaps we should consider changing our address again.

Vegeta: Later. (Yelling down tube) Hey Kakarot! How's it going down there?

Goku: MY...WHOLE...BODY...FEELS LIKE...IT'S GOING TO...EXPLODE!...

Vegeta: That's great! Here, have a beer.

(Tosses beer down chute)

Goku: BUT...I...DON'T...DRINK!

Vegeta: Hey, that's not MY problem.

(Vegeta and Frieza get hammered, while Trunks blasts the tires on trucks that have crashed into Nemo)

(LOL at nemo and Frieza's posts.Those were Hilarious.I miss doing these.)

*the next day*

Vegeta:*goes to check on Goku*Kakarot,You still alive

Goku:*left eye twitching*Yessss heheheHAHAHA

Frieza:Damn

Vegeta:He's persistant I'll give him that

Goku:*in the hole*Can't sleep,clown will eat me*repeats over and over*

Frieza:well looks like all's well that ends well.

Vegeta:atleast for me anyways.

*Bulma walks in*

Bulma:Vegeta!

Vegeta:AW hell

Bulma:You are in so much trouble mister.What kind of father are you

Frieza:Not a very good one.

Vegeta:Shut...can't argue there*looks at bulma*Now what happened?

Bulma:This is what happaned!*turns on T.V.*

TV:Next on America's Most Wanted,Watch how you the veiwers helped put this shotgun carrying drunk behind bars!*a picture of a drunken Trunks is shown shooting the windows of a rival bar*

Vegeta:*Spits out beer*I WANTED TO DO THAT!

Bulma:VEGETA!

Vegeta:I mean uh shame on him...*looks at screen*Hey that!

TV: And meet the brave Hero who helped police Identity the culprit and claim the 5 million dollar reward*a picture of Nemo is shown*

Nemo on TV:I had to turn in my friend because it was the right thing to do.*lifts up bag of cash*Yes it was.

Frieza:He's gonna bring that here isn't he?

(Espio 2012) *mugs Nemo*
*brings in bag of cash*
GIVE ME A FREAKING BEER!!!!!

(Thanks Trunks! I love your stuff too. It's ALWAYS great.)

(Tosses Espio into Sub's torture room)

Vegeta: Ah well. We'll just bail him out.

Bulma: We can't!

Vegeta: What do you mean we can't?

Bulma: They're committing him to a psychiatric institute! They say he's suffered 'severe psychological trauma' from neglect and abuse, and has 'violent psychotic episodes'!

Vegeta: Um...gee, I wonder where he got that?

Bulma: Grr!

Vegeta: All right! Calm down woman. We'll go break him out. Come on Frieza, grab a six pack and let's go get my son.

Frieza: Hmm...why not? I could go for some destruction about now.

Nemo: Can I come?

Frieza: What?! Weren't you just...fine. While we're there, we might as well give them another loony to replace Trunks.

(Espio 2012) *creates irritable noises*
LET ME OUT!
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!
I'M PEEING ON THE FLOOR!!!!!!!!
LAHHHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!!!!!!

(Big the Cat500) *comes in*
*looks confused*
I don't know what the hell is going on and I'm too damn lazy to read the posts. That and I don't care.
Now give me some freaking orange juice mixed with the blood of virgins. yea. Make sure those virgins are wolves.

(Espio 2012) Big!!!! get me out of here!!!!
i went to this freaky bar, drank a beer, and ended up in this torture room!!!
with a very large hangover!!!!
LET ME OUT!!!!!

(Big the Cat500) I ain't leavin' until I gets mah orange juice with wolf virgin blood.

(Espio 2012) wait....i dont need big!
TIME TO CALL APON MY SIDEKICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Squall appears*
wtf? hey, what happened to Zidane?

Squall: uhhhh......he......"went or a swim" .....yeah....."went for a swim".....thats right....

Espio: well......ok...i guess.....but he gets a pay deduction! *pulls out two shotguns* *tosses one shotgun to Squall* now, when sub comes through that door, we shoot him and run.

Squall: shouldn't we just shoot down the door and run?

Espio: ......shut up

Squall: no, really, we should...

Espio: shut up or die, we do it my way

Squall: fine, fine....stupid moronic idiot...

Squall: he's not coming.....

Espio: are you sure?

Squall: .....yeah

Espio: hm.....time to think of a new plan!

Squall: why don't we just shoot down the...

Espio: Shut up slave!!!!!

Squall: Sidekick

Espio: same thing!!!! anyways, i've got it! we shoot down the door and run.

Squall: but that's what.....

Espio: stop argueing, it's a very good plan!

Squall: but I thought...

Espio: ne more word and you are DEAD!!!!

Squall: fine!

Espio: that's it!!! *shoots Squall* now, to get out of here....ahah! *shoots down the door* IM FREE!!!!! *runs away*

Frieza: Hey, you got something against wolves?!...ah what the hell.

(Kills a virgin wolf cub on the counter in front of Big and mixes the blood with orange juice)

Frieza: Feel free to pick at the body as well. We'll just put it on your tab.

(Big the Cat500) Alright!
*takes the drink and pours it into the wolf's mouth*
*the wolf comes back to life and grows 2x its normal size*
Alright.
*busts down the door to where Espio is*
Wolf! eat.
*Wolf jumps onto Espio and starts eating his liver*

*outside the mental institution*

Vegeta:Is this the place?

*Bulma shows up*

Bulma:VEGETA!

Vegeta:Damn!Not you again!What are you doing here?

Bulma:Making you sure you don't screw things up!

Frieza:Glad I never got married.

Vegeta:Don't rub it in

Bulma:What was that?!

Vegeta:Uhh nothing.*To frieza*Now where do you suppose the boy is?

Frieza:I would guess inside.

Vegeta:...I knew that,I was testing you

Frieza:Testing for what?

Vegeta:...Could we just ring the bell?

Frieza:Fine by me*blows up the door*

Bulma:was that really nesscesary?

Vegeta and Frieza:YES!

Vegeta:Now wait out here*vegeta and frieza go inside*

Bulma:3...2...1...*explosions and people screaming are heard inside the building*

Vegeta:Where is he,we only brought one six pack.

Frieza:and we only have 2 more beers left.

Vegeta:Wheres Nemo,I thought he was coming with us to carry beer.

Frieza:He said he had to make a phone call.

*at the bar*
Nemo:Hello is this america's Most Wanted?
*back at the other place*

Vegeta:*breaks into the main office blasting everything*Where is my..*nurse behind desk pulls out shotgun*

Nurse:Our patients*fires*Are trying*fires*to sleep!*fires*
(I'm out of Ideas)

Nemo: If I had a dime for every time...

(Awkward silence)

Nemo: If I had a dime for every time I couldn't finish that sentence, we would no longer need Bulma to support us.

Sub: No arguement.

Ace: Nope.

Frieza: Gotta agree on that one.

Espio: Cheese.

(Everyone looks at Espio. Except Nemo, who's grown bored with people agreeing with him and is now trying to juggle while hanging upside down from a chandelier)

Frieza: Oh come on... we don't need two mindless idiots around here.

Nemo: Some one called for me?

Sub: I have an idea! Let's blind fold the new guy, give him a shotgun, and make bets on how many shots it'll take for him to hit Nemo up on the chandelier.

Ace: Nine dollars on five shots.

Frieza: .........nine?

Ace: Don't ask about another guy's bet, MAN!!!

Frieza: Ya know what might be more fun?

Sub: Stuffing beer cans with dynamite and handing them out to children?

Frieza: That too but-

Ace: Shooting nail guns at oncoming cars and seeing who can blow out the most tires?

Frieza: Well, yeah, but-

Nemo: Taking teddy bears and...

(Awkward silence)

Nemo: Nevermind, you'd just think it was stupid...

Frieza: Probably, anyway, I was gonna suggest we give Espio AND Ryoga shotguns, and seeing which of them could hit Nemo first.

Sub: Hm... okay.

Ace: In that case, ten bucks on Ryoga.

Frieza: Wait... ten?

Ace: What did I just say about that, MAN!!!???

(Ryoga2101) Fine. I'll hit Nemo first. Espios a bad shot.

(Hands out shotguns)

Frieza: Let the bloodshed begin! Hmhmhm.

Ace: Hey, weren't you off rescuing Trunks of something.

Frieza: Oh yes. We just got back. You see...

(Earlier that evening)

(Vegeta and Frieza jump behind a table for cover from the nurse)

Vegeta: What now?

Frieza: Quick, give me a beer!

(Vegeta gives Frieza a beer. He drinks it)

Frieza: Ah...give me another one.

Vegeta: I meant 'now what can we do that's HELPFUL'.

Frieza: Oh.

(Frieza closes his eyes. The nurse's shotgun mysteriously explodes)

Vegeta: All right, where is my son?!

Nurse: Who?

Vegeta: Came in yesterday, purple hair, shotgun rampage, fear of clowns,...

Nurse: Oh him. Ward 6.

(They find Trunks' room)

Vegeta: Come on boy. We're going home.

Trunks: Huh? Oh hi dad...uh, thanks, but I kinda like it here.

Vegeta: What?

Trunks: Yeah! They have everything! Food, drugs, Fox,-

Vegeta: What did I tell you about watching Fox?

Trunks: Not while Mom's looking.

Vegeta: Good boy. But you're coming. NOW!

Trunks: No!

Frieza: Vegeta, give me a beer.

Vegeta: Not now, Frieza.

Frieza: Not for me, for the boy!

Vegeta: Oh...

(Gives Trunks a beer)

Trunks: *gasp* Beer! Oh, I'd almost forgotten! I would never forsake you! (drinks) Ah. Ok, we can go now.

(2 doctors come in)

Doctor: Ok Trunks, it's time for yo-...who're you two?

Frieza: Oh, just think of us as janitors. There were so many security guards out there you see, dirtying up the halls and such. So we took care of them.

Doctor: Uh...

(The doctor, fearing for his life, begins to run, but upon noticing the beer can gets an idea)

Doctor: Uh, hey, how would you guys like a drink?

(2 hours later)

Bulma: What's taking those two so long?! How hard can it be to find one boy and get out when you can blow up walls?!

(Back inside, Vegeta and Frieza having a therapy session with the doctors)

Vegeta: I blame Kakarot for all of my problems. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have been training on Earth, and then I wouldn't have married Bulma...that and it's just easy to blame Kakarot.

Frieza: Yes. If it wasn't for that sniviling monkey I would be immortal right now, and you'd all probably be dead (sips some booze). Mm. These tranquilizers you keep trying to slip us are quite nice, but we really must be going. Vegeta's wife is probably still waiting outside.

Vegeta: Oh ****! I completely forgot! We gotta go!

(End flashback)

Frieza: So after about 15 minutes of getting yelled at by Bulma, we ran and hid here. Trunks is at home getting the drugs out of his system, and replacing them with alcohol. So we decided tha-

Ace: Hold on, I think Ryoga's finally got his aim down.

(Nemo's left arm is blasted off. All cheer, including Nemo)

[The Bear!]

(Magnus X Zero) *starts stealing more beer* Times are tough... *flips on TV*

Frieza: Yeah. We need something to occupy ourselves. Goku! Go dance on the street corner in your underwear for money. And make sure you bring the money back.

Goku: But nobody uses these streets anymore. So many people have died on them that they were declared a disaster area and closed.

Frieza: I don't care; just dance monkey! Dance!

(Goku's ear falls into Sub's drink)

Vegeta:Thats not how you do it,This is*takes out goku's teddy bear*

Goku:NOOOOO

Vegeta:Dance kakarot!or the bear gets it!

Goku:awww man*begins dancing in his underwear*

Vegeta:Now lets see a smile,OR THE BEAR GETS IT!!!

Goku:Grrr,at least no ones here to see this.

*Trunks walks by shooting randomly into the air*

Trunks*laughs like nelson(simpsons)*:HA HA*continues shooting down the street*

Goku:Vegeta your worse than the toaster that keeps laughing at me and burns my toast to the point where I can't eat breakfest anymore because breakfest isn't the same without toast MAN!!!!

Frieza:What the?

Vegeta:The wife was right you do have issues

[Uncle Vegeta's Pure Mash Liquor]

Vegeta:Behold,I have returned!And with a new drink.

Frieza:what would that be?

Vegeta:Uncle Vegeta's pure mash Liquor.

Nemo:Why does that sound familiar?

Vegeta:It's so scientifically made,it has a 99% alcohol content,and thats per volume.

Frieza:What the hell does that mean?

Vegeta:It means you get messed up for less money.*begins swatting at birds only vegeta can see.*

Frieza:What are you swatting at?

Vegeta:*swatting at birds*Hey leave me alone!I just wanna sell liquor.*begins running around the bar swatting and yelling*

Nemo:I still think I know this from somewhere...oh well*turns on Saturday Night Live.*

[Tragedy]

Vegeta: Listen up everybody! Gather 'round, I have an announcement.

(Nemo continues rolling in the shattered remains of the
chandelier, singing the 'I dream of Genie' theme song)

Vegeta: I said shut up, ya drunks!

(Nemo explodes)

Vegeta: Good. Now I'm afraid I have some bad news. It seems our bar on the SGSB has been destroyed.

*Gasps*

Vegeta: Because SOMEONE lit one too many things on FIRE!!!

(Looks at Frieza)

Frieza: Uh...sorry...

Sub: So what? We didn't use that bar anyway.

Vegeta: Exactly. It was still full of booze.

Sub: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Trunks: Uh oh. I think I left Mom's wallet in there.

Vegeta: Well then you'd better get going.

Trunks: To get it back?

Vegeta: No, I mean you'd better get out of the country for a few days. Here, buy a plane tickets. (Hands Trunks something)

Trunks: ...Dad, this is a bottle opener.

Vegeta: The plane leaves in an hour! (Shoves Trunks out the door)

Frieza: Uh oh...I think I left Goku in there.

All: ...

(Mad laughter)

Vegeta: Ah, but seriously. It was our oldest bar in history, and the only one to die before its time. It never even made it to 400. It could have lived to be a whole year old.

Frieza: And in its honor, there shall be no more bars on the SGSB...that, and we never go there anyway.

Vegeta: Good. Now let's all drown our sorrows.

(All get hammered)

[SPA Beach Party]

(Jumps up on counter wearing sunglasses)

Frieza: Gentlemen, I have a wonderful idea!

Vegeta: You're not gonna shoot the place up again, are you? Because I'm not buying more new tables.

Frieza: No no, this will be fun for all! With summer now midway through, I thought it would be a nice change if we all went out and had an S.P.A. beach party (like the Las Vegas trip). Anyone up for it?

*disapears and then reapears with 3 bazookas, 5 51-K machine guns, 10 shotguns, 1 elephant rifle, 7 six-shooters, and 4 kegs of Sub's Seizure **** *

I'm ready.

Vegeta:I'm in,as long as I don't have to buy new tables.

Frieza: Well then it's settled! Trunks, grab the booze, some money, and Goku.

Trunks: You got it.

(Trunks pulls out a cooler the size of 6 refrigerators from the back and fills it with liquor and Goku)

Vegeta: Do we have to take Kakarot?

Frieza: Hey, I don't know about you, but I'm not paying for hamburger meat.

Vegeta: Oh yeah. Come on boy, hurry up! And other boy, this bar had better be SPOTLESS when we get back!

Trunks: Uh, dad, Social Services took little Trunks away 3 weeks ago.

Vegeta: Again? Don’t those people have other families to bother?

Ace: Yo, I ain't waitin' all day!

(All leave. Vegeta hangs 'Gone drinkin' sign on door)

(Later, on the beach)

Frieza: You know Sub, you didn't have to kill EVERYONE on that bus.

Sub: Hey, I don't tell you how to do your job.

Frieza: You call that a job?

Sub: (points bazooka at Frieza)

Frieza: ...

Vegeta: Alright, this spot's fine. Set the cooler over there, Trunks.

(Trunks puts down 6 fridge cooler)

Vegeta: Is this all we brought?

Trunks: Well, we drank half on the ride here.

Frieza: Don't worry. I hijacked a duff truck on the way and left it up the road. And if that's not enough, we can always rob a liquor store, or a gas station.

Trunks: I'm all over that! (pulls out shotgun and starts blasting seagulls)

Frieza: Vegeta, get that boy help. Really soon.

Vegeta: Hey, I'm not paying for some fancy therapy. He's got all the help he needs right here with his family.

Frieza: But he never sees his family.

Vegeta: I meant his bar family! He's got me-

Frieza: Yeah, that's helping.

Vegeta: You-

Frieza: Keep trying.

Vegeta: Uh, the guy over there (points to Sub mugging hotdog vender)

Frieza: Don't know where to begin with that one.

Trunks: Don't forget the clowns that haunt my sleep every night! They remind me that they're all against me.

Vegeta: Um...Kakarot?...hey, where is Kakarot anyway? He's not in the cooler.

Trunks: He must've snuck out. Should I go find him (hefts shotgun)

Vegeta: Nah, he'll turn up somewhere.

(Goku comes running up wearing a straw hat, plastic sunglasses, and a Hawaiian shirt)

Goku: Yeah! Beach party! Woo!...right? I can say it now?

Vegeta: (sigh) Yes Kakarot, you can say it now.

Goku: Woo! Party! Yeah! Woo!

(Goku runs down the beach yelling party)

Frieza: ...we get him help first.

Vegeta: Let him get his own help.

Goku:*continues running up the beach*

Trunks:I wish I had a Straw hat.

Vegeta:Really?

Trunks:HELL NO?I was just making conversation.

Vegeta:I see...

Trunks:...*drinks beer*yup

Vegeta:yup...

Frieza:Yup...

Goku:Yeah!...I mean Yup...

*Vegeta,Trunks and Frieza all throw beer cans at Goku*

Nemo: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH... A sailor's life for me, HEY! (Throws paper boat into ocean and jumps onto it, then begins using a twig as an oar.)

All: (Stare uncomprehendingly)

~Five minutes later, once Nemo is about a hundred feet from the shore~

Frieza: Shouldn't we be wondering how a boat made out of one sheet of newspaper, made by a drunken idiot, seems to be more sea-worthy than anything we could've made even without being drunk?

Trunks: Probably. (Shoots at Nemo with shotgun. Paper boat takes a hit in the side, but still seems to be alright.)

(Back at the beach)

Goku: Hey guys, bury me!

Frieza: Whatever.

(Frieza and Vegeta bury Goku)

Goku's head: Yay! Now dig me out!

Vegeta: Uh, in a minute. I'm gonna go get a beer.

Frieza: Yes, me too.

(3 hours later)

Goku: Guys? These horsefly bites are starting to hurt, and I think the tide is coming in...oh, hi Mister Crab. What have you-OW!

(At drink shack)

Frieza: Ah, there's nothing like sea air and liquor.

Nemo: Except maybe that wierd brand of steak sauce I made from couch stuffing.

Frieza: Aren't you supposed to be out on a paper boat?

Nemo: I am.

(Points to ocean)

(Frieza sees Nemo on paper boat)

(Looks down to find Nemo gone)

Frieza: ...I think I finally get it! He's so stupid that it actually bends reality!

[Vegeta's Loaded]

(it's 3 in the morning and im bored as hell.I call this one Vegeta's Loaded)

Vegeta:Alright every body gather around.

Trunks:Now what?

Vegeta:Apparently kakarot has decided to join a some rebel faction.

Frieza:And who might that be?

Vegeta:One of the most evil groups in history.

Frieza:Disney?

Sub:Pepsi?

Trunks:Those people who go to your million dollar beach house at christmas time and sing annoying songs just so they can ask you for charity afterwards which makes you feel kinda awkward because it's 3 in the afternoon and your not wearing any pants only boxers and*Vegeta inturupts*

Vegeta:What the hell are you talking about boy?...And what the hell are you doing at 3 in the afternoon without any pants?

Trunks:Well if you must know I was doing Laundry.It's hard being a bachelor in this day and age.Whene you have no one to care for you in such a crule world while trying to maintain a pimp life style.

Frieza:Saying Hello to a woman does not make you a pimp.

Vegeta:Espesially whene you always get rejected by them...and why is it you've never told us about this beach house of yours.

Nemo:...wait You really have a beach house?

Ace:And it's really worth a million dollars?

Trunks:2.4 to be exact

Vegeta:exactly where the hell did you come up with that kind of money?

Trunks:Well I uh...Hey aren't we supposed to be talking about goku rebelling against us or something?

Frieza:Forget that,this is more interesting.

Vegeta:Yes it is,NOW SPEAK BOY!!!

Trunks:About What!

Frieza:About the house!

Trunks:Hey I never ask about your personal lives!

Vegeta:well most of us don't have million dollar homes!

Trunks:Then buy one!it's not like you guys can't afford one!Especially you father.

Vegeta:Huh?

Trunks:Anyone actually bother to tell you that whene you married mom you gained 50 percent of capsule corp.?

Vegeta:...Huh?

Frieza:I always found it kind of odd how we've never had trouble buying a new bar.

Sub:How much money does vegeta actully get?I would say earn but that would offend those of us who actually have jobs.

Vegeta:*still in shock*...Huh?

(to be continued...after I get something to eat)

Vegeta:*Sitting in a corner*huh?

Frieza:Hmmm,Seeing as vegeta is actually rich,I propose we find a way to take his money for ourselves.

Everybody:Agreed!

Goku:*Walks in*yeah I agree.

Frieza:What are you doing here Monkey!

Trunks:Yeah goku,I heard you left us for some other group.

Goku:Actually that was a self help group.to keep it brief it's called the "Abused Main Anime Characters Treatment Center For The Abused and Misunderstood Main Anime Character"

Frieza:Thats Brief?

Trunks:Maybe in his strange wor...*gets punched by goku*Ah damn it what the hell was that.

Goku:Something I learned at the center.

Nemo:Which would be?

Goku:that violence really is the answer.

Trunks:Wait so does this mean your gonna start fighting back now?

Goku:Thats Right

Trunks:Damn!

Goku:Got that right*cracks knuckles*Now who's first!

ALL:He is!*all point to the still shocked vegeta*

Vegeta:...Huh?

Goku:*tackles vegeta and begins attacking him*

Trunks:Well he's out of the way,now what were we talking about?

Frieza:how to get vegeta's money.

Trunks:Oh yeah,So any Ideas?

Sub:Hold that thought. I have a mission.

*grabs 2 51-k machine guns and runs outside. Outside a voice that hasn't gone through puberty yells.*

Haha look at that shooby he's a freak!

Sub:Die spawn of PBS!

*several screams are emitted and then Sub runs back in.*

FRieza:what the hell was that.

Sub:seagulls. really big annoying IQ lowering seagulls.

Frieza: Uh...you have some ‘seagull’ blood on your leg.

Sub: Hm? Oh. (wipes blood off and licks fingers)

Frieza: Now how to get that money...

Sub: I have an idea!

Frieza: I was thinking more along the line of something that isn't going to kill him.

Sub: Kill is such an ugly word. I prefer the term ‘[censored][censored][censored][censored][censored][censored]'.

(Silence)

Trunks: I figure the easiest way to get it out of him would be to get him drunk and make him sign over his half of Capsule Corp.

Frieza: Yeah, but then we gotta wait until Goku's done with him.

Goku: Oh, I am.

(Everyone jumps with surprise)

Goku: Yeah, he fell unconscious...at least I think he did. He just keeps saying 'huh?' over and over. So who's next?

(Sub begins to take something out, but Frieza interrupts)

Frieza: Uh, wait. You wanted to help us get Vegeta’s fortune, right?

Goku: Yeah. I figure after all the injury I’ve taken in this bar, he owes me some crazy amount of money.

Frieza: Ok then. Our plan is to sneak into his house and get all his important papers so we can steal his identity and withdraw all his money.

Goku: Sounds good.

Frieza: Good. So could you go get his house key? He keeps it in the basement.

Goku: Sure...uh, where’s the basement again?

Frieza: Right down that chute.

Goku: Thanks.

(Goku begins getting into tube labeled 'Sub's pit of unfathomable agony', but stops)

Goku: Hey, you already tried this one! Just how dumb do you think I am?!

Ace: ...

Sub: ...

Trunks: ...

Frieza: ...do I have to get the videotape out?

Goku: Well those days are over! Hear me?! (Grabs Frieza)

Frieza: Oh fine! I’m sorry. The basement’s over there (points to basement)

Goku: There. See? Things work out better when you don’t try to trick me.

(Goko walks into basement. Frieza locks basement door)

Frieza: Hey, he’s right!

Trunks: Uh, dad’s keys aren’t down there...and that door’s make of cardboard.

Frieza: Oh, he may not find keys down there, but I think he’ll be well occupied.

(Frieza and Ace share a sadistic laugh)

Trunks: ...what are you keeping down there?

Frieza: Ah, don’t worry about it. I don’t think we’ll be seeing him for a few hours. But in the meantime, let’s get back to Vegeta over there.

Vegeta: ...huh?

Trunks:I think Iv finaly figured it out.

Frieza:How to get the Money?

Trunks:No,How to get Goku off our backs.

Frieza:and hows that?

Trunks:By putting him with his own kind.

Ace:Saiyans?

Nemo:Circus folk?

Frieza:Monkeys at the Zoo.

Trunks:No,no and I kinda take offense to that last one.

Frieza:Hehehe.So then who?

Trunks:Other Anime characters who act idiotic but are actually strong.

Ace:That would be?

Trunks:Kenshin Himura a.k.a. Battousai the Manslayer and Vash the Stampede a.k.a. The Humanoid Typhoon.

Frieza:I see...actually I don't,what the hell's the point of this?

Trunks:If we put Goku with people who will be his friends,he'll stop bugging us.Thus letting us think of ways to get the money...that and I wants Kenshins sword.

Sub:How come?

Trunks:Cause mine breaks every time I actually use it.Now who wants to Kidnap Kenshin and Vash?

Frieza: Well, I suppose it sounds more amusing that actually fighting him.

Sub: Speak for yourself.

Frieza: Fine. I'll go get Kenshin, since I don't know who or where the other guy is.

Nemo: Can I come? I promise not to cause comic mischief like I always do.

Frieza: ...

Nemo: Uh...and I'll carry the beer?

Frieza: Done. Now let's go.

(Frieza leaves. Nemo follows, pretending he's an airplane)

(Later)

Sanosuke: Alright Kenshin, let's have that rematch!

Kenshin: Ok then. Ready? Go!

(Kenshin and Sanosuke charge each other. Nemo flies between them. Kenshin falls flat on his face)

Sanosuke: What the...

Kenshin: It appears to be some sort of animal, that it does.

Sanosuke: Well why did it just jump at us?

Frieza: (emerging from bushes) Uh, pay no attention to that. It's just a little-

Sanosuke: AH! It's a demon! Run Kenshin, it's come to take our souls!

Frieza: I am not a demon.

Kenshin: Now hold on Sanosuke; we don't know what this thing's intention's are.

Frieza: I am not a demon.

Sanosuke: What do you mean it's intentions?! Just look at it! What do you think something like that would want? A cup of tea?! Directions?! The time?! Come on Kenshin, we gotta get outta here!

Frieza: I am not a demon.

Kenshin: We can't judge others by appearance. If people did that to you, they'd clear the streets every time you passed.

Sanosuke: Uh, Kenshin, they DO clear the streets every time I pass.

Frieza: I am not a demon.

Kenshin: Really? Are you sure it was you? Maybe it was someone behind you, or maybe you just really needed a bath.

Nemo: (jumping to his feet) Whee!! Throw me again!

Sanosuke: AH!

Kenshin: The beast can speak.

Sanosuke: See?! It's black magic I tell ya!

Frieza: Oh, will you two calm down already! There's really nothing to be afraid of!

Nemo: Yeah! It's not like we're here to kidnap you and lock you in a poorly built basement with an abused and disturbed Anime star so that we can get him out of our hair and rob a bartender!

Kenshin: (Confused look)

Sanosuke: (Confused look)

Nemo: (Blissfully unaware look)

Frieza: (Unamused look)...Nemo, go play in traffic.

Nemo: But this is 18th century Japan. There is no traffic.

Frieza: THEN GO PLAY WITH THE DAMN SWORDSMAN!

(Throws Nemo at Kenshin. Kenshin gets hit in the head and falls unconscious)

Frieza: Wow. He is a lot like Goku. Hm. I wonder how Trunks is making out.

Vegeta: ...huh?

*waits onmiously for Frieza and Nemo to get back. As they come in he nods and throws a beer to Frieza.*

Sub:What was the name of the other guy? Vash?

Frieza:yes.

Nemo:Whooo lets all streak!

Sub:...Nemo most of us arn't wearing clothes and those who are are more human then us.

Nemo:...OMG I'm a woman!

*Nemo faints in horror after looking down.*

Frieza:You'd think he'd realize by now that all furries have there genitalia hidden...

Sub:Vash... sounds familiar. Be right back.

*goes into basement and returns moments later with a frozen bodybag.*

Sub:I think he's alive...

Frieza: Ok, I haven't heard any fighting for a while. We'd better send these guys down. Is Vash thawed out yet?

Sub: (Using a flame thrower on frozen Vash) Nah, not for another hour.

Frieza: Well then, we'll just make due with Kenshin for a while. Battousai, get over here.

Nemo: Uh, he's still unconscious.

Frieza: Don't bother me with details, just get him over here!

(Nemo tosses Frieza Kenshin. Frieza drags him into the basement)

Goku: Oh, hi Frieza! Sorry I'm taking so long. Vegeta must hide those keys really well! Oh, by the way, you've got a pretty big rat problem down here. I just spent an hour killing this HUGE one. You should call an exterminator. That's what we did when we had cricket problem in my back yard 'cause they were making so much noise all day and all night going 'cheep cheep cheep' and it was driving Chichi crazy so she said "Goku, stop playing with the kitchen appliances and get rid of those crickets!" so I went out and did a Kamehameha like the one I used on you only weaker but I missed the yard completely and blew up a forest and Chichi just sighed and called the exterminator and I went back and played with the microwave 'cause the beepy sounds make me giggle, and then I went to sleep...I'm sorry, what were we talking about?

Frieza: ......um...never mind. I've got someone here I'd like you to meet. His name is Kenshin Himura.

Goku: Oh! Pleased to meet you! (Bows to the unconscious Kenshin)

Frieza: Uh...yeah, well, why don't you two just talk for a while. He's a bit tired right now, so he won't say too much, but I think you'll get along fine. Now, uh, I'll go look for Vegeta's keys upstairs.

Goku: Look for what now?

Frieza: Uh, nothing.

(Frieza comes back)

Frieza: He'll be down there all day. Now, back to the other monkey.

Vegeta: ...huh?

Nemo: Hey guys, wait a minute. Don't we already have Vegeta's fortune?

Frieza: Explain.

Nemo: Well, he gives us all the free beer we want, and he buys us a new bar every month, and all the mindless things we fill it with. Why bother taking it?

Frieza: Uh...

Trunks: We...

Sub: Nemo, are you trying to make sense?

Nemo: Well, I-

(Sub stuffs Nemo into a small cylinder and blasts it into space. It explodes.)

Sub: Problem solved.

Trunks: Yeah, now how do we get my dad out of this trance?

Vegeta: ...huh?

(Back to Vegeta)

Frieza: Alright, alright, I suppose Nemo has a point. Besides, I'm ridiculously rich already. I vote we let him keep it...but let's not tell him about it.

Trunks: Why?

Frieza: Just to be mean.

Trunks: Well alright. I'm rich too.

(Goes back to whacking customers with reverse-blade sword)

Sub: Hey, maybe you're rich, but I still want his money!

Frieza: What do you need money for? You just kill everyone and take what you want anyway.

Sub: Yes, but sometimes I feel like being nice and paying for stuff.

Frieza: Really?

Sub: No.

(Kicks Frieza in the shin)

Frieza: Agh! Look, here's a check for 20 million dollars. Go buy yourself some hookers and never speak of this again.

(Sub leaves)

Trunks: (whacking Frieza with sword) Now how do we wake up my dad?

Frieza: Easy.

(Splashes Vegeta with beer)

Vegeta: Huh?...wha? Ah! Precious alcohol leaking through floor boards!

(Begins licking floor)

Vegeta: Ah...hey, why can't I remember the last few hours.

Frieza: You were hammered.

Vegeta: Oh, right.

(All drink, except for Trunks, who considers robbing a MacDonald’s with his new sword, but settles for just pestering the cashier)

[Renovations]

Frieza: Ok, time or some remodeling.

(Blows up bathroom)

Ace: So what're ya building?

Frieza: Who said anything about building?

(Blows up other bathroom)

(Finishes hammering away at secret project.)

Frieza: Not bad... what the hell is it?

Ace: I figured somebody would start whining about the neglect we put into repairing the place so I took it upon myself to fix some stuff.

(Frieza looks the place up and down.)

Frieza: You missed the TV.

(A voice screaming 'GET OUT!!!' can be heard coming from the black and whitye set hanging over the bar. Something tosses an empty bottle over Ace's head to smash against the wall.)

Ace: So?

Frieza: You didn't fix the third step leading to the torture chamber downstairs.

(Nemo is heard yelling in terror after crashing down into the dark room below.)

Ace: So?

Frieza: Then what did you fix, Ace?

(Steps back and pulls on a switch. Shots of gold and clear liquid begin streaming out of a fountain in the middle of the heavily damaged arena. Ace grabs a mug and takes a swig of the fountain's liquor.)

Ace: Only thing I wanted to, MAN!!!

[Random]

Frieza: And the award for random insanity goes to...

(Award explodes)

Frieza: The mysterious force inhabiting the basement. Congratulations.

(Magnus X Zero) Congrats mysterious force! Here's to you! *chug*

(Vegeta takes out a clip board that looks as though it was procured from a nearby dumpster...and probably was.)

Vegeta: All right everyone, we're running low on funds again. Any suggentions?

Ace: Industrial espionage?

Vegeta: Nah. Too much work.

Frieza: Government kidnapings?

Vegeta: Tried it. We can't seem to keep the hostages alive long enough to collect.

(Everyone stares at Nemo and Sub)

Sub: ...Why don't we just mug people?

Vegeta: We do.

Sub: Oh yeah.

Frieza: We could sell Goku into slavery.

Vegeta: No. We need him to kick around.

Frieza: Hm...

(Nemo bangs his fists on the table)

Nemo: Ooo! Ooo! I know! We could host a Bush speech!

Frieza: ...how is THAT going to make us money?

Nemo: We sell drinks to the reporters. And plus, we can sit in the back and hekel Bush!

Trunks: Uh, I don't think this place needs any more publicity than it already has. (points to newspaper clipping on wall with a headline reading "Thousands die in barfight. Police are powerless to stop Saiya-jins Club"

Goku: Hey, why don't you just ask your wife?

Vegeta: Because that would involve going home and speaking to her. Then she wants to know where I've been, and I have to make something up. Then she says she doesn't believe me, and yells until the next morning. And who asked you?!

(Smacks Goku)

Vegeta: Grr...ah to hell with it!

(Sets fire to bills)

Vegeta: This stuff gives me a headache.

(Drinks beer)

Vegeta: Ah. That's better.

Vegeta: So did Chibi Trunks behave while I was gone?

Frieza: Who?...oh right. I forgot all about him.

Vegeta: Aw man! He'd better not have starved again!

(Frieza and Vegeta run into bathroom to find Goku cleaning toilets)

Vegeta: Kakarot, not that it's unfitting, but why are you doing my son's job?

Goku: Because he asked me to.

Vegeta: (smacks forehead)

Frieza: Well, where is he?

Goku: He was taking a nap. I think rats carried him off.

Vegeta: How could you let rats carry off my son?!

Goku: I didn't think you'd mind. I mean, didn't you try to sell him for beer once?

Vegeta: That was different!

Goku: How?

Vegeta: I got beer!

Goku: Oh...then can I stop cleaning now?

Vegeta: Hell no; you lost my toilet cleaner, YOU fill in for him.

Goku: Aw...

Frieza: So now what?

Vegeta: We search the sewers. I just hope we find him before-

Bulma: VEGETA!!!

(Vegeta screams and hides behind Goku)

Bulma: Why is out son floating in the gutter on Main Street?!

Vegeta: Uh, because he weighs less than the water?

(Bulma grabs his collar)

Bulma: How can you be so irresponsible?! Well?! Do you have anything to say for yourself?!

Vegeta: Um...uh...happy anniversary?

Bulma: Aw, you remembered!

(Hugs Vegeta)

Vegeta: (to Frieza) Get me outta here.

Frieza: No problem. Hold still.

(Injects pure alcohol into Vegeta's veins)

Vegeta: Ah, there we go.

(Bulma walks out with half-conscious Vegeta)

Goku: Isn't love beautiful?

Frieza: Go bring back little Trunks before I drown you in the toilet.

Goku: Yes sir...

Frieza: Here we are ladies and gentlemen, the heart of today's fastest growing stories. It's time to ask all of those hard hitting questions that've secretly left you dying inside from lack of closure. The cure is here and we're not leaving until we've sucked it from the souls of every last drunk in this unholy establishment. Let's begin!

(Moves up to Ace with a glass microphone)

Frieza: So tell me Ace, what's your take on the new supreme court nominee?

Ace: ...you been drinkin' something new, Friez?

Frieza: Actually I'm pretending to be a reporter to keep myself from going insane from sitting in this stagnant pit for the last 4 years.

(Ace stares questioningly)

Frieza: ...look, it was either this or blow up the planet. I got tired of killing Nemo and Goku.

(Suddenly, a Sephroth-like man bursts through the door dragging an unconscious Trunks and approaches Vegeta)

Seph ripoff: Is this your son?

Vegeta: Is this about my tax return?

Seph ripoff: No.

Vegeta: Then no. He's my other-timeline-self's son.

Seph ripoff: I caught him stapling these fliers to people's cars.

(Hands Vegeta flier)

Vegeta: All you can eat ribs, $10. Hey, that's a pretty good deal.

Not typing Seph ripoff anymore: Uh, other side. He was using the back of someone else's flier.

(Vegeta turns over flier and reads crudely drawn ad for Saiya-jin Protection Agency)

Vegeta: And?

Man: I want to hire you.

Vegeta: What's in it for us?

Man: Beer.

Vegeta: What's in it for you?

Man: Murder.

Vegeta: Sounds good to me. So why did you knock him out?

Man: When I asked him about your group, he said I had to buy him a drink before we could talk. I did, then he robbed a liquor store and passed out before I got much out of him. I had to follow that horrible map on the ad (points to a Roy Rogers place mat maze with the Roy Rogers crossed out and replaced with a sketch of the bar).

Vegeta: Ah, ok then. Boy, get up!

Trunks: (groan) What?

Vegeta: What have I told you about robbing liquor stores?

Trunks: Only at night.

Vegeta: And?

Trunks: And get some for you.

Vegeta: And don't forget it. Other boy!

(Chibi Trunks comes out of the bathroom)

Chibi Trunks: Yeah?

Vegeta: Scrub those toilets harder and think about what your older self did.

(Unhappy sounds)

Frieza: Father of the year.

Vegeta: Shut up. And start getting ready, you're taking this job.

Frieza: And why should I?

Vegeta: Because two years ago you lost to me in poker and promised you'd take the next job we got.

Frieza: Damnit, you were supposed to be too drunk to remember that.

Man: I'd prefer it if there were more than one of you. This isn't an easy job.

Ace: I'll come. I'm up for some action.

Vegeta: You're going too boy, for forgetting my beer. Or as punishment for robbing a store. Whatever sounds better.

Trunks: Grr, but I'm hung over.

Vegeta: Drink it off.

Ace: What about Nemo and GM?

Frieza: I think they're on the moon or something.

Man: Get yourselves ready and meet me in the graveyard in an hour.

Frieza: This entire city's a graveyard.

Man: The one where bodies are buried respectfully.

Frieza: Where's that?

Man: I think it's next to the alligator on you map.

(Exchange generic anime grins. Kenshin runs in and kills the man)

Frieza: ...uh, why did you do that?

Kenshin: I don't know. Please help me.

(Kills Kenshin)

Ace: Well, so much for that.

Frieza: Guess I'm back to reporting then. Think I'll try Nemo and GM. Or Magnus. Somehow I always forget him.

Oh by the way guys. Looking at the last bar I'm sort of mad. I am at a disadvantage of not having my own computer. I got beat up/killed/ and maimed. Maybe you all forget. Do you know who the **** I am? I'm the Subbernaught! *****!!!!

*Pulls out one god awfully large shotgun and aims it straight at the ceiling. Cocks it and fires. Suddenly a large walrus erupts from the barrel of the gun.*

Do it for a bud light my walrus slave!

*The walrus flies through the air only to realize it's magical wing juice has failed. The walrus then proceeds to fall to the floor where he just sort of rolls around*

Behold I have won again!

*I leap into the air and just sort of stay there while the Top Gun theme begins to play in a never ending loop.*

(Frieza bursts in)

Frieza: Alright everyone, places!

GM: Which places? The ones for the health inspector?

Frieza: No, for-

Ace: For the FBI?

Sub: UN troops?

Trunks: Child services?

Vegeta: The wife?

Nemo: Mailman?

Frieza: No, no, the beer company that's shooting their commercial here!

Vegeta: You never told us we were having a commercial.

Frieza: What do you mean? I wrote it in glowing green blood in huge letters on that wal-

(Notices wall has been replaced with walrus)

Frieza: ...yes. Anyway, they're outside unloading. Hide little Trunks and cover the corpses or something.

Ace: Why would a beer company want to do a commercial here? This place is enough to scare anyone sober, MAN!

Frieza: Because apparently they've never heard of us. I guess the world governments have been suppressing news of our grander exploits.

Vegeta: Eh, I'm not in the mood.

Frieza: Hmph! I go out of my way to listen to these people instead of blowing them up so that we can all make a profit for a change and you won't even clean up some corpses?

Vegeta: Fine, fine, don't nag me. What do we have to do?

Frieza: Well first of all...

(Shoots beans around room. Bodies explode, blood evaporates, basement and torture room doors melt shut, Nemo dies)

Frieza: Now just drink like you normally do, except don't kill anybody or destroy anything. (Looks at Nemo, already undead) Or talk.

Undead Nemo: Brains!

(Goku walks in)

Goku: Hey guys, what was that camera crew doing outside?

Vegeta: Get lost clown, we're making money.

Frieza: Wait, was?

Goku: Yeah, I asked them if they were here to film a documentary about that time you guys started a war with the fire department and they packed up and left suddenly.

(Silence)

Goku: Uh...is that bad?

Frieza: No, not at all Goku. You see, we were throwing you a surprise party and they didn't want you to see what we'd prepared for you.

Goku: A party? What for?

Frieza: Your induction into the food chain, monkey.

Goku: Huh?

(Impales Goku on walrus's tusk, both implode into walrus's stomach and vanish into the dimension of eaten things)

GM: Oh well, it's not like we need money anyway.

Vegeta: Speak for yourself. Our bribe bill is getting bigger every day.

Sub: Then just add some of it to our blackmail list.

Ace: And don't forget the extortion fund!

Frieza: Is it me, or it it getting harder to drink around here without being disturbed?

Nemo: Septaloofaversiday!

(Septuplets of loofas begin parading through the streets outside declaring their inherent superiority to sponges, have a 3 second war/holocaust, and detonate an atomic bomb)

Ace: You're just not drinking enough.

(Swigs 3 Ace drinks at once, passes out in spasmodic frenzy spouting gibberish only Epyon can understand)

[Basemented]

(Ultamite X) You might have already herd but while everyone is to be concerned with the election, Congress is to handle the matter of the draft.

with that aside give me the most expensive drink you got and soke ramen in it.

Frieza: Our most expensive drink is called the 'we kill you and loot your corpse', but I believe you wanted something more along these lines.

(Gives Ultamite an Ace drink with Ramen in it)

(Ultamite X) *consumes the creation and is set on fire by a Molotov cocktail. soon starts to give off enough light and heat to dwarf the sun*

Hey everyone watch this!!! are you watchin!!! *stumbles around drunkenly and then pulls a glock from his seeminingly invisible pant and shoots Nemo then picks up the screaming body and throws him into a room with a very dusty door and immediately slams it. More screams follow*

Did anyone else forget we have a basement! I mean seriously you like walk down there and die! It's awesome!....I got this great idea. We could make this show where we drag random celebrities from their homes loot them and then throw them in the basement...we could then comense to shout "You've just been basementeded" and we could call it "basementeded"....

Frieza: (containing Ultamite's explosion) Well Sub, I would say that sounds like fun, but the last time we televised something in the bar we had to blow it up and move to a new zip code...which we do every few months anyway just for good measure, but it's a real bother. Besides, celebrities don't go in the basement. They go under the floorboards until someone pays the ransom.

Vegeta: That's right. In fact, they've been holding a telethon to raise money for the release of Rosie O'Donnell for the last month.

(Muffled noise under the floor)

Vegeta: Quite down there!

Yah your probally right... *fires glock into the floor to hear...*

Ashton ...uhhh his last name...: Owww!!!! Awesome!!!

I've been wondering why the floor was bleeding lately.

[How the SPA Spared Christmas]

(Smashes a bottle to accentuate his moment of realization)

Frieza: Ok, we're halfway through December and we haven't done anything. We've never let a Christmas slip by without some sort of adventure and I'll be damned if it happens on my watch!

Nemo: Does this mean we can kidnap Santa?

Frieza: No, I'd rather not resort to breaking our deal.

Nemo: Aw...

(Opens broom closet and releases department store Santa)

Frieza: I was thinking more along the lines of traditional holiday rigors like shopping, caroling, credit card fraud, and so on. But without the other guys around it won't be much fun...aw well. Nemo, start decorating the bar. I'm going to see if I can get into a humorous situation while on the way to a liquor store.

(Frieza returns from the liquor store to a fully decorated bar)

Frieza: ...Holy hell. You actually decorated the bar?

Nemo: Yup.

Frieza: Wow. I have to admit you did a pretty bang up job. I sure wasn't expecting you to paint the whole place red. Or do anything for that matter. And all the light balls hanging from the ceiling were a nice touch.

Nemo: Well, it's hard to be humble when you're as perfect as I am.

[Pause]

Frieza: So why no green paint? Christmas is supposed to be red and green, after all.

Nemo: Well, as it turns out, you can only get cats with red blood, but, as you can see, I was able to improvise.

Frieza: Oh good. I was afraid to ask what that smell was. And that you might have become sane while I was out. And even though cats have nothing to do with Christmas, at least they're cheap.

Nemo: Cheap AND flammable.

Frieza: Of course.

Nemo: So did anything funny happen while you were out?

Frieza: No, just the usual unnecessary death.

Nemo: Then why didn't you bring back any beer?

Frieza: Because, as you've no doubt picked up over the last few years, beer is ALSO flammable.

(Walking through mall)

Frieza: Ok, I got them all alcohol last year. I think I'll show them a little appreciation this year...even though they've left me alone with Nemo to manage the bar for the last few months...

(Walks past an Old Navy)

Frieza: What's this? How strange. My lighter appears to be undergoing some kind of thermal fluctuation. It gets worse the closer I get to this store. Their sound system must be emitting some disruptive waves. I should warn them about it before someone gets hurt.

(Walks into Old Navy. Is assaulted by blaring music. Approaches checkout counter)

Frieza: (yelling over music) Excuse me ma'am, but I believe there's something wrong with your sound system.

Clerk: What?

Frieza: I said there's something wrong with your sound system!

Clerk: Sounds fine to me!

Frieza: No, I mean I think there's a stray wave pattern coming from the speakers.

Clerk: Sneakers? Back of the store. But, uh, I don't think we have any in your...species.

Frieza: What? Look, just get your manager!

Clerk: Manicure? There's a great place just a few stores down!

Frieza: Mani...? Listen to me you air headed twit! My lighter's pulsating! That can't be right!

Clerk: What?! Ew! I'm calling security!

(Lighter explodes. Old Navy is incinerated. Frieza walks out of flaming store)

Frieza: What a waste. Those lighters are really expensive.

(Continues through mall)

Frieza: Well, let's see. What else can I get them? Besides Nemo of course. He'd be happy with a ball of wrapping paper and duct tape. Maybe I could set it on fire or something and call it a nightlight. But the others; what could I get them that they haven't already stolen for themselves?

(Not paying attention, walks into someone)

Frieza: Ah! Sorry I...Goku?

Goku: Hey Frieza! Good day for Christmas shopping, huh?

Frieza: What the hell are you doing here? I thought you were trapped in Sub's torture room.

Goku: No, I got outta there a while ago.

Frieza: Then where have those girlish screams been coming from for the last three days?

(Somewhere in a pit of eternal fire)

Goten: Father! Why hath thou forsaken me!?

(Back at the mall)

Goku: Beats me.

(Frieza reaches for lighter, only to be reminded of the inferno behind him)

Frieza: ...look monkey, I'm not on the mood for your shenanigans right now. I've got enough on my mind without having to ponder how physically impossible you are.

Goku: Aw, come on! We could do our shopping together! Then we could grab some coffee and talk about our kids and the good old days and hey is that store on fire?

Frieza: Why yes, I believe it's one of those 'red hot' sales or some such thing.

Goku: Wow. People get really crazy around the holidays, huh?

Frieza: ...I don't have time for this. I have no idea what to get the guys and I have to go halfway across the galaxy to replace my special lighter.

Goku: (shakes head) Oh Frieza, I expected better from you. Christmas is about love, Frieza, not material. The guys obviously have no need for material things, and since you' were just gonna steal the gifts anyway what's the point?

Frieza: Wha?

Goku: Look into your on-again off-again heart and think of something that will really mean something to them.

Frieza: ...wow...that really-

Goku: Like, for Chichi, I'm promising not to go in the kitchen for a whole month, and for Gohan I promised to stop borrowing his car, and Kenshin and me are-

(Frieza raises arm to blast Goku, but stops)

Frieza: Merry Christmas, Goku.

(Frieza flies away)

Goku: Thanks, Frieza!

(Back at bar)

Frieza: I’ve decided not to blow up the planet because I love you all. There. That’s your present…and some special drinks from my galacticly famous stash.

(Notices Nemo made a Christmas tree out of the fridge. Drops wrapped bottles under fridge with bodies)

Nemo: (trying to stick eyeball into light socket) Huh?

Frieza: …why did I come back here?

Nemo: (Looks up from electrical socket) OH MY GOD! (Jumps up frantically)

...

[Pause]

...

(Everyone stares at Nemo)

...

[Pause]

...

Nemo: TODAY IS FRIDAY THE 17TH!!! (Runs out of bar screaming)

~Half an hour later~

Nemo: (Bursts into the bar) I'M BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...

Frieza: ...And?

Nemo: And I have all of your presents! Today is a holiday after all.

Sub: Actually, Christmas isn't for another week.

Goku: And a day.

(Goku discinerates)

Sub: Well ain't that some @#$%.

Frieza: ...

Sub: What!

Frieza: What do you mean wh- ... Oh nevermind. It's not like it matters anyway. (Turns to Nemo) So what holiday is today exactly? And you better not say Christmas.

Nemo: Oh, come one Frieza. I know it's not Christmas. What do you think I am, stupid?

Frieza: If you only knew.

Nemo: I'll take that as a "sorta maybe." Anyway, today is Used Console Day, of course! So to celebrate I got you all a used console!

Ace: Wow. That's actually...kinda nice.

Nemo: Why thank you. Here's yours, since you've been so nice. (Glares at Frieza) Don't think I don't know what you're plotting! (Hands wrapped box to Ace)

Ace: Alright, I wonder what this could be.

(Unwraps a Sega Saturn)

Ace: WHAT?! What the hell is this?! What would make you think I wanted a !@#$ing Saturn?!

Frieza: HEY! What have I said about using that kind of language!

Ace: <sigh> Sorry. What would make you think I wanted this !@#$ing thing.

Frieza: Thank you.

(Feverishly searching around the bar)

Nemo: Are you looking for that pink limo?

Frieza: What pink limo?

Nemo: I never said pink limo. There was never a pink limo! Stop looking at me!

Frieza: ...this is the first Christmas since we formed that Santa wasn't bound and gaged, but he didn't even leave us coal! I mean, sure, I'd be afraid to come within miles of this place if I were him, but I thought he was bound by some kind of law to give everyone something.

Magnus: I don't think Santa visits commercial establishments.

Frieza: Oh, come on. I've hardly left this place in the last 3 years. Vegeta spends more time here than at home. Between the lot of us, this HAS to be considered a residence.

Magnus: Maybe he made up a list below naughty just for you.

Frieza: (sigh) I suppose. Too bad. We really could've used that coal for heat.

(Walks outside. Finds gargantuan chunk of coal obstructing road)

Frieza: Ah...well then, that's...kind of flattering, actually. I'll have to thank him next year.

(Sets coal on fire. Roasts beer and small animals)

Frieza: And there we have it. Our first Christmas without Solar, Ace, or Sub. The hole in the ozone layer created by this coal will be its monument. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

[Other Holidays]

(Up on the roof)

Frieza: Ok guys, we promised each other we wouldn't go overboard with this.

Vegeta: Look who's talking.

Frieza: Look, just keep it below 5000 and it'll be fine.

Goku: Are you guys sure this is legal?

Vegeta: Sure. As long as Frieza doesn't go overboard again.

Frieza: IT WAS 5 BLOCKS 2 MONTHS AGO! LET IT GO!

Vegeta: I'm just saying...

Trunks: Come on guys, let's get started already.

(Ace and Sub come up)

Ace: Hey, what's going on?

Frieza: Independence day celebration.

Sub: But aren't we in Japan?

Frieza: I have no idea.

Ace: Maybe they'll consider adding it as a holiday after what Frieza did last year.

Frieza: So I don't know my own strength. Big deal.

Vegeta: It was definatly a big deal last year.

Frieza: Shut up and get ready. Aim for that commercial jet.

Goku: Frieza!

Frieza: Oh fine! We'll aim for that cloud.

(Vegeta blasts Goku)

Goku: Ah! Hey!

Vegeta: Oops. I thought he said aim for the clown.

Frieza: Hey, that's not such a bad idea.

Sub: Will you guys just start the ****ing show already?!

Frieza: Alright then, here goes!

(Fires huge deathball into sky)

Goku: Ka-Me-Ha-Me-HA!!!

Vegeta: BIG BANG!!!

Trunks: RANDOM BATTLE CRY!!!

(Attacks collide on deathball. Atmosphere dispels. City vaporizes. Apocalypse.)

Vegeta: (sigh) Get the dragonballs.

(Magnus X Zero) *fires blue flame from hands*

Happy 4th of July all.

Nemo: Guys, I've got a St. Patrick's day surprise for you!

(A leprechaun dances across the counter and steals a beer)

Frieza: Heh. Cute.

Nemo: That's not the surprise.

(Kills leprechaun with pistol)

Nemo: Come outside.

(The gang steps outside to behold a green sky)

Trunks: Woah!

Nemo: Kinda gets the place into the spirit, huh?

Ace: Man, how'd you do it? Are there some kind of light projectors positioned around the city?

Nemo: No, I tried that, but I couldn't get a very convincing shade of green.

Trunks: Is it a transparent green film draped over the city?

Nemo: No, too expensive.

Frieza: You didn't blast the city into some parallel dimension again, did you?

Nemo: Nah, too lazy. I just filled the atmosphere with chlorine gas.

(Pause)

Frieza: Nemo, chlorine is toxic.

Nemo: Toxic? The Britney Spears album?

Frieza: Toxic, the thing that KILLS YOU!

(Points to people coughing up lungs)

Nemo: Huh. I thought there was an unusual about of asphyxiation going around today.

Frieza: I'll get the dragonballs...

Sub: I'll vent all our anger for us!

(Sub forces a drum of the green 'Sub's Seizure ****' down Nemo's throat)

Sub: Happy St. Patrick's day!

(Walks in painted green)

Frieza: 'tis St. Pattie's day me laddies! Und you know what that means, don't ya?

GM: Green beer?

Sub: Fried leprechaun?

Nemo: Kilts?

Frieza: Aye, but that's been sort of a daily thing lately.

(Points to leprechaun army adorned in Braveheart battlements waging war against basement demons, each trying to lay claim to a glowing green barrel labeled "Seizure ****")

Frieza: Thar be only one way to rightly celebrate this saintly holiday. Dance contest!

(Stage emerges from the back wall)

Frieza: Whosoever dances the fanciest jig shall be the ruler of all the northern isles!

(Puts on 18th century Irish clogs and river dances with green penguins from Nemo's dreamworld)

(Walks in without any of his normal clothes on and sits at the bar.)

Nemo: Laundry day?

Ace: No.

Nemo: Lost your shirt in a poker game?

Ace: No.

Nemo: Hyperactive moths?

Ace: (Gritting teeth) No.

Nemo: Are you a nudist like all the other mobians now?

Ace: (Eye twitching) No God-dangit! I'm in freakin' costume, MAN!!!

Nemo: -_-' As what?

Ace: AAAARRRGGGHHH!!! (Beats on Nemos head with a thick champagne bottle) Freakin' 'BONK!' Knuckles! 'BONK!' You 'BONK!' ignorant 'BONK!' ***!!! 'KRESH!' {in case you didn't know the sond that glass makes whern it breaks}

Early Halloween humor people.

Vegeta: (puts on rubber nose) I'm Kakarot!

Frieza: (puts on ape-man mask) Me too!

Nemo: (wallows in butter and flour, then sits in an oven) I'm a pie!

Solar: (slaps 'INSANE' sticker on forhead) I'm this bar!

Trunks: (puts on ski mask) I'm robbing a convenience store!

(Runs out door)

Frieza: A happy Easter to all. To commemorate the holy events of this day, Goku will now die and rise from the dead.

Goku: What?!

(Goku dies)

Frieza: We set it up last night with a slow acting poison.

Trunks: Should I get the dragonballs?

Frieza: No, that won't do. There were no dragonballs involved in the Easter resurrection...to our knowledge, anyway.

Trunks: So how's he gonna rise?

(Lights Goku)

Frieza: There. Watch the smoke rise from the dead man.

Trunks: ...that's not funny. It isn't even an accurate pun.

Frieza: Alright, fine! So I couldn't make a joke out of the holiest day of the Christian year!

Trunks: Does that mean I can get the dragonballs now? Before he melts into the floor?

Frieza: No, don't bother. NEMO!

(Explodes out of a light bulb)

Nemo: Yes?

Frieza: Revive Goku...and everyone under the fridge. That's out celebration.

Nemo: What? That's it? Aren't we going to have some kind of twisted egg hunt or killer mutant chocolate peeps or hijack the Easter Bunny's sleigh and go on a sugar rampage with an army of chocolate bunnies of cosmic proportions through the milky way because we'll need milk after all that chocolate if we're going to make a speech to the congregation of magic hens to go on strike and demand the annexation of the Easter patronage to-

(Frieza presumably kills Nemo)

Frieza: Yes Trunks, you may get the dragonballs now.

[Chinese Restaurant]

We should open up a Chinese restaurant across the street. We could call it Wangz.

A resteraunt might be an entertaining idea...

Frieza: Then it's decided. We'll mimic the Simpsons and call it Uncle Vegeta's Family Style Cuisine. Or just That Place Across the Street. We'll need cooks and waiters. And Goten, to clean the new toilets.

Goku: Can I help?

Frieza: Or course! You have the most important job of all.

Goku: Wow, really?

Frieza: You bet. Since not even stray cats can survive in the alley around here and we're too lazy to go pick up regular food with Bulma's card, some part of you is going to have to be included in every dish.

Goku: Aw. Why does everything I do have to involve excruciating pain?

Frieza: It just goes with the territory.

Goku: What territory is that?

Frieza: Being you.

(Galactic Magi)We should open up a Chinese restaurant across the street. We could call it Wangz.

A restaurant would be a great idea! But put the prices on the bills in a very obscure numerical system. The customer can figure out exchange rates and tips.

(Magnus X Zero) Do we even charge here anymore?

Frieza: We would if we had customers.

Vegeta: Excellent...But I'm not singing any birthday songs unless im heavly drunk.

(Im Not NEG) Cameraman:Do we er..count as customers?

NEG:Shush you, we have no money.

Mistic Meg:Then what did you discuss with the bank manager yesterday?

NEG:Oh the usual, a loan. Payable back whenever I want. Not that he'd complain.

Cameraman:Why?

NEG:I treatened caging him with Andross for a whole day.

Mistic Meg:Good lord man, that cage is full enough already!

NEG:Uh..anyhow, what's on the menu boys?

Another idea for a restaurant name: The Roadkill Cafe. All we'd have to do is run Goku over with a van and we'd be set.

(Walks outside)

(Notices that the building across the street is a burnt out warehouse)

Frieza: Hm...this may require some creativity.

Nemo: (popping out of manhole, causing car to swerve and explode) I'll help!

Frieza: No need Nemo, it's just a simple matter of telekinetically rearranging the atomic structure of the building materials and reshaping it into-

(Nemo steals Frieza's lighter)

Frieza: Hey! I just got that refilled yesterday after burning down those three Sega compounds!

(Nemo stops in front of the warehouse and examines the lighter. Nemo applies the lighter to the building backwards. The warehouse unburns down and is now a restaurant)

Frieza: (ripping off Nemo's hand to retrieve lighter) I'll never get tired of that whirly sensation in the back of my head when you do these things.

(Throws himself on grill in new restaurant)

Nemo: I'm the special!

Frieza: I would have left out the "the," but sure.

(Galactic Magi) *pulls Nemo off the grill*

Hey, none of that! Now we have to duel West Side Story style! *slaps nemo accross the face with a glove*

Who will be the judge?

(Snaps fingers and dances around like a jackass)

(Galactic Magi) *pulls out a switch blade and twirls towards Nemo*
Pow! Insert random onomatopoeia here!
*attempts to stab*

(Feigns [sp?] dramatic dodge motion and skips to his lou around GM)

Har har!

(Magnus X Zero) *trips captnemo*

Heh heh.

(Dramatically flies through the air, lands softly on the ground, and somersaults back onto feet)

(Galactic Magi) *qeues chorus and snaps*

*grabs Magnus and throws him at Nemo*
Do not interfere with the eloquence that is West Side Fighting!

(Magnus X Zero) *throws Nemo while in midair and gracefully lands on feet*

Frieza: I don't get it. When do we start blowing things up?

In the THIRD ACT! HAVE SOME BLOODY PATIENCE! AND PUT ON YOUR DAMN COSTUME! Fabio here will escort you to your dressing room.

(Galactic Magi) *twirls around lightpost and clicks heels in Nemo's face*
Take that!

(Magnus X Zero) *dramatic slide to pirouette*

OH SNAPS I broke a nail...

(Magnus X Zero) Let's get Fabio over here...

Frieza: All right, enough horseplay.

Nemo: But we haven't even brought the horses out yet.

(Turns Nemo into dead)

Frieza: Now then, let's assign jobs. Like we did when the bar first opened and then forgot about completely. GM, you and Nemo are waiters. That should be fun. Vegeta, you're the greeter and cashier. Try to remain pleasantly drunk, but not so hammered that you let people go without paying. Trunks and I will handle the cooking. If Ace and Sub ever get back, they can join us.

Trunks: You realize that this is all just a new way for us to get drunk at work and mutilate Goku. It's not like we're actually going to get any customers.

Frieza: Oh, I wouldn't be so sure about that.

(Installs destination portal in doorway)

(Fly to high-class restaurant and installs portal in doorway)

(Confused customers begin materializing in doorway)

Vegeta: Welcome to Uncle Vegeta's Chinese roadkill, or whatever the hell we decided to call this place. Have a seat and our waiters will be with you shortly.

(Dead turns into Nemo)

Nemo: Our special tonight is the menu.

Trunks: You mean our special is on the menu.

Nemo: No, I mean our menu is the special. I couldn't find anything to write with, so I wrote the word Goku on napkins with cheesewiz. That comes with a side of salt packets and a McDonalds wrapper.

Frieza: You know Nemo, I think the only thing that keeps me sane around you is knowing that if I tried, I could really kill you.

(Magnus X Zero) Then we would have a decent bar fight.

Or a quirky one at least.

And, uh, was the last thing you had me saying in that bit supposed to make sense?

Yes. It was saying that the menu itself was edible and that it's the special.

(Galactic Magi) Hm? Waiter? Er.....yeah I've kind of just been drinking and watching Nemo dance around for the past five days. After I clicked my heels in Nemo's face I just was like, "Screw this, I'm not getting paid enough." Yeah, maybe I should have said something about me not West Side fighting anymore a few days ago... So I hope you had fun just being a random fruity dancer Nemo! ^_^

Um....Yeah I'll get to work now.

(Bursts out of bathroom with towel wrapped around head)

Nemo: CHAOS!!!

(Runs over to bar and knocks a bottle off the counter which falls to the floor and breaks)

Nemo: CHAOS!!!

(Suffocates)

(Magnus X Zero) *resuscitates Nemo*

(Drinks nitroglycerin)

(Frieza lays backwards in a chair, lethargically watching the dying insanity)

(Vegeta rants drunkenly at the register, then vomits in it)

(GM chases Nemo with potatoes)

(Muffled screams and clanging sounds echo from the kitchen/bathroom)

(Most customers wander around outside lost and confused, while some look around trying to figure out whether they've been abducted by aliens or crazy people have hijacked their restaurant. A disturbed man named Jimbob orders a cheeseburger from everything that moves)

Frieza: Who was watching the bar again?

(The wall facing the bar explodes)

Frieza: Right. Proximity bombs.

(Galactic Magi) *builds a coin-operated submarine*

*builds a soul-operated bakery*

(Walks in leading tour group)

Frieza: And here we have the world's only coin-operated submarine. Its purpose remains a mystery even to this day, five minutes after its construction, as does how it fits inside the building. And over here we have the intangible wonder, the Soul-operated bakery. This is the first time I've noticed it here, but I presume it was constructed by Majin Buu and brought here by one of our patrons. Those of you unable to pay for the tour may find yourselves made into some kind of pastry shortly. Any questions so far? Yes, you in the back.

Guy: So, are we still in the Chinese Restaurant, or is the the bar now?

Frieza: Where are you? Yes, that's a very intelligent question. All questions will be answered in that room labeled Sub's Spinecrackular Sentrifuge, where you'll be separated from your money and valuables and ejected through the roof. We hope you've enjoyed our tour.

(Tour group subserviently marches into death room. Frieza sits down and pours a glass of wine)

Trunks: A tour group?

Frieza: Either we steal more money, blackmail more officials, or kill more people. Those are our options.

Goku: What about honest work?

Vegeta: What have I told you about that kind of language in my bar, Kakarot!?

Goku: Really! With our powers we could be rich in no time!

Frieza: Shut your monkey hole before we turn you into a banana cream pie.

Nemo: βανανα π

[How the SPA Stole Christmas 05]

(At the Metro City orphanage)

Frieza: I can’t believe we’re doing this.

Vegeta: I already told you, it’s community service.

Frieza: I meant that I can’t believe any sane judicial body let you in here, let alone forced you to volunteer.

Trunks: I wouldn’t exactly call them sane. They tried to arrest us.

(Gang enters orphanage and is met with a yelling group of undisciplined orphans)

Frieza: So…how shall we go about this?

Vegeta: I’m gonna get drunk and forget I’m here. You guys can deal with the kids if you want.

Frieza: You dragged us here to do all the work for you?

Vegeta: No, I dragged you here to make sure the cops don’t find me passed out.

Frieza: I guess that’s better than making them clean toilets all day.

Ace: No sweat guys. We’ll break the little monsters into groups to make ‘em easier to handle.

(Ace’s group)

Ace: Alright, what do you kids feel like doing, MAN?

Kid: Tell us a story!

Ace: Story time, huh? I know just the guy.

(Shiro appears)

Shiro: Damnit, can’t you even give me Christmas off?!

Ace: Quit *****in’ and tell these kids a story.

(Condensing stare)

Shiro: …you owe me for this.

(Turns to kids)

Shiro: Ok you brats, pay attention. Once upon a time in a magical land called Hell there was a monster called a faceater.

(5 minutes later)

Shiro: And that’s where dreams come from. The end.

(Huddled children back away in fear)

(Nemo’s group)

Kid: Were you sent by Santa?

Nemo: I came here from the place where Santa was.

Excited Kid: Wow! What’s he like?

Nemo: Well, all the times I’ve seen him he’s usually covered in red with lots of bloated parts on his body. And I think his face glows from that time with Sub.

Angry Kid: Santa’s not real! He didn’t bring us anything this year; not even coal!

Nemo: Well, he was tied up last night under heavy guard. Maybe he didn’t have time.

Excited Kid: Could you ask him to come today?

Nemo: Ok.

(Bloody, discolored, bound, and gagged Santa appears in his torture chair)

Nemo: Hey Santa, do you think you could come by here today to give these kids presents?

Santa: (gagged pleas for help)

(Kids scream in horror)

Nemo: Are you sure? Ok.

(Santa disappears)

Nemo: Sorry guys, looks like he’s still kinda busy.

(Frieza’s group)

Frieza: So…what do the convicts assigned to play with you on Christmas usually do?

Kid: Get drunk in the corner.

Frieza: Yes, Metro City’s law enforcement never was too well organized. Well pay attention then, because I’m going to teach you dejected, socially outcast children how to use ki so you’ll have something to do on such days. I see no danger in that.

(5 minutes later)

(Vegeta crawls out of rubble)

Vegeta: Huh? Did the bar collapse again?

Trunks: No dad, this is still the orphanage.

Vegeta: Oh, good. I hate asking Bulma for another one.

Ace: Yet another fine Christmas of emotionally scarring children.

Frieza: It’s not quite over yet.

(7 dragonballs rise out of the ground. The eternal dragon appears)

Dragon: What is your wish?

Nemo: Ooh! It’s Santa dragon! I want a-

(Nemo’s head implodes)

Frieza: Send all of these children to families who will adopt them so they can get out of this dead city and we’ll never be asked to take care of them again.

Dragon: It shall be done.

(Kids and dragon disappear)

Frieza: There. Orphans saved. Now nobody can say this wasn’t a Christmas adventure.

(Broadcasts of stupid television shows on primetime and radio signals are cut into by a strange sound. Static and noise come through the speakers of many recieving devices until they finally die down into someone's scratchy voice.)

"Hello," he says a bit annoyed. "This thing is on right?"

Plink! Plink!

The camera finally focuses on the nose hairs of a stocky saiyan with black hair. He looks at the lens with his right eye and then backs off, satisfied that the stupid device works.

"I told you we shouldn't have killed the cameraman," someone outside of the picture said.

The saiyan bristles and turns to where the voice came from. "Shut up!" He then turns toward the camera again, giving the watching world a smug smirk. "Ladies and gentlemen of the Earth. Be afraid."

The camera pans quickly to the left and past the target before settling onto a fat man in a red suit with a black eye. He sits in a solid oak chair that looks as much like a throne as it does a prop from a torture chamber.

"This is Santa Claus, the patron saint of your so called holiday of peace and brotherhood; Christmas." He calmly walked over to the man and stood beside his chair. "He is also the source of much greed and strife and insanity induced by you humans and your sickening gift giving habits. Especially the giving of gifts to those not deserving anything." He looked at the nervous bearded man in the chair and sneered. "The weak are undeserving of gifts this holiday season, so nobody but members of the SPA and select others are going to get presents from dear old Saint Nick this year."

"Here, here," some boistrous voice from off screen said. "I'll finally get that pogo stick."

The saiyan sighed. "Stop thinking so small, Nemo. Wish for something you couldn't imagine getting for Christmas. Like--"

Clop! Clop!

The chair jumped twice as the old saint tried to jump up and run for his life, but something kept his fat ass glued to the throne. All he could do was comically move in place while rocking the chair.

The saiyan stepped back. "That's a shame Santa. You don't want to cooperate? Ace, Frieza. You and my son picked him up. Show him what happens when he doesn't go along with the show."

The camera went static ridden for a moment as a small line of light shot into Santa's left knee. After a gunshot, a bloody hole seemed to open in his shoulder. The old man groaned in pain, but couldn't move an inch. Slowly, the bullet inched its way out of his skin and the burn on his knee from the beam started to fade slowly away.

"I assure you that we'll do a lot worse if someone tries to save him us. Guns and death beams are only the tip of the iceberg. So sit down, cry, and despair as we open the presents of every child watching and then destroy them. It'll be a merry merry christmas for us this year."

As a Jewish person raised in a location more than predominately Christan, this is something I've always wanted to do. So many psychotic christmas shoppers.

Thank you for making my holiday wishes come true! ^_^ Let the SPA reign supreme!

Frieza: Ah, that's right. This is Magi's first time. Well there may only be 5 days left until Christmas, but that should be enough time for him to live out his holiday fantasies. We'll just have to make it more intense.

Santa: (muffled noises of despair)

Frieza: Oh, quit whining. We let you off last year, and the year before that we didn't even torture you! Your philanthropic enterprise even went through thanks to that kitsune girl. I assume it did, anyway; I didn't get anything.

Ace: Yeah, MAN! You should be thankful that we let you go at all after what you've done.

Santa: (muffled question)

Trunks: What you've done?!

(Kicks Santa in the groin)

Vegeta: You may have started out giving humble gifts that brightened lives those thousand years ago, but now all you do is feed the dependence of those who grow soft on your bounty. You made this planet fat!

(Punches Santa)

Frieza: You promote greed and materialism! Those materials are mine!

(Blast's Santa's face with energy ball)

Ace: You've still got us on that backward-ass naughty list!

(Stabs Santa's eye with cattle prod)

Trunks: You raise energy prices by depleting the world's coal supply!

(Shoves sword down Santa's throat)

Chibi Trunks: You put thousands of toy stores out of business!

(Kicks Santa in shin)

Vegeta: Boy, who said you could stop cleaning toilet?

Chibi Trunks: Mom.

Vegeta: That's a damn lie and you know it. Tonight's your mother's Bridge game.

Bulma: Vegeta!

(Vegata dives under a table)

Bulma: What were you thinking?!

Vegeta: That you had Bridge tonight.

Bulma: I did. Until the United Nations peace force destroyed our house looking for you!

Vegeta: What?! I thought we had a treaty!

Bulma: Well apparently there was something in the fine print about kidnapping the most famous person on the planet!

Trunks: Don't worry Mom, Santa will give us a new house. Won't you Santa?

Santa: (spaceship noises)

Trunks: ...um...

(Santa's belly explodes like a bowl full of organs. Nemo emerges)

Nemo: There's no presents in here!

Ace: His cloth sack, Nemo, not his digestive sack.

Frieza: Ah, it's too bad Sub isn't here to enjoy this.

Santa: (muffled hooray)

Frieza: But don't worry, I've invited the Grinch again to fill in for him.

Santa: (depressed hohoho-like sounds)

(Tabcef) A familiar group of customers to the bar bursts open through the windows.
Bullets.

A large spray of 9mm bullets come blowing through the door,
along with another familiar face, diving through the slightly bullet-ridden window with the bar logo painted on it. Bottles and the like break all over the bar, leaving a mess of glass behind the bar counter.

Diving behind the futon-like object near the entrance, Tabcef reloaded his dual 9mm pistols.

He shouts sarcastically, "Tis the season to be giving!", as he fires off another clip before ducking back behind the futon.

Bulma's screams of concurrent anger and fear threatened to drown out the hail of bullets smashing bottles and splintering cheap tables. It was so annoying that Tabcef could hardly concentrate enough to notice that an unusual number of his shots were funneling into Santa Clause.

Frieza: Ah, Tab, so good of you to stop by. Your rescue attempt was cut short last time. Maybe this year it'll last long enough for you to see Santa cough up his intestines.

1/1/2006

The following outburst was brought to you in part by last night's 12 oz. Mouse marathon.
---
Tab ignites another hail of lead at his enemies, carefully misfiring one shot at a pool of liquor trickling from behind the counter. The bottles on the back wall exploded in a wave, filling the room with burning clouds of wasted booze. Using this as a cover, the fox rushes out and quickly claps his hands

“BURNING SEAR!!!”

Most of the SPA was caught off guard and shielded themselves in expectation, but Ace remembered the attack and had time to jump out of the forming hexagon and bombard the interloper with spiked punches. His concentration was broken, saving the mercenaries from the full power of the attack. Tab prepared to regroup, but the warriors paused at the single “Ho ho ho” that echoed across the city with startlingly bitter venom and malice.

A 9-reindeer-driven sleigh descended through the front wall, tripping the suicidally obedient beasts into a mangled heap of bloody hooves and antlers. Equally obedient to its momentum, the sleigh ran over the panicking bucks, reached the end of its rope, and flipped back landing upside-down on the choked mass of brown fur. Its lone green rider had flipped out at the last second and now stood on top of the upturned craft. He shook his arms in the air self-importantly and shouted as arcs of green lightning danced from his fingers, sucking all traces of joy from the room.

“Merry Grinchmas!!!” he decreed as flamboyantly as humanly possible while still maintaining an air of sarcastic contempt. An awkward silence followed.

“AWKWARD SILENCE,” Nemo pointed out, thus making the moment sentient and causing it to leave and embark on a journey of self-discovery and debauchery.

The yeti-like creature jumped down with flare, transfixed on the not-so-jolly figure in the giant chair. “I come to meet this Santa one, to teach him of the wrongs he’s done.”

“Later, Mr. Grinch,” Frieza promised the rhyming horror. “We’ve got uninvited company.”

The Grinch threw a quick glance at the assembled fighters and looked questioningly back at Frieza. The emperor subtly gestured at Tabcef. The green muzzle formed a misanthropic grin, began to stroll toward the furry gunslinger with an air dignity, then abruptly broke into an animalistic assault.

Frieza: There. That should keep him occupied. Now we can get back to torturing Santa.

Trunks: Don’t we have to watch out for splash damage?

(Green lightening and bullets fly by and mysteriously gravitate into Santa’s face)

Frieza: Nah. I think we’re covered.

Vegeta: Great. Then we’re all set.

Bulma: (cloths scorched from explosion) Oh no we’re not!

Vegeta: (buries face in hands) Oh right.

Bulma: You guys have to be the stupidest criminals in history. You don’t kidnap the most generous person in the world, not to mention one of the biggest contributors to the global economy, televise your identities, and keep him in the same city 4 years in a row!!!

Frieza: Well, we did take a 1-year break after the third-

Bulma: Whatever! The point is that the whole world wants to kill you and everybody knows where to find you!

Ace: That’s nothing new. Half the people in this city were on NATO’s most wanted list, but there ain’t jack they can do since this world is so weak, MAN.

Bulma: Well they sure weren’t too weak to demolish my house! Now either give Santa back or fix all this with the Dragonballs!

(The miraculously functional phone on the wall rings. Nemo answers it)

Nemo: Hello…yes…maybe…that’d be purple…yes, they’re actually nouns...we’ll take 12…awkward silence…ok. Bye (hangs up).

Vegeta: Who was it?

Nemo: Idunno.

Vegeta: (smacks face) Well what did they say?

Nemo: What did who say?

(Nemo is grinched. Half of the front wall explodes)

Voice on megaphone outside: Attention drunks. This is the United Nations peace force. The following is a message from the United Nations. We the people of Earth have tolerated your drunken misconduct, your piracy, your illegal weapons trading, your terrorism, etc, but we will no longer tolerate the abduction of Santa Claus on Christmas Eve. Surrender peacefully or you will be neutralized.

Frieza: I seem to recall you dropping nukes on us last time and it not working.

Voice: We’re aware of your powers and I assure you that we’ve taken the necessary measures to bring you down. If you surrender and agree to face trial, your lives might be spared.

(The gang responded to this offer by throwing Santa’s right arm out the window. It explodes, knocking back the heavily armored line of soldiers and tanks)

Ace: What do you think they’re planning?

Frieza: They do seem unusually confident. They probably hired some moron who thinks he’s powerful enough to defeat us.

(Goku walks in)

Goku: Hi guys! I’m here to get Santa back.

Vegeta: Kakarot? They hired you to kill us?

Goku: Yeah. First they blew up my house because they thought I was with you, but once I explained that I wasn’t they agreed to pay me for my help.

Vegeta: Great. I haven’t had anything to drink in hours and now I have to deal with you. A fine Christmas this has turned out to be.

Tabcef: Hey, I was handling this! Stay out!

Goku: Actually, they told me to kill you too.

Tabcef: What?! But I’m not with them!

Goku: I Toto dat.

Galactic Magi: (smacks Goku) No.

Trunks: Goku, did you ever stop to think that the government might be lying to you?

Goku: But the government never lies!

Nemo: Read write error.

Grinch: Enough of this talk! To hell with this game! If fight us he will, I’ll put him to shame!

(Grinch launches green lightning at Goku. Goku turns pink)

Grinch: That…wasn’t supposed to happen…

Goku: Yes it was.

Frieza: Hold on. The UN peace force just sent in THAT (indicates neon pink Goku) and expected it to start indiscriminately killing SASBers. I know government officials can be stupid at times, but they’d have to be completely insane to be serious about this.

(Everyone agrees)

Ace: Think he’s just a distraction, MAN?

Frieza: More like the entertainment before the show.

Ace: We need booze.

Frieza: Agreed.

Trunks: But where can we find that?

Frieza: Your mom.

Bulma: Me?

Frieza: Huh? Oh. I forgot you were here. I was talking about…what the hell was I talking about?

Nemo: Probably the same way you uncork champagne.

Frieza: Nemo…wait, did Nemo just make sense?

Tabcef: Hold on, hold on…hold on…hold on…wasn’t that the name of a song?

(Furniture slowly shifts to the corners of the room)

Chibi Trunks: Dad, the toilets are bleeding.

Vegeta: That’s just your imagination, son.

Chibi Trunks: I know, but they keep absorbing the scrub brush.

Vegeta: What?! How dare those porcelain bastards steal my property!

(Blows up wall leading to bathroom. Is greeted by Jupiter)

Vegeta: Hey Jupiter. Have you seen my toilets?

Frieza: Vegeta, you’re talking to a planet.

Ace: Guys, we need BOOZE, MAN!

Galactic Magi: With umbrellas.

Nemo: Then there’s only one logical course of action.

(Inhales)

Nemo: The time this time.

(Wall clock is offended by Nemo’s statement)

Subconscious dream sensation

(The reindeer pile explodes, flying reindeer whiz and circle drunkenly around the gang, knocking over cardboard walls and floor layers. Traffic emerges in hyper cones)

Grinch: Absurdities! Rhythmic pentameter parameter rhyme damn you!

Trunks: Zechs, I think you’ve had enough.

Liger: I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough you (turns into Bush) TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!

Ace: Is it just me, or is there something very wrong here HUE MAN?

Frieza: Well, Nemo’s existence makes more sense than usual. And we’re in some kind of maze of orange cones.

Nemo: Hey guys, this clock is wrong. It supports applying capital gains tax to returns due solely to inflation. And it says it’s tomorrow.

(Clock inhales Nemo)

Grinch: KA-ME-HA-ME-HA!!!

(Nobody is drunk)

Unconscious relaxation

Goku: Guys??syuG

(A mirror containing Santa smashes on Goku)

Sanku: Let the true spirit of Christmas shine through.

(Goes super saint-jin)

Grinch: I have the strength of 10 grinches plus two!

(Goes super insane, acquires television special)

Tabcef: Hippies!

(Flowery meadow consumes non-bar, drifts by)

Bulma: Ninjas!

(Japan is a chakra, shreds the passing meadow)

Trunks: Can’t sleep…clown’ll eat me.

(Clown eats Japan)

Vegeta: (penguins) Uh, guys, what were we doing?

Nemo’s arms: I don’t know, but the clock looks pretty angry.

(Clock flails its hands, chops salami, is struck by lightning made of ducks)

Guitar: What a pleasant nightmare
And I can’t wait to get there again

Every time I close my eyes
There’s another vivid surprise
Another whole life waiting
Chapters unfinished, fading

Closer now - Slowly coming into view
I’ve arrived - Blinding sunshine beaming through

(The fog of insanity parts momentarily to solid white that struggles to remain solid)

Ace: What do you see Spades? I can’t fight this much longer!

Spades: It’s a beam of concentrated random insanity coupled with temporal distortion coming from an orbital weapons platform.

Ace: Knock it out!

Spades: It’s balancing you in a dangerous position. If I disrupt it, you might get erased or killed or cleaning.

Ace: You’re breaking up! What do we do?!

Spades: We need booze!

Ace: Play it again. The message turned into insanity.

Spades: Get drunk! The less attached to reality you are, the less affected your thoughts will be. Then you can get yourselves out.

(The gang looks around, sees nothing but white)

Ace: But forsooth, we’ve no liquor!

Spades: (sigh). I’ll see what I can do. Honestly, you need to stop command prompt circle square roll back circle.

(The light collapses, is replaced by leprechauns)

Leprechaun: Hidi hi, now ye die!

Frieza: The beer that saved Christmas?

(The beer that saved Christmas floats by and explodes in a wave of solid alcohol. The SPA drinks)

Vegeta: Ah, that’s better. Now how the hell do we get out of here?

Galactic Magi: Nemo, you’ve been wandering around pretty freely. Have you found anything?

Nemo: I think this clock knows something, but it just keeps spinning.

Frieza: Out with it clock! Who is the king of tinsel town?!

(Grows Christmas lights)

Ace: Poor bastard. Blessed and cursed with body chemistry immune to alcohol.

Grinch: Free us at once! I came here to torment Claus, not to babble like an idiot.

Goku: Blahblahblahblahblahblah-

(Vegeta shoves Goku into a piranha)

Nemo: Guys! It’s New Years Eve! Do you know what that means?!

Trunks: Five days already?! We’ve gotta hurry and-

Nemo: No, I mean it’s been exactly one year today since Sub was last here!

(Even the insanity stops to look at Nemo)

Insanity: Well now, you’re the last person I would’ve expected to be thinking about Sub.

Ace: What’s your point?

Nemo: Maybe if we clap our hands and believe really loud, he’ll appear and murder someone!

(Nemo and the clock clap and believe)

Ace: I got a better idea.

Ace thrashes his Redstreak axe, singing words of order and freedom. The vibrating strings ignite in white fire whose radiance parts the ever-changing dreamscape of random insanity. The bubble of distorted reality containing the bar adopts a more tangible boundary as the minds of the SPA ascend to the point of being able to perceive it. With an electric cadence, the spellsinger’s din finally opens a door in the ether. They grab the less oriented of their group, leaving Goku to die, and run through the waning gateway to the streets outside the bar. The last out, Ace emerges just in time to hear the Saiya-jin prince decree their tormentor’s destruction.

“FINAL FLASH!!!”

Ki erupted from converging hands, disappearing in the morning sky, eviscerating a secret weapons platform and 17 other satellites. The anomaly enveloping the bar vanished. Nothing remained but a crater and a dizzy Saiya-jin.

“Agh, my head,” complained the lavender headed one. “Where did the UN get that kind of weapon anyway?”

“Most likely bought it from a dimension traveler. Or had it donated. We’re not exactly sparse on enemies,” Frieza assessed.

“Did they rescue the fat guy,” Magi asked.

“Nope, got him right here,” Ace patted the unconscious mound of blubber. “Guess they couldn’t think of a way to get him out without freeing us. Pretty desperate move.”

The alcoholics collected their thoughts as the sun dawned on them. “Some Christmas,” Frieza mused. “And New Year too? Or did we go all the way to spring?”

“We made it,” Nemo informed him, staring melancholic into a broken wall clock. “Happy New Year.”

It occurred to the SPA that they could actually see the horizon. Buildings for miles lay flat where before they were only dilapidated. More peculiar, mounds upon mounds of shrapnel from UN military vehicles covered the ground. Body parts and shredded uniforms speckled the macabre potpourri. Mounds of it protruded from deep craters collapsed into the sewer system. The pavement was covered with several inches of dust and dirt.

“What the hell happened here,” Tabcef pondered the carnage.

“I guess you guys still have a few friends after all,” Bulma smiled at the horror, more serene than they had ever seen her.

Frieza regarded the idea carelessly. “It could’ve been anyone. There’re plenty of people who hate Santa. Everyone knew we were here, and this wasn’t a particularly strong army. Hell, it was probably Zarbon.”

Nemo’s piercing enthusiasm shattered Frieza’s apathy with one word. “Look!”

He pointed at the ground a few feet in front of them. There was a small clearing in the rubble, a place where the earth was still level. In it sat a single unopened green bottle encrusted in days old blood with a red bow around its neck.

They all stared at it for a few moments. Santa was the first to leave, breaking into a run. Nobody bothered following him. His one special night was already ruined. Finding a way back north without his sleigh would be torture enough. Tab and the Grinch departed without a word. There was nothing left to say.

Frieza looked away from the emerald gift and smiled at the sun. “I think I’ll start the new year with a little walk. I’ll see you guys tomorrow,” he said and began to hop slowly from one peak of wreckage to another.

Ace turned the other way. “I’ve got some places to go. Later.” He began to leave, turned to remind their leader. “Don’t forget, put the bar in another part of town when you get around to rebuilding it. Don’t worry about where. We’ll find ya,” and he was gone.

Vegeta and Trunks were fixed on the beer.

“Rock, paper, scissors!”

“Ha,” Vegeta triumphed. “Score!”

“Oh no you don’t.” Bulma grabbed him by the ear as he bent down to claim his prize. “You two are coming home. We may be late for the holidays, but we’re going to make up for it with a BIG New Year’s celebration. Come on!”

Nobody knows what Galactic Magi did. Nobody ever knows what he does. He never tells anybody. Maybe he went back to space to continue his magi…ing.

While everyone else was looking at the beer, Nemo had turned his clock into colorful squares of confetti and thrown it into another dimension. Once everyone was gone, he approached the festive bottle wearing his usual oblivious smile. He picked it up and held it almost against his nose. “And a happy New Year,” he affectionately replied to its unspoken wish.

With a quick spin and a cheerful noise, he tossed it into the air. It spun a few times before popping like a bubble into mist. As he departed for wherever he was going, every cloud for miles open up in a golden shower of innocuous nectar. For no reason. And that’s the story of the SPA’s fifth holiday season.

[How the SPA Stole Christmas 06]

And as we near the final hours of November...

(Breaks out bottles of Grinch Nog, flaming pine tree unearths near newly installed chimney)

Frieza: The holidays draw near. Will our patrons of old return for a visit? Time will tell, but in any case we'll need a proper reception. That means beer, cigars, beer, a full buffet, beer, gold and gem encrusted decorations, beer, Sub's torture room going at full blast, beer, and non-beer related poisons.

(Master Espeon) And beer. Don't forget beer.

I'll get Beer Sphere production working twofold. My scientists will work on it.

...no, I got new scientists.

I have the blueprints for Santa's workshop. Including the "hidden" panic room.

Hehehehehehe...

Hehehehehehehehehehe!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!

Frieza strolls over to a window and looks into the rippling winter sky. The horrors of Christmas past revisit him; the blood, the booze, the battle, and the screams of a tortured old philanthropist of questionable saintliness drifted through his mind like the fragmented clouds in the icy sky. Ace saw the grin slowly bridge his facade reflected in the glass.

"Excellent work Ace. It's about time we got the celebration underway. We'll mobilize immediately. However," he rose one finger, his back still to the group, "do not attack. Don't lay a hand on any of them." The contrast of the pacifistic words and the sinister chuckle that followed reverberated like an omen of death through the bar. The old tyrant had something particularly foul in the bowels of his imagination.

"Bring your Redstreak. I have something far more...entertaining in mind."

A far warmer, more lively winter sky shimmered in the perpetual night that consumes the North Pole at this time of year. Heavenly auroras blessed the land with waves of majestic radiance. These divine clouds, the meeting of the sun’s gift with the Earth’s fertility, overshadowed the ancient dwelling of the powerful magic that had forgotten its origin. Industry bustled below, a well oiled mechanism of the most massive of mass production, fueled by arcane forces and the constant cheer of its workers. Beasts both wild and domesticated pranced about the complex, in love with life and oblivious to all but the tremendous spirit of peace and good will that saturated the land. Global warming and ozone deterioration had reshaped the once ferocious maul of cold into a tolerable bite, much to the delight of the non-magical beings. But beneath the veneer of this enchanted villa lay an anxiety growing by the day.

The assembly line elves merrily went about their tasks with a loving attention no human could long maintain. Genuine joy burst from their every movement. The smells of fresh cookies and peppermint sustained them, while the eternal sound of sweet music kept them focused. But though they were excited that the big day was approaching again at long last, they were also excited for a different reason.

4 of the last 5 Christmases had been belated or completely unsalvageable. This shattering of their formerly perfect record had shaken them all deeply. In each of their minds bubbled the nightmarish images of the otherworldly super beings, of the chaos as their home was demolished and their brethren torn apart around them, of their temporary enslavement as brewers, and of the repeated kidnapping and torture of their beloved master. The apprehension was noticeable, but the dedicated employees continued their work.

On the candy cane catwalk above, a red robed figure surveyed the project. His was a fierce and commanding aspect. Sharp, seasoned eyes watched the toys he would deliver to the virtuous children. His once jolly belly had been trimmed several sizes and the folds of his sleeves concealed new muscle definition. An aura of holiday magic wrapped his form and at his side hung a heavy sword, the Courier’s Oath. It was not the Santa the world had come to know, but fate had made necessary this dispensing with innocence. Oh, Christmas had been threatened before, but the scrooges and grinches of the past had been conquered with some love and a little Christmas magic. These beings, these monsters, could not be reasoned with, nor their black hearts spoken to. Only war could break their iron grip on the season. And even that, he knew, was not enough to stop the S.P.A.

The tranquil scene was broken as the music gave way to sirens and flashing red lights. The uneasy calm of the workers was broken and all ran screaming for escape hatches in the walls. An elf dressed in a red militaristic version of the standard suit, a new edition to the uniform, hurried in behind Santa.

“Sir, we’ve detected a breach in the perimeter!”

“How many?”

“Just one, sir.”

“Just one,” Santa questioned, more worried than relieved. “Are you sure?”

“We used the magic radar, sir – we checked it twice. Only one of those naughty things is out on the ice.”

“Hmm,” the patron pondered. “Could it be? They may be planning something, but this means we may yet have a chance.”

“Oh please Nicholas,” a smooth voice answered him from the dark hallway behind them. “How long have you known us? Do you really think it would take more than one of us to subdue you and eviscerate this entire continent?”

The elf-officer ran for cover as the figure of Frieza emerged from the shadows. Santa cursed and jumped up a pipe in the ceiling too small for him to possibly fit through. Frieza chuckled dryly and vanished into the realm of impossible speed.

Santa emerged somewhere underground in a small maze of pitch-black hallways he knew by heart. He traversed them as fast as his enchanted legs would carry him, but all the way he was chased by echoes of laughter coming from all directions.

“Hm hm hm. What’s the matter Nicholas – or was it ‘Kris’? Don’t you want to come spend the holy day with your old friends?”

The fat man ignored the taunts and continued racing to the panic room. He could see the light ahead, with Mrs. Clause and several elves cowering inside. The instant he dove through the portcullis a steel wall descended behind him. Safe, they hoped, but outside their monitoring systems picked the sound of footsteps casually approaching.

Frieza took a moment to mentally survey the door through the darkness. It was ordinary steel with a weak aura of magic around it. It would be like paper to him.

“Really Santa, what is this? Some kind of joke?”

Frieza shoved the door and prepared himself for whatever last line of defense they might have planned. But he was caught off guard when, instead of bending or breaking, the door evaporated at his touch, revealing an intensely glaring Father Christmas with arms outstretched in classic Kame-ha-me-ha position.

The lights came on revealing dozens of elves that had emerged from the walls, trembling in fear but resigned to hold their positions. Each firmly gripped a magical barrier device that projected a force field a foot in front of them, sealing the intruder in on all sides but forward.

“You should never have come here, wretch,” Santa scolded as his terrific aura filled the room. “Your friends may return for me, but I will bring down at least one of you! KRINGLE CANNON FIRE!!!”

Frieza fired a beam of his own to counter the attack, but the spiraling torrent of Christmas energy pushed it aside effortlessly. He was plastered against the barriers behind him, screaming in pain as it tore into his chest. He struggled to move his arms to guard, but Santa would not relent. More and more power poured out as sweat poured down his face. The elves were walking in place, desperately trying to keep Frieza pinned until finally, with a mighty roar from the man in red, all were blasted to the other side of the hallway.

Frieza stood up and calmly dusted himself off. “You call that an attack,” he mocked and held out his hand. “Let me show you what a…” He stopped, eyes wide with confusion.

“…what?”

Santa cackled as he marched forward. “That wasn’t an attack, it was an enchantment.” His eyes sang brightly with victory. “Now you can’t use your ki. And that means…”

Santa dug his fist into the alien’s chest, launching him through ceiling, up three floors, out the roof, and sprawling onto the ice. The prince rolled over, coughing from the internal injuries, and struggled to his feet only to find the blood-robed figure standing before him.

“I can beat you.”

Santa delivered another punch, but Frieza dodged and ran. He knew that even without his ki the former emperor’s body was powerful enough to wipe out an army of lesser warriors, but not, unfortunately, to deal with ancient Santa magic. Covering a mile with each bound, he ran until the saint was out of site and stopped to try to break the enchantment.

A powerful blow knocked him to the ground. He skidded to a stop, dizzy and moaning. The holiday spirit stood over him with disgust.

“Say you’re sorry, and promise never to do mischief again.”

“Never,” his victim coughed.

“Abomination. I have no choice. I will not allow you to continue your reign of terror.” He unsheathed the Courier’s Oath and hefted it with fearsome menace. “I will end your miserable existence!”

An explosion of sword slashes at the edge of what the human eye can perceive tore apart the ice, spraying blood in all directions. Viciously, mercilessly, Santa released all of the anger, hatred, and indignation he’d been scared with. The disappointment of the children, the killing of his reindeer, the enslavement of his elves, and all the inhuman horrors he endured under the savage confinement of the S.P.A. All of these things he took vengeance for and unleashed upon the helpless fiend. At last he sheathed his sword and finishing with a mighty energy blast, leaving nothing but flaming chunks of bloody meat. He turned away, gasping for breath, and began walking back. He threw one last glance at the remains of his tormentor. He turned completely, eyes wide with disbelief.

Two flaming black eyes were the first thing he saw. He stared at them for a while, shaken. He fell to his knees, tears in his eyes. The body had changed.

His gaze moved on to the blackening steel ring, a hat brim, then to the burning corncob pipe and the quickly disappearing strands of a broom, all floating in a steaming puddle. He threw his head back and let out a great, “NOOOOO-HO-HO!”

Santa had murdered the spirit of every child’s hope and imagination. He had murdered Frosty the Snowman.

“Nice work with the illusion, Ace,” Frieza commended just a few yards from the weeping man. "It’s a good thing you knew about that Kringle Cannon. That could’ve been annoying. If he had used better barriers I wouldn’t have been able to switch out.”

“This should be #1 on YouTube by the end of the day,” the echidna mused. “Then we’ll see what the world thinks of the great ‘saint’ Nick, MAN!”

“And it will serve as a good lesson to all those would-be-Santas out there.”

“What’s that,” the spellsinger asked. Frieza turned, a sober look on his face.

“That even saints are sinners.”

[The Saiya-jin Genome Project]

(POLLY_01) Butterfree: *teleports in*

Frieza: Holy Hell, an actual custom?! We haven't had one of those the whole year...so, what was it that we were supposed to do with customers again?

(POLLY_01) Butterfree: I'm here because you've been watched by a girl. Now she is going to change this place forever.

Goku: (Finally.)

*the whole place goes black*

LOADING.....

SonGoku

Race: Saiyan
Board Type: High level
Immortal: Yes
Height: You should know.
Personality: A genius, easily angered, a coward
Appearance: He wears a white shirt and blue jeans. He also wears a brown coat with an attachment that makes it look as if he has wings on his arms.

Goku a.k.a. G.J.L.

Race: Same as Zidane(FF9)
Board Type: n00b
Immortal: Yes
Height: Shorter than SonGoku
Personality: Stupid, perverted, whiny, and is a complete coward.
Appearance: Is like SonGoku, but is skinny and has a tail. He wears an orange shirt and blue jeans. He also sports a yellow backpack.

LOADING COMPLETE

*the place returns to normal*

SonGoku: I'm finally back to my true and immortal self. Looks like I won't be abused anymore.

Goku: *sees Frieza* Dude you're nude.

Frieza: What's this? How dare you storm in here and empower our abuse monkey! Or split him in two, or whatever you did. If we don't have him around to vent our murderous rage it could erupt into a violent killing spree!

Ace: Uh, Friez...

(Ace indicates the pile of bodies on the street corner)

Frieza: ...it could erupt into MORE violent killing sprees! And besides-

(Lights original Goku's hair on fire)

Frieza: He was always immortal. At least he was as far as I was concerned. It really just presents us with the opportunity to abuse him more. Just ask Santa.

(POLLY_01) SonGoku: *puts it out* You can still abuse someone. The one with the tail is my Alt. Twin. He's not a Saiyan.

Goku: I'm a Genome. You can call me G.J.L. if you want.

SonGoku: You can abuse him. But not without my permission!

Frieza: If this girl didn't want you to be hurt then she definitely spawned you in the wrong place.

(POLLY_01) Butterfree: Both of them are cowards.

SonGoku: I have a Gundam.

"And I have a boomstick..."

Blows most of Goku's head off with a full barrel of buckshot. Blood and pieces of the Saiyan's mostly unused brain spill out onto the floor.

Ace holds the gun up to the newcomer's face. "Now... Who's a weakling, MAN!!!?"

"No man is a coward, a weakling, or less than God when he's holding a wep, son. No one. Remember that."

(POLLY_01) SonGoku: Let me show you how. *punches his twin in the face*

Goku: Pain.

Frieza: Yes, yes, saiya-jin abuse. Delightful. Are you people going to order anything or not?

(POLLY_01) Goku: I'm not a Saiyan. I'm a Genome.

SonGoku: G.J.L., I have a present for you.

Goku: You do?

SonGoku: Here you go. *takes out a baseball bat and beats him with it*

Goku: *is being beaten* Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ace: Heh, heh. That's how it's done.

(87 heavily armed men storm the bar and demand popsicles)

(Ace tosses vats of liquid nitrogen at them)

There! Cold enough for ya?!

Frieza: Hey! That nitrogen isn't cheap!

Ace: And?

Frieza: ...you know, you're right.

(Stokes grill with rare Cuban cigars)

Yes. When ya take everything from someone else, money is no object.

(POLLY_01) SonGoku: DIE! *throws a lighted match at the liquid nitrogen covered men*

*BOOM*

SonGoku: BOOM!

(Crystallized men fail to explode)

SonGoku: ...boom?

Frieza: Nitroglycerin is the volatile one, monkey. Liquid nitrogen is the cold one. Like this.

(Spills some Frosty Frieza on SonGoku. Entire bar and surrounding buildings are encased in ice)

(POLLY_01) SonGoku: *breaks out of ice and throws a grenade at the men*

*BOOM*

(Breaks off the monkey kid's tail)

Ace: Chill fool. And enjoy the nitro.

(tosses a 40 ounce jug of nitro at his frozen victim.)

KA-BLAM!!!

Frieza: At long last, the time has come.

(Jumps up on counter with megaphone)

Frieza: All right everyone, it's getting to be that time again. Come on, move out. I think we'll reconvene at the north side of town this time.

(Magnus, Tabcef, NEG, monsters, and various drunken entities hiding in the woodwork find their way out through the many holes in the walls)

Chibi Trunks: (yelling from bathroom) Can I go too?

Frieza: No. I've been waiting for this moment for a long time. I want those toilets clean.

Chibi Trunks: But nobody ever comes in here!

Frieza: Oh, don't worry. I'm expecting us to have a big 'boom' very shortly.

Chibi Trunks: So you're going to blow me up AND make bad jokes about it?

Frieza: Yes. Where's Goku?

Chibi Trunks: That Pokemon changed him into SonGoku and a genome almost a year ago. Remember?

Frieza: Oh right. I forgot to get Ace to bring him back. Well, screwing with the temporal fabric on a moment's notice isn't quite my forte but this just wouldn't be right without him.

(Screws with the temporal fabric using magic and discarded silverware. Goku appears)

Goku: Huh? Hey, where did everybody go? And why am I and a shorter version of myself standing outside?

Frieza: Uh, we're having a surprise costume party for...uh, Vegeta. We're all going to dress up as you and see if he can tell who the real one is, or something. Quick, get under the counter and don't come out until I yell surprise!

(Goku sighs and looks at Frieza with tired eyes)

Goku: Frieza, every time you act like you're my friend you either try to kill me or frame me for armed robbery or burn my family. So whatever you were planning either get it over with or forget about it because I'm tired of being lied to.

Frieza: What? You're still intelligent? Did I make a mistake?

Goku: I don't know what you're talking about Frieza, but just because I can't read or write or safely operate kitchen appliances doesn't mean I can't learn.

(Moment of silence)

Frieza: You know monkey, you've really grown on me these last few years. Not just because I enjoy beating the living daylights out of you, or because watching you try to operate the phone is hilarious, or even because you taste good off the grill and in chili, but because you...actually, I think those are the only reasons. But there might also be something sentimental involved, like determination or hope or love. It's entirely possible.

Goku: Really?

Frieza: Yes Goku, and that's why AMNESIA DUST!!!

(Throws amnesia dust at Goku, he passes out)

Frieza: Hahahahaha! Let's see you learn without your memories, monkey!

(Takes out communicator)

Frieza: Zarbon, is everything ready?

Zarbon: (from ship) The Z-500 demolition gun in charged and awaiting your command, Master Frieza.

Frieza: Excellent. I've been waiting a long time to test this out.

(Pulls out lighter, kisses it, lights Goku, flees bar)

Frieza: Target the flaming monkey and fire!

Zarbon: Target locked, power at full, demolition in T-5, 4, 3, 2, 1, FIRE!

Frieza: Ah, this should be...wait, full power?

Zarbon: Yes sir, to put on a big show when the planet explodes.

Frieza: Not the planet! Just the-hold on.

(Deflects giant beam of death into space)

Frieza: Now do it again on low power.

Zarbon: Sorry sir, recharging now!

(Pause)

Zarbon: ...uh, Master Frieza?

Frieza: Yes Zarbon?

Zarbon: The target is, uh...gone.

(Frieza looks down to see the bar a smoldering crater with NEG standing in front of it. He lands next to him and stares hard at his self-satisfied eyes)

NEG: Old bar's all taken care of, mate. Where's the new one?

Frieza: ...Zarbon?

Zarbon: Yes sir?

Frieza: Fire it anyway.

(5 minutes, 20 demolished city blocks, and a crispier NEG later)

Frieza: Well, thanks to Ace's grand finale the bar didn't quite last a full year but it was more than a worthwhile trade off. We'll cross that milestone soon, I'm sure. But for now, Tab got us a good place so he drinks for free. He never drinks though, so it works out for us.

(Sips antifreeze cocktail)

[Frieza's 500]

Over the years I've thought about what I'd say if I ever found myself in this position, and now that I'm here I'm still clueless. I'd like to thank The Lord, Jesus and Mary, Akira Toriyama, everyone involved in the creation of the Simpsons - especially whoever thought up Duff - CJayC, Yuji Naka, my agent, the director...and all of you, my dear friends, without whom none of this would be possible. Trunks, Ace, Sub, GM, Nemo, Magnus, and especially the noble Tab. Thank you all for your love and support. And now, after all these years...I finally get to say it...500!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Blows up bar)

Everyone gathers around the rubble left from Frieza blowing up the bar amidst a frenzy of emotional accomplishment and emotionless drinking.

Trunks: I think you went a little overboard.

Frieza: What? Nah. This isn't nearly as bad as when Para attacked the whole city.

Trunks: Yes, but wasn't that just repaired via dimensional shifting or...something?

Frieza: Not exactly, see what happened-

Trunks: The point is! We have to actually restore this ourselves.

Frieza: So I'll just do what I did last time.

Trunks: No you won't.

Frieza: Why?

Trunks: Well first of all, Ace already collected the insurance money for-

Frieza: Wait. Wait, wait....wait. We had the Bar insured?

Trunks: I wouldn't say that. We did have an insurance plan that covered the bar though.

...

Trunks: The uh...the previous owner took out insurance. We..."inherited" the plan when we took over.

Frieza: That seems awfully responsible for something we would do.

Trunks: *shrugs* I take solace in the fact that it was illegitimate.

Frieza: Okay so why does the fact that we have the insurance money mean we can't just bend physics to make a new bar.

Trunks: The IRS would be all over us for that. We collect the insurance money, and then the cost of building a new Bar is nothing?

Frieza: Since when has tax fraud stopped us in the past?

Trunks: Believe me, I know. But it's to the point where if we kill one insurance agent they just send two more our way. Imagine what'll happen with this!

Frieza: Again, why would this stop us? Sub's monsters in the basement usually take care of them.

Trunks: Well, you see, it's been an especially bad flu year. A lot of them are under the weather.

Frieza: What about the others?

Trunks: They're, you know, full.

Frieza: Full.

Trunks: It's like I said! We kill one and they just send two more.

Frieza: Good to know our tax money is being well spent. Okay, so you're telling me that those monsters we have in the basement...

Trunks: Yes.

Frieza: ...the ones that eat humans and drink acid...

Trunks: Yes.

Frieza: ...and who have no motivation to live other than to know there is a possibility that in their future they will be able to inflict more pain on the world...

Trunks: Yes.

Frieza: ...have been smitten by the flu?

Trunks: It's been a bad flu year.

Frieza: I see.

...

Frieza: So we have to actually buy a new bar. Okay, that's not a problem. We'll just get Vegeta to skim more of Bulma's money.

Trunks: That's not going to work either.

Frieza: What?

Trunks: They took a second honeymoon.

Frieza: So?

Trunks: They're not really able to be contacted.

Frieza: What! We can just fly there!

Trunks: Uh...

Frieza: ...

Trunks: No I mean they REALLY can't be contacted. They went to a pretty remote locale.

Frieza: Where?

Trunks: Well...that's not really the right question.

Frieza: They...what?

Trunks: They went seventy years in the future. To a moon colony. Even if we were to go forward in time and go there, they're not scheduled to come back for two weeks and there's nothing we could do to change that.

Frieza: And the time machine to come back will only go back seventy years...so they'll get back two weeks from now.

Trunks: Well, a week and a half now.

Frieza: And what happened to the insurance money?

Trunks: You didn't see the limos full of hookers driving by earlier?

Frieza: Oh...right...

...

Nemo: Oh rubble...you are my only friend! No one loves me like you do...

...

Frieza: Yeah...I think I may have gone overboard.

Frieza: Ok, here's the plan. We telekinetically resynthesize this rubble into a new bar - with safety covers on the electric outlets, since Nemo's back - then we bend physics so much that it envelops the bar in a positronic time-distortion sphere, thereby constantly displacing it several seconds into the future and hiding it from all government eyes.

Trunks: Is abusing the fabric of reality your answer for everything? One of these days you're going to break something.

Frieza: Please. What we do here is nothing compared to the insanity that went on in this city back in its golden age. I mean, just the word JENGA-

(Rubble turns into penguins)

Frieza: ...moving along, I guess handling this with bribery has its up sides too. It's not like earning some money will be difficult for us.

(Everyone gasps)

Frieza: I'm sorry. I meant "obtaining" some money.

Trunks: How?

Frieza: We could go through our blackmail list.

Sub: Too late. I did that last month to restock our uranium supply.

Frieza: Ok, how about a kidnapping for ransom?

Trunks: Nobody ever gives in to our demands.

Frieza: Right. But speaking of that, perhaps Santa would be "willing" to give us an advance on our well deserved gifts this year.

GM: I think he's still incarcerated from that time you tricked him into murdering Frosty the Snowman.

Frieza: We could lease Sub's torture room to the military as an offshore interrogation facility.

Sub: They said they generally want their prisoners to survive. Wimps.

Frieza: Rig the lottery?

Trunks: We only have one time machine.

Frieza: Uh...we could sell Nemo to science again.

Nemo: (rolling on floor, being attacked by penguins) Oh, my rock! My rock! Why hath thou forsaken me!?

Trunks: I think they had their fill the first time.

Frieza: China might still be interested.

Trunks: With the Olympics coming up they've been trying to keep a low profile.

Frieza: Alright, fine! We'll rob liquor stores until we have enough money to pretend to erect a business! Happy now?!

Trunks: Wait...don't you own, like, entire galaxies?

Frieza: And? Don't you own a million dollar beach house?

Trunks: ...point taken.

Magnus: Hey guys, this abandoned building across the street is about the right size for a bar! And I think it comes furnished with its own basement monsters!

(Macabre screams echo from the broken windows)

Magnus: No, wait, those are demons. It comes with basement demons. I think there's a portal to Hell, too.

Sub: Demons make a damn good drink.

Frieza: And that portal sounds like an excellent solution to our tax problems. Now then, let's see if I can't trick physics into giving us back our beer reserves.

(The gang enters, followed by penguins carrying Nemo in a giant champaign glass)

I hadn't noticed the post count. Also, it was probably a poor financial decision to blow up the bar.

*stares at Nemo being hauled around by hoard of penguins*

Sub: hmmmm.....my monsters are sick with the flu and I have to gain control over these demons downstairs........ Penguins may just be the answer......

*grabs penguin from back of crowd*

Sub: You will now be used for war.

*Runs outside. Spots limo full of hookers and throws the penguin directly through the sky roof*

Freiza: Why did you just do that?

Sub: Penguin sex leads to war.....right?.....y'know....I'm not quite sure anymore. I think I've become to soft.......

*All SPA members kinda look around at each other nervously for about 2 minutes*

Sub:*Sigh*

*Fiery limo crashes through the wall spewing out several burning corpses and one blood splattered penguin*

Sub:YES!

The screams echo up from the basement as the SPA inspects the building. No one really pays it any mind, in fact Frieza is actually nodding his head as if to some good music. The screams reach a pitch and volume intense enough to shake the walls before the whole building is shook with a massive thump.

The stone beneath the building cracks and a nearly skeletal hand wreathed in leathery skin shoots up from between the fissures in the concrete. It grabs a handhold on the floor sand proceeds to pull the rest of its smoking carcass out of the black spaces between the floor and wherever those awful screams are coming from.

"K--koff'--Kra- HACK!!-- Kratos...don't... have... ****... on me!"

The broken down emaciated body stumbles to its feet and walks up the stairs toward the floor that the rest of the guys are inspecting their new digs. The disgusting creature looks back over its shoulder and yells an incoherent commands down the stairs. Shuffling sound come from below along with curses spat in demonic tongues. The brutish creatures rise from the depths holding a fleshy bundle of skin and raw flesh over their shoulders. They sit it down on the counter by their equally evil-looking master. One of the more stumpy beasts ambles up to him and hands the creature an obsidian mug that looked like it was crafted from blackened bone.

The half-dead monster barks something at the others and forces them back down the stairs with a bright green glowing glare. They slink back into the basement and the wailing screams continue.

The one creature left stabs a finger into the twitching bundle on the counter. He dips the mug beneath the hole just as a spray of some black liquid comes out of the thing. The creature looks at all of the SPA members staring at him and then raises his mug.

"Bottoms... up..."

He downs the liquid in one shot and slams the mug down on the counter.

"It took you long enough," Frieza remarks.

The skin on the creature begins to fill out from thick leathery hide into a dark red hue. Fur begins to erupt from his form as muscle definition returns. "I... koff' 'HACK!!' I woulda been back sooner," the creature says, looking at Frieza angrily. "But just as I was runnin' back toward the gate I punched into the fifth layer of Hell, someone(I won't name names) had to blow up the bar and destroy my way out. It took me two years to get back. But I got it, MAN!!!"

Ace picks up the demonic, living keg. "Demon Ale, son! If we pour some on a tree, it'll grow money and that sucker's root'll be gold!"

Frieza claps his hands twice and then wordlessly walks away. "'Snort!' Money...."

"Beats workin', don't it?"

Frieza: Magi, what rock have you been under all this time? We've been demolishing the bar on a regular basis from the beginning! It's a hell of a lot easier than cleaning it. This hooker blood, for instance, would require cleaning agents not of this world to get it out of the...Elizabethan coffee table...and with the frequency that vehicles and various explosive forces make new doors in the building's facade, the loss of structural integrity makes it financially unsound to maintain it. Why, after a few months of this the ceiling would start coming down, crushing our precious...porcelain tea set...Magnus, what the hell is this?

Magnus: I think this place used to be an antique shop. I guess some of the stuff wasn't looted.

Frieza: I supposed it'll have to do until Vegeta gets back with our money (or Ace grows some). But we can't operate without a grill. Being able to properly cook anyone and anything on a whim is a necessity.

(Blasts hole in floor to demonic basement. Endless column of fire shoots up)

Frieza: Hm. A bit too high.

(Covers hole with bodies. The hellfire becomes more manageable)

Frieza: There we are. We just have to keep a fresh supply of bodies on it to replace the ones that burn up (looks over at Sub forming penguin army). That should be no problem.

(Pours demon ale into 19th century Satsuma tea cup and sips elegantly)

I wonder if the FDA has any laws about using human bodies as a stove.

I imagine they don't, but there's always the ethical considerations. Assuming any of us listen to that nagging little voice anymore. What a brat. I hate that guy.

[How the SPA Nuked Christmas]

Ace begins to roll in crates with big red symbols on them.

He then drags in a Christmas tree.

He begins to hang red orbs gingerly on his tree with wire in between each one.

Ace starts to stick more and more suspect items on the tree. Long mace-like items with chains hang from curiously strong branches. A strange smell assails everyone in the bar. It's heady and wrong, since it completely replaces the fresh smell of pine that one associates with a Christmas tree.

Ace begins to lay down wires and starts to throw white powder onto the tree like it was faux snow.

Curiously, he hasn't plugged in any of his lights. chibi-Trunks and Nemo have been chained to the wall so that they cannot interfere with the trimming of this curious tree.

Vegeta and Freiza notice the smell from halfway across the bar and look over at Ace. Then their gaze goes toward the crates...

Both of them silently leave, dragging the other sane members of the SPA with them.

Meanwhile, the look of insanity spreads across Ace's face. Spiral eyes and a wide toothy smile on the face of the normally sarcastic echidna are not a good thing.

He spreads all manner of little figures carved out of an odd clay out on the floor and strings them up on the tree with yet more black wire connected to each one.

One figure for each member of the SPA is placed on the tree along with little blue spheres.

Finally, Ace goes into the last crate, breaking open the lead seal within. He lifts out a green star and a shiny little figure of himself that has been laquered with an odd smelling resin.

He sets the figure in the center of the strange pattern he's made with the others and then levitates up to the top of the tree. The spiraling insanity in his eyes deepens as he places the star on top of the tree.

Ace backs away and takes a long swig of Ace Drink from the canteen tied behind his dreads. He then looks upon his unlit masterpiece and smiles a toothy grin that is way too wide for his face.

'Mental checklist:

Detonator = check
plastique figures = check
C4 composite figure of self = check
Spiker grenades = check
plasma grenades = check(Blue balls)
Spacial compression/explosion charges = check (red balls)
Special tree with Nitro Glycerine in place of sap = check
lots of wire = check
Weapons grade plutonium = check
special star shaped miniature atomic bomb casing = check

Satisfaction on being the one to kick off Christmas with the destruction of the bar = ...'

"Check, MAN!!!" Ace yells as he stabs the detonator.

The tree goes up in a thermonuclear cascade of fiery destruction. Ace is lost in a swarm of flaming waves of plasma and spikes of solid iron being atomized.

Black balls of explosive force cascade upward and force the nuclear explosion's shockwaves and fury skyward in a huge collumn of glowing light.

Ace spirals upward through the maelstrom, laughing his sick ass off.

He has gone to Happydale Heights and won't be coming back anytime soon.

The fire and dark colors of the explosion die down. The singular roar of the bar's destruction dies down. High above, the beer and stores of priceless alcohol begin to fall down out of the sky with a tinkling sound.

It begins to snow with a glittering rainbow of colors.

The collumn of white light changes colors rapidly into each spectrum of a prism's light. It spreads out into a large spiky pattern like the sillouhette of a pine tree. and just before it all dissipates, the orbs of compressed energy and gravity fall into place all over its form.

It looks like a thousand story Christmas tree floating in the sky for the breifest of moments...

and then explodes with deafening sound and madness inducing fury.

A lone smoking meteor falls to earth just outside the remains of the bar.

He thumps down to earth had, making a minor crater.

Ace crawls up out of the ground, his sanity seemingly restored, only to find a gun barrel pointed at his face.

"You messed with the booze," Trunks says with a look of untold pain on his face.

"I don't think that was a very good idea," Frieza idly chimes in, charging his hands with purplish ki.

The other members of the SPA close in and Ace's yells of pian echo across the desolate plains of Metro city.

(Frieza casually eyes the devastation as he holds Ace in an energy bind while Trunks goes to town unloading his astonishingly-high-capacity shotgun into the echidna's chest at point blank)

Frieza: You really did it this time, you maniacal monotreme. Now we have to find a new bar AND stock it. And I'm sure as hell not going to be the one to clean up that nuclear fallout.

Ace: I'll -BAM- fix -BAM- it -BAM- MAN!!!

Trunks: And this one's for Sam Adams -BAM- and Jack Daniels -BAM- and Jose Cuervo -BAM- and Captain Morgan -BAM- and I'm too drunk to think of another liquor named after a person -BAM- but this thing still has ammo! -BAM-

Frieza: That's enough, Trunks. Physical pain will only get us so far with him. We need something to make sure he thinks twice the next time he feels like going insane. Something traumatic.

Magnus: Wouldn't that make him more insane?

Frieza: Probably. I think I'm just looking for an excuse to entertain myself at this point. Now what shall it be...ah, of course.

(Frieza turns to the wasteland and raises his arms to the atom-blasted heavens, dark energy crackling over them)

Frieza: Anstieg von Ihrem Grab und machen Sie mir eine Kneipe.

(The ground trembles as a vast army of undead creatures of all species crawl out of the rubble surrounding them)

Frieza: Wow. I didn't expect so many. How many people have died in this city?

Magnus: Was that German?

Frieza: Yes, all zombies speak German. It's one of those strange facts of nature, I suppose.

Magnus: I don't think the unholy dead are considered a part of nature.

Frieza: Whatever. Help me restrain Ace.

(The legion of undead horrors close slowly around the increasingly wild drunkard, the rest of the crew struggling to hold him down from a short distance away with their power. Then, just as the zombies are close enough to overwhelm him with their nauseating stench, they stop approaching, fall to their knees, and lock arms. The ones behind them climb on their backs and do likewise. This act of bodily masonry continues until Ace is enclosed by a dome of rotting flesh and bone)

Frieza: There. This is our new bar. Enjoy.

(Frieza closes the "door", the corpse of an Eggman clone, sealing Ace alone in the dark. Then the ground trembles once more and a column of fire and brimstone erupts from the roof)

Frieza: And look, the portal to Hell survived. Now it really is a bar and a grill.

Trunks: Is making things out of bodies your hobby or something?

Frieza: After you've killed a certain number of people, finding creative ways to deal with their remains starts to come naturally.

[How Everyone Died]

Happy belated New Year everyone! In honor of this apocalyptic period, I'll be doing a miniseries of skits I call How Everyone Died.
---
Ep1: The Lighter

(Frieza stands over the bar mixing a pot of Ace Drink)

Frieza: Haven't had this in a while.

(Looks cautiously around the bar before reaching into pseudo space and pulling out an amethyst lighter with a sun emblem inlaid in gold, lighting the brew, and sipping it)

Magnus: New lighter?

Frieza: Oh, this? No, this is my combat lighter. Instead of lighter fluid it opens an extremely tiny portal to the center of a blue hypergiant star. The size of the portal can vary to produce a flame anywhere from that of a cigar lighter to a blast I can use to incinerate planets when I'm feeling lazy. Here, watch.

(With a quick flick of the wrist Frieza's lighter emits a plume of superheated hydrogen plasma that evaporates the wall and carves a mile-long trench across the city)

Magnus: Cool. So how come you've never used it here before?

Frieza: Well, it's kind of dangerous if you don't handle it right and with Nemo always stealing my lighters I didn't want to risk it. But now that he's been absent for so long I figured why not light my drinks with a little style and he's standing right behind me isn't he?

Nemo: Yoink!

(Nemo grabs the lighter and begins running around the bar flailing his arms wildly and shooting off starfire in all directions as Frieza chases him. Sub emerges from the rafters and drop kicks him through the floor, sending him and the lighter into the pool of napalm below)

Frieza: ...oh dear-

(Portal destabilizes and the bar becomes the center of a hypergiant star. The End)

It can't be the end!

Ep2: Magnus goes Postal

Ghostly wisps stirred the air of the Saiya-jin's Club Bar and Grill, the only harbingers of life in the otherwise stagnant refuge of dust. The mid-morning sun softly draped from the holes in the walls and ceiling, an uneasy peace coloring the scene. Piles of crushed aluminum and broken glass paid testament to the revelry of the previous night, obscuring the distant corners of the dimensionally expanded building and likely concealing many bodies in various stages of decay. The patrons were at rest, passed out in a state of exhaustion and chemically induced stupor alike.

All but one.

Alone at the bar sat a man darkly clad, the establishment's sole customer. A heavily worn overcoat draped over the stool he sat on, concealing an elegant 3 piece suit frayed at the edges and smelling of gunpowder. A dusty fedora sat beside him, his only companion. Messy black hair hung just over his bloodshot eyes. He had not moved from his seat in 3 weeks, nor blinked his eyes in as many days. His unbreakable gaze lay fixed stolidly on the empty spot on the counter top in front of him, toxic fumes and radioactive mists wafting all about him further warping his mind.

At last, as if in response to an unknown signal, he broke the stillness, eyes still lost in the void in front of him.

"I've put up with poor service here for many years," he uttered somberly at no one in particular. "I've had to deal with inedible food, toxic drinks, and the constant stench of stale blood and urine. I've waited patiently for my orders while the servers ignored me and been forced to pay exuberant prices under threat of my life. I've had to dodge bullets and energy beams, fight off disgusting monsters, and run for my life as the building got blown up on an almost routine basis. But I've been waiting," the bounty hunter clenched his gloved fist, "for exactly 3 months now for someone to hand me a single can of beer."

With an insane grimace twisting his grizzled face he rises suddenly, kicking his stool across the floor behind him and pulling out two black hand guns. "WHERE'S MY BEER!?!?!?"

Without a second's delay the vigilante unloaded two full clips into the ivory alien propped up against the shelf behind the bar. The green residue of a horrific concoction sprayed from his lips as the bullets ricocheted off the underside of his crystal plated head, shredding his brain and splattering blood across the bar mirror. Reloading, Magnus turned without a further glance at what he'd done and kicked down a door immediately to his left, revealing a drunken saiya-jin passed out over a pile of cardboard boxes that had the pretension to suppose itself a desk.

"WHERE'S MY BEER!?!?!?"

Another volley erupted from the twin Berettas and Prince Vegeta was no more, puddles of drool becoming puddles of blood. The mad gunman turned and dashed to the other side of the bar where an armadillo and a lavender haired youth lay in a boxing arena, plastered to the mat by blood and vomit. He bound over the ropes and hefted the yellow-vested mercenary up to his face.

"WHERE'S MY BEER!?!?!? GIVE ME MY BEER!!!"

"Guh?" Sub stirred in his grip. "We goza pajamamama."

Magnus's inhuman scream gave no indication whether he understood the armadillo's response or not. He merely lifted the drunken sack over his head and slammed it into one of the ring's jagged poles, impaling it. Shouting again for his beer, he proceeded to kick Trunks into the air and add half a pound of lead to his body weight.

Before his victim hit the ground, the sharp impact of a sneaker sent him flying into the far wall. He landed on all fours, rising to see a pint-sized saiya-jin looking crossly across at him.

"You're gonna pay for what you've done to my family!!!"

With an earth shaking battle cry, Chibi Trunks goes super saiya-jin and prepares to rocket into Magnus when a blur of red appeared behind him and backhands the midget across the room.

"Son, you're about to enter a world of pain."

"GIVE ME MY BEER," Magnus screamed at him obliviously. "WHERE'S MY BEER!?!?!?"

"I got your beer right here," the deadly echidna retorted, pulling out his spread needler and unleashing a wave of explosive needles. The brown-eyed gunslinger nimbly leapt up to the rafters and bound behind an overturned table as the homing shots stuck into the wood above and detonated. Ace jumped back to avoid the falling rubble, giving Magnus the split second he needed to step out and return fire. Ace took cover behind a table of his own, picking it up and charging the rogue customer while firing another burst of homing needles into the air.

Magnus, in what was either a daring gambit or an act of mindless fury, ran headlong at the oncoming furniture shield and, in a single movement, unsheathed an obsidian blade and cleaved it in two. Unfortunately for him Ace had either predicted this or seen it coming through his extra sensory powers and deflected the near-fatal strike with his bladed fighting gloves. The table fell in two as both combatants jumped back, the needles raining down between them and blowing a cloud of splinters across the room.

"Heh. So that's how you want it, eh," Ace smirked as he cleared some dust from his dreads. "Fine by me, MAN!"

With a sinister green flash, the Redstreak sword appeared in the spellsinger's hand. He burst forward, deflecting bullets with one hand and brandishing his weapon with the other. It rent the dark figure in two, but it was only an overcoat. Dodging behind his opponent the maniacal maverick sought to sever his left arm, but he parried the katana with the pommel of his sword. The pair swept across the bar like a tornado, sparks flashing as their blades crossed again and again at inhuman speeds. Each moved with blinding ferocity and precision, the House of Edmund style meeting a modified form of Katori Shinto Ryu in a display both terrible and beautiful.

"Pretty impressive moves," Ace complemented as he jumped from stool to stool, Magnus firing a couple of bullets to shake his balance. "But I'm afraid you're outta your league, Mag."

The fur-clad misanthrope grinned fiendishly as his emerald collar ring flared with light. Just as Magnus was able to register that Ace's body had now become a blur, he was already behind him and delivering a punishing roundhouse to his side. The former patron crashed into the shelf of booze behind the counter, hardly noticing the pain of his dislocated hip before the Redstreak plunged into his chest and hung him on the wall. Liquor of all kinds streamed from broken bottles, dowsing him at last in the alcohol he'd been seeking. Ace stepped onto the bar and looked down into the eyes of the man who had just murdered all of his friends, a man they'd called one of their own. His unshaven visage remained wild-eyed and unengaged, marred by blood and battle dust.

"You got anything to say for yourself," he offered, making it clear in his voice that the bounty hunter's next words would most likely be his last.

Magnus, arms struggling to find strength in spite of his severed arteries, raised two fingers just enough to get Ace's attention. Between them was a single explosive needle that he'd somehow managed to pull out of mid air and held on to.

"Where's...my...beer..."

"Aw, hell-"

Before Ace could stop him, Magnus dropped his arm and stabbed the needle into the shelf behind him. The resulting explosion ignited all of the booze and filled the bar with a blast of fire, a remarkably small reaction compared to what usually happens when the SPA's stash goes up. Ace gets weakly up from the other side of the room, struggling to keep his balance. After the smoke clears, he notices why: fate had blasted him into Magnus's fallen katana, which was now sticking through is brain. He stumbled around for a moment, unable to think of a remedy, unable to think at all.

"There can be...only...on...uhhh..."

The last of the drunken warriors fell to the ground, never to rise again.

* * *

(Nemo walks in)

Nemo: (sigh) Guys, you were supposed to wait for me to have the big brawl.

(Taking on a more serious attitude Nemo walks through the bar, gazing at the horribly murdered bodies of the SPA)

Nemo: Man, what happened here? Whoever did this must've been incredibly powerful. It takes quite a bit to LIGHTER!!!

(Nemo steals the lighter from Frieza's corpse and throws it gleefully into the pool of napalm in the basement. The bar becomes the center of a hypergiant star. The End)

Ep3: GET PAID

(Frieza serves Magnus pizza and beer)

Magnus: Huh? I didn't order anything.

Frieza: I know, I just suddenly had this odd feeling that we've been ignoring you recently and wanted to make it up to you. On the house.

Magnus: Wow, thanks!

(Swigs beer)

Magnus: So how's business? Got any leads?

Frieza: Well there was someone who wanted us to pressure a small militia in Africa into peaceful negotiations, but we-

(Nemo bursts into the bar hefting an ordinary lighter over his head)

Nemo: LIGHTER!!!

(Nemo runs to the basement door and eagerly throw the lighter into the sea of napalm. Nothing happens)

Nemo: Aw, we were supposed to die...

Frieza: ...so anyway, we were thinking of taking the job but-

(Peppermint Butler bursts in)

PB: Help! Please! You must save us!

Sub: Save what now?

PB: Our kingdom! It's under attack by an enormous beast from another dimension!

Ace: What's the pay?

PB: Pay? Oh, yes, well, what do you accept here?

(Vegeta walks in and sticks a video in a decrepit TV. Commercial begins playing:

Vegeta: Greetings potential customer. We are the SPA, mercenaries extraordinaire. We accept beer, cigars, and cold hard cash.

Trunks (offscreen): 'Cause we need beer money.

Vegeta: You can rest assured that any job entrusted to us, no matter how big or small, will be seen through to the very end, preferably the most violent one possible. And if you're not completely satisfied, we'll refund you your- refund? I'm not giving any refunds! Which one of you drunks wrote thi-

Commercial ends. Vegeta removes the tape and goes back into his office)

PB: Beer you say? Uh...oh, yes, why we have a whole river of beer flowing through our kingdom!

Sub: A river of beer?!

PB: Yes, ours is an enchanted land. But we must hurry! The beast will have destroyed everything if we delay much longer!

Frieza: Hold that thought.

(Frieza, Ace, Sub, and Nemo huddle and murmur)

Frieza: Ok, we'll take the job provided that you allow us to divert a branch of this river of beer through a dimensional portal so it runs through our bar.

PB: Agreed! Now quickly, come with me!

Magnus: Hey guys, mind if I join in on this one? It's been a while since I've taken a job myself.

Frieza: Sure, why not? The pay is unlimited so it's not like we have anything to lose.

(PB teleports the gang to the Candy Kingdom. An ultralisk is tearing apart buildings and devouring candy people)

Frieza: ...Ace?

Ace: Swear it wasn't me this time.

Frieza: (to PB) I take it that's the monster.

PB: Yes, please save us!

Frieza: Just making sure.

(Eviscerates ultralisk with giant energy blast)

Frieza: So where's this river of beer?

PB: ...wow, that...uh, yes, right this way.

(PB leads them just beyond the tree line to a flowing river of dark brown)

PB: Here you are. Thank you for your gracious assistance!

(PB quietly sneaks away as the gang steps to the riverside. As they taste the water, their expressions grow dark)

(The SPA materializes surrounding PB)

Ace: That ain't beer.

PB (nervous): Why, whatever do you mean?

Ace: That's root beer. Root beer ain't beer.

PB: I'm *gulp* not sure what you're talking about. That's the only kind of beer we have in this land.

(Starchy the gravedigger conveniently stumbles by drinking what is clearly not root beer)

PB: ...well, what a silly mix up! But still, we thank you brave heroes for saving our land!

(Ace smiles menacingly and puts his arm around PB)

Ace: Lemme break it down for you. See, we ain't heroes. Those guys over there?

(Points to mauled and flaming corpses of Finn and Jake)

Ace: Those guys are heroes. They run around doing good and saving the day in the name of justice and love because they get off on it. We ain't heroes. We're mercs.

(Ace grabs PB and lifts him up to his face)

Ace: AND MERCS. GET. PAID!

PB: AAAAAAHHHHH!!!

(Ace takes a huge bite out of PB's head)

Frieza: Come! We shall devour this kingdom in payment of its debt!

(The SPA begins blasting and eating everything in sight)

Princess Bubblegum: This has gone far enough. I have no choice. We must summon Ooo's greatest champion...

Princess Bubblegum: CAPTAIN PLANET!

ALL: GO PLANET!!!

(Captain Planet explodes from the ground and takes to the sky)

Captain Planet: (stretching and yawning) Oh man, I feel like I've been asleep for an epoch! How long have I been out? Let's see...

(Captain Planet closes his eyes and connects to the soul of the planet. Tears drip from his eyes as images of war, famine, pestilence, nuclear armageddon, and hideous mutations fill his mind. Finally, he looks down at himself, the incarnation of a now twisted and deformed world)

Captain Planet: No...what...what's happened? Everyone...gone...and I...look at me! What have I become?! I...this world...it's an abomination! An affront to the nature order I was created to protect! I must...I must set this right. There's only one thing to do...

(Captain Planet's face becomes grave and his eyes and insignia turn black as ink. He throws his head back and screams with the din of an angry volcano. The sky quickly turns red, unceasing bolts of unnatural lightning showering the land. The ground quakes and fissures violently, throwing chunks of earth into the air. In a matter of seconds, the planet's core overloads itself and Ooo is blasted to space dust...)

Frieza: (drifting through space with the others in a force field bubble) Hmph. Amateur.

Sub: Meh, it wasn't a total loss. We had some candy.

Nemo: And made a reference to an awesome show!

Magnus: Can we head back now? My pizza's getting cold.

(Then the gang is eaten by the Cosmic Owl, for such is nature's way)

(Saving throw: failed)

(Nemo casts Magic Missile: 1, critical failure)

(Malformed spell energy reacts with Cosmic Owl's inter-dimensional organs, sending its being into flux and imploding several universes into it. None survive. The End)

How Everyone Died Ep4: Hell

(Frieza and Magnus sit drinking at the bar)

Magnus: ...is it just me, or do you have this weird deja-vu feeling that we've been dieing horribly over and over?

(Before Frieza can respond, his com beeps)

Zarbon: Master Frieza, Emperor Porule's armada has just materialized at the edge of sector 3!!!

(The front wall and roof of the bar are torn off as a missile explodes in the streets outside. Through the rising smoke, ships drifting just out of orbit are visible in the sky. A small screen hovers down and stops in front of the two mercenaries, the image of a pale green cross between a bird and a reptile dressed in colorful raiment and covered in cybernetic enhancements appears)

Porule: My, my, what have we here? If it isn't the once feared 'lord and master of all the universe'. So the rumors are true. I never thought I'd see the day you would get sentimental about a planet, Frieza. Or are you going to tell me that touring the lowliest dives of backwater planets is in vogue these days?

Frieza: Porule. I see you still like to dress like an Algolian courtesan.

Porule: At least I have the taste and decency to dress at all. But enjoy your little jokes while you can. You won't be in such good spirits once you've sampled the new power I possess.

Frieza: And still using technology to make up for your own insipid abilities. Tell you what Porule, if I can't hit you between the eyes from here – yes, through the moon, you're not hiding from anybody – I'll give you half my kingdom. What do you say?

Porule: I think you might have some difficulty making that shot from Hell. Meidou Zangetsuha, FIRE!

(Emperor Porule's ship fires a planet-sized spherical portal to Hell at the Earth)

Porule: Hahahahahaha!!! Your love for this planet will be your undoing!

(Frieza looks up intently at the approaching void. It's a black portal, leading to the lower regions of Hell – not as easy to break out of. He could warp himself out of the way, but the planet would be swallowed, along with the Dragon Balls and probably the rest of the SPA. He wasn't powered up enough to warp the whole thing, and it would take too long now)

Frieza: You would break inter-galactic weapons bans to get a leg up, you pitiful excuse for a monarch. Well then, I guess I can be forgiven for doing this!

(Opening a quick portal to a particular pseudo-space pocket, Frieza pulls out a cluster of 6 black holes in a hexagonal pattern and arrays them against the coming attack. But instead of draining the anomaly of its energy and dispersing it, it destabilizes and energizes the portal, sundering the dimensional barrier and merging the universe with Hell. Fire and death abound)

Frieza : o.o

Magnus: 0.0

Porule: Wh-what have you done!?!?!

(Porule's ship is swallowed by a giant fish demon)

Frieza: …

Magnus: ...you can...you can fix this with your crazy reality bending stuff...right?

Frieza ...I...I can fix this. Come on!

(Grabs Magnus and flies out of the bar as it's crushed by a meteor of flaming brimstone. He warps them to Ace, on the other side of town)

Ace: (surveying the red skies and monster) Thiiiiiiis isn't another case of Nemo leaving the torture room door open, is it?

Frieza: A little more complicated than that, I'm afraid. Think you can stitch together shredded dimensional fabric?

Ace: Kind of a tall order but I'll give it a shot.

(Ace pulls out the Redstreak, but as he plays the sound attracts every demon for miles. He and Frieza battle them off, but one particularly nasty demon with a portal in its mouth leading to another Hell swallows Ace and then explodes)

Frieza: …I can fix this. I can fix this!

(Eviscerates the remaining demons with a blast of ki and folds space to bring all 7 Dragon Balls together. The Eternal Dragon emerges)

Dragon: (looks around) ...you have got to be kidding me.

Frieza: I know it's kind of a big wish, but I broke the universe. Can you undo all of this?

Dragon: (look of intense frustration) Ok you people, look. I've been cleaning up your messes for decades now.

Frieza: You are seriously doing this now?

Dragon: I used to get nice, easy wishes for things like money and power and women. Now every time I come out here it's to revive scores of people or bring back planets or unmerge entire dimensions. I'm not your personal ctrl+z. It's time you learned to take responsibility for you mistakes.

(Dragon returns to balls, they turn to stone and explode in gratuitous amounts of explosiness)

Magnus: ...maybe we should just find a nice, new dimension for the bar and-

Frieza: I CAN FIX THIS!!!

(Grabs Magnus again and files to Capsule Corp HQ. Vegeta and Trunks traverse the skies, blasting hordes of demons attacking West City)

Vegeta: THE HELL DID YOU DRUNKS DO?!

Frieza: Spare me; where's the time machine?!

Trunks: It's in the basement, but it needs repairs.

Frieza: No time!

(Plows through the building, drops Magnus, jumps in the time machine, and starts pressing buttons madly)

Magnus: Are you sure this is-

Frieza: I CAN FIX THIS, I CAN FIX THIS!

(Time machine goes back a few minutes)

Frieza: Ok, now where did that worm Porule warp in fro-

(Notices the time machine has landed him directly between the approaching portal to Hell and his own black hole cluster)

Frieza: ...this is not happening.

(Mashes buttons, but it's too late. The attacks collide on the time machine, producing a spectacularly unimpressive bit of gray light that nonetheless results in the annihilation of all space-time)

(Back at the bar)

Frieza: So you're saying we were caught in some kind of time loop where we all died over and over?

Ace: Something like that. Y'all were technically erased from existence for a while there, but Spades was able to sort it out from the Dream Field. Well, except for this guy named Emperor Porule – he ended up appearing in a hypergiant star for some reason.

Frieza: Fancy that.

Trunks: I kind of follow all of that, but where did they come from?

(Points to bodies of the SPA members piled on the floor)

Ace: Oh, right. Pulling them out was the only way to break the loop.

Nemo: How did they die?

Ace: Alcohol poisoning, I think.

Sub: Pansies.

Vegeta: Well I don't know about you guys, but all this dieing's made me thirsty.

Magnus: Amen to that.

Frieza: A toast! To breaking and fixing all of existence at the drop of a hat!

(The gang toasts and drinks. Unfortunately Evil Shenron replaced the beer with explody beer, and they explode forever. The End)

[Closing Time]

Another day had risen over the remnant of Metro City, that once-thriving center of modern urban culture, a clear and beautiful day with crisp air and warm sunshine. The bright morning light fell mostly on rubble; after so many years of constant chaos only a handful of buildings still had all four walls standing in that dusty expanse that had been declared an indefinite disaster area. At its heart, surrounded by a small stretch of leveled ground, lay a squat little building in unusually good shape flying a banner that was iconic of the city. It was the only consistent residence the city had known for a decade and was almost single-handedly responsible for its abandonment by local and regional government, an establishment almost legendary in its infamy, once the meeting place of a dangerous group of mercenaries from across the multiverse: The Saiya-jins Club Bar & Grill.

Another day had risen over the remnant of Metro City, another chance for a new beginning. But a new beginning can only follow on the passing of another beginning's end.

Frieza sat alone at the bar, a sweaty Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster swirling in his leathery hand. He'd stopped in for a quick morning drink as he did every week or so. The place had been empty as usual, nor was there any sign that anyone had come through since his last visit, but he liked to keep an eye on the place, if for no other reason than to keep things in order. The building was beginning to look a little more weather-worn than usual, more than two years having passed since the last time they'd transferred, but given the level of activity there didn't seem like much cause for a new one.

The stellar overlord took a final swig from his glass and set it down, preparing to head out into his usual routine, but something compelled him to stay sitting for a few minutes longer. Staring into the dusty bar mirror, he pondered the pale visage in front of him. It was something he'd done many times in the bar's lazy days, a window of introspection that opened itself every once in a while. Pupil-less red eyes looked back at him through the tarnished silvern portal. Sometimes they were the bloodstained eyes of a callous killer, other times the indignant eyes of a haughty king, still others the tired eyes of a listless drifter or the passionate eyes of an Aurum Animi. Today they were the peaceful eyes of an unassuming servant, living out his atonement in a day-to-day existence with a quiescent happiness. It was a face that left him content. The person in the glass had not always looked so agreeable to him. He had grown a lot in the years he'd spent in front of that mirror. His thoughts started to wander to the day he'd first come to this bar, the day he'd first met the men he would come to know as the Saiya-jin Protection Agency. He smiled as memories of revelous mischief danced before his eyes. It all seemed so long ago now. What had it all meant? Where was this road taking him?

As his contemplation continued, the eyes before him widened. Something profound was stirring in him, a sensation in his heart he hadn't experienced since he'd first arrived in this world. It had been so long that he scarcely remembered its subtle movement. Turning his attention inward he listened. A familiar hum of spirit like the steady murmur of the river issued from within. At last, he recognized it. After over a decade of silence, it had finally returned.

The Calling.

The star-born wayfarer rose from his stool, resolute purpose his only countenance.

“It's time.”

Facing opposite the bar, Frieza put his hand to his chin as he surveyed the room.

“Guess I'll start at the bottom,” he uttered to himself as he started walking toward the basement door. Upon opening it, he was greeted by a few steps ending in a sea of fire.

“Oh...right.”

As he stood pondering, a black tendril reached up and splashed about with a gurgled screeching sound.

“Oh good, some of them survived. Let's see now...actually, this may make things easier.”

Murmuring a few arcane syllables, the portal to Hell reopened on the basement floor. A funnel formed in the napalm and sucked the basement monsters through the portal like a bathtub drain. Frieza peeked his head in briefly to check for stragglers, and a few magic words later the basement was dark again.

Crossing to the other side of the bar, the galactic emperor stopped in front of a heavy steel door. Pressing his face against the viewing window, he peered into the fiery nightmare they knew as Sub's torture room. The faint smell of sulfur and something distinctly organic clung to the sooty portal even after years of going unopened. Frieza had never spent much time in the armadillo's den of inhuman horrors, but the scene from behind the glass was as nostalgic for him as any part of the bar. Even now he could see images of Nemo dancing about on the walls laughing obliviously, of countless innocent and not-so-innocent bystanders tumbling backward down the stairs as Sub slammed the door and of the carnage that ensued. As the connoisseur of macabre hobbies reminisced, one of the abominations lunged and stuck itself to the other side of the door, slobbering tar and shrieking bloodthirsty trills too ghastly for words.

“Definitely can't leave this around.” Extending two fingers, he chanted the base form of one of his signature attack spells, a form he'd had almost no occasion to use since learning it.

“MON ZO!”

A small bolt of lightning shot from his outstretched digits. On contact with the door, a bright burst of dimensional energy instantly arced up the walls. With a metallic sound of reacting magic the torture room door was gone, replaced with the bar wall that had always been there.

And the world breathed a sigh of relief.

Not the torture room!

If you ever miss it I can always send you there. Can't necessarily promise to bring you back, though.

The flip of a switch, and the portal device connecting the fridge with the Duff brewery was deactivated. As Frieza pulled his arm out of it he looked down at the empty space underneath, once the temporary resting place of a continuously refreshed pile of dead or drunk bodies. It had been years since it had been occupied.

“I'll take care of that one later.”

Turning his attention to the last potentially dangerous dimensional anomaly in the bar, the astral traveler stepped into a room that had been dedicated to a torture that, in its own way, was worse than anything Sub had ever installed.

“Please...*pant*...can I at least drink some of the water in the bowl?”

“Less begging, more scrubbing.”

The bar's men's room was as grotesque and dilapidated as ever, but the toilets were such an immaculate white that it left spots burned into one's vision if beheld for too long. This impressive shine was perpetually deepened by an emaciated saiya-jin who'd recently inherited the job from his younger self. This child, 20 years his junior, stood by supervising with a shotgun constantly trained on his future self's head. The shells it fired weren't much of a threat to either of the alien super-beings, but the fact that GT Trunks hadn't been given a chance to recover since he'd been dragged there, and that this child version of himself had taken a far different course of development than him, growing coarse and stalwart from years of struggling to survive in the bar whereas he'd grown soft from years of sitting behind a desk at Capsule Corp, were enough to keep him from resisting.

Frieza stood in the entrance and announced nonchalantly, “Ok kid, you're free to go.”

Chibi Trunks protested indignantly. “What?! But he didn't have to do it anywhere near as long as me!”

“Not him, you,” the reptilian changeling answered. “It's closing time.”

The tiny saiya-jin looked up at him with a look so lost as to wrench a pang of deep pity from any feeling being. “What's 'closing time'?”

“It means we're leaving and not coming back, and unless you want to be killed when I dispel the spacial expansion Ace put on the building then I suggest you come with us.”

The lavender-haired midget sighed poutingly. “Fine. Just give me a minute.”

Hefting his weapon with a look of ferocious, unrestrained vengeance, he unloaded 6 double-barrel shotgun blasts into the reluctant janitor in rapid succession, pouring out the pain and despair of years of abuse in the space of a few seconds. After savoring his cries of pain for but an instant, he threw the empty gun to the floor and stomped toward the door.

“Oh thank God,” GT Trunks practically sobbed, moving to embrace his liberator. “Any longer and I was going to die from exha-!”

Frieza's hand around his throat cut him short. “I said him, not you.” Jumping into the air, he pulled the disgraced monkey-man over his head and flung him into the fissure in the back corner of the room leading to the endless void he'd installed there years ago. The green tentacles of some otherworldly horror reached out to receive him immediately, dragging him screaming into the bottomless abyss. Chibi Trunks ran to the edge of the pit and called down to him with sardonic cheer, “Hey, take care of the bathroom monsters for me, ok? Don't worry, Gertrude likes to squeeze a lot but she's just being friendly. Watch out for Bill though; he bites and injects acid into your blood.”

Another flash of electric blue ZO from Frieza's fingertips and the hole was gone, leaving the cleanest spot of bathroom tile the room had seen in many years. Chibi Trunks grinned sadistically and followed the galactic murderer out of the bathroom in a much better mood than before. But crossing the bathroom threshold, he paused. His eyes moved to a spot of sunlight on the cracked cement floor shining from the glass doors. There was something about it that held him spellbound, something just beyond his consciousness that he couldn't grasp, a memory he could no longer see but could still feel. Frieza stood watching him patiently for several minutes, until finally he saw his hands start to tremble. The child that had been the object of his wrath for over a decade looked up at him, tears welling up in his eyes.

“Is this really happening,” he asked in a trembling voice. “Am I dreaming? Or is this one of your sick jokes?” Frieza only nodded at him solemnly. He looked back down at himself, pinched his face, beheld his shaking hands. Convinced he was awake, he turned again to the ray of light on the ground. Walking cautiously over to it, he reached out and put his hand in the beam. He tilted it, watched the light play over his fingers, felt the warmth running through him. Advancing one step at a time he moved over to the door and let the sunshine envelop him, looking up, bewildered, at the cool blue sky.

“I'm scared,” he choked, the tears now streaming down his face.

“Oh don't be so dramatic,” Frieza rebuked him. “Your mother came and took you home plenty of times.”

“It's over,” he whispered like a prayer. “It's really over...” At length he turning again to the onetime ruthless mercenary with his innocent eyes. “What do I do now?”

Beginning to sound a little irritated, Frieza drew toward him and put a hand on his shoulder. “Look, just go back home, have a drink, get some rest, and after a few days I'm sure you can get back to your-” He stopped in mid-sentence as something profoundly wrong caught his attention for the first time. “Hey...wait a minute,” he paused, trying hard to recall what he knew about Saiya-jin anatomy before continuing. “Shouldn't you have...grown after all these years?”

The 4-foot warrior answered matter-of-factly with three words. “Malnutrition. Stunted growth.”

“Oh,” his liberator answered, taken aback. “I'm...sorry - I never realized we...” He had never really given much thought to the annoying kid in the bathroom, he was now realizing. He'd probably spent more than half of his life so far trapped in a bar with people who hated him. He'd died and been revived more times than anyone was interested in counting. It must've seemed like being caught in one of Hell's elaborate tortures. It was no wonder he was having difficulty believing it was suddenly ending. It was amazing he was still as sane as he was – a testament to the incredible inner strength he had, the same he'd witnessed in the older Trunks. He was no longer the arrogant brat he'd known at the bar's inception. Seeing him in this new light, the old tyrant's heart sighed. “You know what, here. I'm probably going to catch a lot of crap for this but I don't care. Think of it as a kind apology for all of the slightly-misdirected abuse I've heaped on you over the years. Maybe I can even heal some of that posttraumatic stress while I'm at it.” Trunks looked less than trusting as Frieza clapped his hands together in a prayer position, but didn't withdraw. “This will sting a bit.”

The celestial wizard pulled his hands apart, producing wild arcs of lightning between them. Without giving the boy a chance to react he pressed his palms into his shoulders, sending thick bolts of what appeared to be electricity dancing across his body and the ground around him. Chibi Trunks screamed in fear and agony over the sound of cracking bone and transmuting flesh, a scream that grew gradually deeper until finally his vision returned and he found himself looking down at a familiar pair of serpentine eyes.

Catching his breath immediately, the new Trunks looked down at himself. He stood surrounded by a small ditch, part of the bar's floor having been absorbed into the alchemical reaction. As he began to regain his bearings, he realized that something else about the floor had changed: it was much farther away.

“I'm...”

Running back into the bathroom, he beheld his new 20-year-old body in the cracked mirror. A jubilant smile slowly rose in the glass. “Whoa! I look just like big brother,” he gushed, his former distress mysteriously gone and replaced with an almost child-like excitement. He ran stumbling back out of the bathroom, adjusting to his new proportions. “Oh man, this is so cool! I'm gonna do all the things I couldn't do as a kid! I'm gonna go get drunk and ogle strippers and rob a convenience store and shoot out the windows at McDonalds and-and...”

With no further warning than a momentary silence the reborn saiya-jin threw himself at Frieza and vigorously embraced him, still-moist eyes pressing against his face. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

Though a little uncomfortable, the misanthrope returned his embrace and did his best to sound supportive. “You're welcome.”

The young man resembling Future Trunks withdrew just as quickly as he'd come on, laughing at his own joy, unable to stop throwing glances at his new hands. “Later Frieza,” he waved and ran for the door, taking to the skies with newfound confidence. “I'M FREE!!!”

Frieza watched him disappear into the distance, then noticed an object sitting in the men's room door. It was the old scrub brush; Trunks must've accidental kicked it out there in his awkward scampering. The starbound seeker picked it up and admired it. It was an unusual piece of work, made of titanium alloy with carbon fiber bristles. Vegeta had eventually splurged for a custom one after his subservient son had worn so many of the cheap ones down to the handle. Smiling, he deposited the trinket into his pseudo-space pocket. It would make a unique souvenir, a reminder to pay more attention to all the kids in the bathrooms of the multiverse.

Deciding that he'd earned himself a break, he walked back over to the bar and mixed himself another Pan-Galactic.

"Withdraw," he practically retorted in startled confusion.

"Yes, and have this sector marked as forbidden space. I don't want anyone rummaging through my leavings."

"But sir, we've been up here waiting to invade for almost 10 years!"

"Oh come now Zarbon," the Kold prince grinned warmly at his right hand man, "there's no need to pretend you're surprised. You realized years ago that I was never going to give the order."

The golden-eyed attendant cocked his trademark pretty-boy smile, preserving every bit of its arrogance even as he was forced to drop his failed charade. "Was I that obvious?"

"Oh, your acting has been a credit to the politics that runs in your blood. I just know that you've known me long enough to tell what I'm thinking. And I've known you long enough to know that you're not stupid."

"Very well, sir," the servant formally replied in a less than formal tone, "I'll see to it that no one will dare come withing light-years of your new friends."

"They've largely departed," the former tyrant stated nonchalantly, turning to admire one of the works of priceless art adorning the otherwise cold visage of technology that characterized the flagship's smaller briefing room. "This is more of a payment for damages done. We made quite a mess over the years and we were rather inconsiderate about it to the people of that planet. I wanted to do something to make it up to them, small though it may be. Besides, this place is special to me. It's the closest thing I've felt to home since..." Frieza trailed off, a profound silence muting the voice of his thoughts to the world. Zarbon strained to see around his back to catch a glimpse of his expression, but the moment passed too quickly. "Guard it well for me, Zarbon. I must leave you again...this time, for good."

Zarbon's hanging jaw punctuated his silent response. This time his shock was real. He stood for a moment in the gravity of the words, letting their reality wash over him. A soft smile recomposed his blank expression. "I'd be lying if I said I hadn't seen this coming. We've tried to keep it from the men as best we could, but since the day you called us here it's become more and more obvious that your heart's not in this anymore." Receiving the prodigal emperor's voiceless acknowledgment, he continued. "I just...I guess I just didn't want to accept it. We'll manage – we held it all together for years before you came back, and now that everyone knows you're alive we can always continue the pretense that you're still around. I guess I just never let go of the hope that things would go back to the way they were in the good old days."

"You mean the days when we plundered galaxies in a murderous spree of greed, lust, and pride? When we exterminated more races than anyone knew existed and everyone on this ship - including you - lived every day in fear that I'd kill them for amusement or for some trivial mistake?" The ivory misanthrope turned to reveal a subtly sadistic smile. "We did have some fun, didn't we?"

Hesitating briefly, the beryl-skinned warrior ventured, "Would it be too much of me to ask why?"

Closing his eyes, the godly being he'd devoted his life to serving answered with hushed affection rarely heard on the imperial vessel. "My dear friend, that is the least I can do after all you've done for me. I don't expect you to understand completely, but the short of it is that the utter folly of what I was doing – of what I WAS – finally dawned on me. I was a child, Zarbon, always insisting on having my own way, which was ironically what kept me from ever being satisfied. All of the things I used to take such pleasure indulging in seem like so much trash to me now compared to what I found out there, to what I found inside. Hell, even compared to what I found in that bar down there, and that ragtag bunch of mercenaries that call me their friend. Who'd have thought all those do-gooder peasants who used to babble at us about love and peace were really on to something?"

Zarbon crossed his arms and nodded slowly to himself, smiling contentedly. "You're really not him, are you?"

"The Frieza you knew lived the same wretched life and met the same well-deserved fate as I, tragically lost to his own pride without ever knowing who he really was. I am the chance he was never given, the person hidden in his heart, even from himself. I'm the icy tyrant melted in the fires of Heaven and Hell. I'm the spoiled prince who finally learned the difference between having fun and being happy. I'm the prisoner who found freedom in slavery, the warrior who found strength in weakness. I'm the wanderer of worlds following a golden path toward a destiny unknown yet somehow greatly desired. No, Zarbon, this dimension's Frieza is still buried, and he is better forgotten."

The elven prince starred into his master's crimson pupils with a look that was neither satisfied nor disappointed. "I'm not sure what to say," he finally began, sounding lost. "Except to tell you that it wasn't the conquering or the riches I missed. It was...you. There's really no one like you. You run things with a calculated cunning worthy of legend, you fight with terrifying ferocity but with a control and grace that's even more terrifying, and to those who served you well no benefactor could surpass your generosity. You weren't like any of the royalty I grew up with. You were witty and, dare I say, playful! Scary sometimes, but...you..." Turning his eyes to the ground, he uttered softly, "You're the closest thing to a friend I've ever had."

The reformed monarch's gleaming expression answered his mossy-haired minion's naked emotion. "Zarbon, do you remember those first few months you were in my employ on Planet Frieza 16 and my transport was blown up by saboteurs? You ran over screaming my name, certain that I had perished, and started tearing your way through the flaming rubble of the launchpad."

"Yes, I hadn't quite grasped the extent of your power yet. Outrunning an explosion was something I'd never even conceived of."

"Yes, and you made quite a spectacle of yourself. You must've been rather frustrated that everyone else was standing around laughing. You suffered some nasty burns from it too if I recall, which I suppose I could've spared you but I wanted to see just how long you'd keep digging. Your loyalty and devotion impressed me from the very beginning. I never forgot it. It was the reason I took you under my wing. It was the reason I eventually allowed myself to consider you my dearest friend."

Stepping forward, Frieza set his hand on the shoulder of his companion's armor and looked him in the eyes. "But now you must become more than that. It's time for you to step out of my shadow Zarbon, and claim your place in history as my true successor. This isn't like the first time you took the reigns. You are no longer a steward holding together the broken pieces of a fallen despot's kingdom. This time I bequeath it upon you, your own empire to rule as you see fit."

The wide topaz lights staring back at him slowly took in this new reality, flickering quietly as wild surges of myriad emotions swelled behind them. They gave silent testament to the cry they could not give. There was so much that the zealous soldier wanted to say, to show, but couldn't. He knew well the price of leadership. He knew he had to be strong, to deny himself and put on a temperate and self-possessed face. Besides, the fiery rubies looking back at him told him that he already knew. Raising a verdigris fist to his chest, he showed his former master that he was up to the task with a firm nod. "I am honored, sir. I will do my best live up to the legacy you've left me."

"That's my boy," he briskly patted his shoulder and turned away, strolling over to the room's main monitor displaying a view of the stars off the ship's port bow. "Then I have just one final order for you."

The newly crowned emperor grinned, always eager to serve his old mentor. "Yes Master Frieza?"

"Don't make my mistakes," he said boldly as he turned to face him again. "Don't rule for yourself. Don't place your own interests above the interests of the empire. Serve the people even as you've served me, and your greatness will be assured."

The former administrator answered with an enthusiastic salute. "Yes sir!"

Frieza smiled and, dropping on one knee, bowed his head. "Farewell, Lord Zarbon. I have been and always shall be your friend. Make me proud." Rising, he turned again, preparing to step off the ship through folded space.

"Frieza," the voice he'd never hear again called after him cordially. "Where will you go?"

"I'm going..."

There was a pause as the vagrant alien realized this was a question he had not yet asked himself. He knew only that he had to move on; he hadn't stopped to consider a specific destination. No logical answer immediately presented itself. In the stillness he took a moment to listen to the wordless expression emanating from his heart. Something arose and he grasped at it, trying to form it into words.

"I'm going...home."

With a violet flash of distorted light and a low rumble, Frieza disappeared into foldspace. Zarbon stepped absently over to where he'd just been standing and looking up at the screen, seeing anew the vast expanse of cosmos that now belonged to him. Despite the busy days ahead he allowed himself to stand there for a long time, pondering the journey of his predecessor and the journey that now lay before him.

Black skies loomed over the eastern wastes of Antarctica, a not uncommon sight on the continent where night could stretch on for months at a time. However, this was the height of its summer months and this darkness had nothing to do with the sun.

“Speak your first wish,” the Eternal Dragon bellowed.

Frieza answered with his commanding tone. “I wish to revive everyone who was killed by the S.P.A. or who died as an indirect result of our actions between 2001 and now and who...” He paused, making sure he worded this next part carefully. “Who weren't plotting to or in the process of trying to kill innocent people or destroy the city or planet and who haven't already been revived since we killed them. You can deposit them all in a safe place on the outskirts of Metro City.”

A tired sigh seemed to course through the land itself and for a moment Frieza thought the dragon might protest the immensity of the wish, but the rising hum of energy and the bright red glow of his eyes portended the coming miracle. With a brilliant flourish of golden light and a slight groan of exertion from the emerald legend, the deed was done.

“It is done. Now, what is your last wish?”

“I've been using a lot of magic today and it's not something I've ever really mastered. Could I get a boost in magical power and knowledge? The biggest you're capable of, if you please.”

“As you wish,” Shenron growled, apparently somewhat less irritated with this wish. A circle of light appeared around the crystal-clad warrior and erupted in a column of power, holographic symbols of ancient wisdom ascending all around him. Images of long forgotten races and guarded secrets lost to the ages filled his mind in a painful maelstrom of sudden revelation. When his head stopped reeling he was standing in front of the dragon, a new inventory of magical potency now at his disposal.

“Your wish has been granted,” the mystical being decreed indifferently. “Farewell.”

The dragon vanished in a burst of golden light, and the Dragon Balls began to rise into the air. Caught with a sudden inspiration, Frieza reached out and telekinetically grabbed all 7 as they tried to fly off across the planet. He dragged them back down to himself, now ordinary stones, put them in a bag, and deposited it in his personal pseudo-space pocket. “I don't know why we've never thought of this before,” he said to himself coolly, stepping into a portal back to Metro City to deal with the enormous mob of people who would probably all need a ride home.

Hey look! It's me! Bumping the bar!

I graduate college in one month's time! It's been a 6-year long journey and I can still look back happily of these days. Hope all is well with everyone!

Subz!

Congrats man. Music, right? If I recall, you have to be able to play a certain number of instruments to get that degree. What can you play?

Also, in case you don't feel like reading the last few pages, this is going to be the last bar. I'm gonna send out a message the week before I close it but I figured I'd give you a heads-up now in case you're not around. I'll probably do it on either Sonic's birthday in June or our anniversary in August. Feel free to jump in with any skits or RP.

Yea Music Education. I'm going to be licensed to teach K-12 Choral and General music. I obviously had to study voice and piano. I also have learned guitar and percussion proficiently, and have some minor skills in sax, flute, oboe, and clarinet now. I haven't really touched orchestra or brass. I figure I'll deal with them if I ever get forced in to an orchestra or band job.

And yea, I've read through a bit of the past few pages. Hard to believe it's coming to an end, but it's definitely had a nice full run. I also just read Episode 7 of the S.P.A. comics. Made me very nostalgic haha.

Heh, glad someone finally read it besides AkumaTH and NEG. The last panel in comic 5 was all for you.

It's kind of funny hearing the guy who used to help me sweep bodies under the fridge in high school talk about being a teacher. Like Amy teaching Latin. Makes me feel old.

Not much going on with me. Same programming job for the last 8 years, which is good.

Closing Time checklist:
x 1) Free basement monsters
x 2) Close Sub's torture room
x 3) Close fridge portal
x 4) Close bottomless pit in bathroom + free Chibi Trunks
x 5) Settle accounts with Zarbon
x 6) Revive the fridge dead
7) ... (sigh)

The lord high Frieza found himself standing in front of a cheap stone house in the woods somewhere in the East District and trying very hard not to blow it up. He had failed at this six times already and been forced to reset the universe, at great cost to the space-time continuum, but remained undeterred in his mission. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an unhappy looking woman.

“What do you want,” Chi-chi bellowed after she recognized the alien psychopath at her door.

“Is your husband in?”

The woman sneered as she turned back into the house, shouting something at Goku about one of his bar friends being at the door and warning him not to burn the lawn down again. The monkey-man stepped into the doorway.

“Hey Frieza! What's up?”

Frieza took a deep breath.

“Hey Goku. I, uh...I was just...ok, look, I'm probably not going to see you again for a while and before I go there's something I wanted to say. I know I've been kind of a jerk to you all these years, exterminating your race, murdering your friends, setting you on fire, framing you for armed robbery, pressing you into degrading servitude aboard my ship, blowing up your house six times in the last hour, selling you to science and using the money to produce libelous photos of you and Android 18, throwing your offspring in a blender and freezing them into a tasty summertime treat, ruining your credit score, using your body as mortar, threatening your beloved teddy bear, listing you as several items on our menu, maiming you in the most painful way I could think of at the time...where was I going with this? Oh, yes, I wanted to apologize for any lasting inconvenience I may have caused and I hope there's no hard feelings. Can you find it in you to forgive me?”

“No,” Goku smiled.

“Wait, what? I thought you were all about that love and forgiveness crap.”

“Yeah, but I figure I can get something out of you first.”

Frieza sighed. “What do I have to do?”

And so began the grand adventure of Frieza and Goku! Bidding his wife farewell and ignoring her impassioned rant that if he was late for dinner one more time she'd make him and her rusty carving knife very intimate friends, the legendary saiya-jin flew off with the reluctant Frieza in tow. Their first stop was the amusement park, to which Frieza paid their admission with a coupon for Best Buy that he convinced the drunken clerk was a twenty dollar bill. Goku, being afraid of roller coasters in spite of his ability to fly at supersonic speeds, took Frieza on the merry-go-round instead. While sitting rather bashfully on a ceramic octopus Frieza noticed that the man operating the ride was none other than Shadow the Hedgehog! He moved over to ask the ultimate life form how he'd come to this unfortunate fate. The hedgehog replied that he'd had some “creative differences” with the people at SEGA, specifically that he was sane and they were plainly not, and they'd gone their separate ways, but unable to get a decent job in the floundering economy he'd been forced to take up carny work. Frieza expressed his sympathies and offered him a job at the bar. Shadow, on hearing the name Saiya-jin's Club, recalled the incident 12 years ago when the SPA had hunted him down like an animal and kept him as a pet at Vegeta's house. In a post-traumatic fit of blind rage he attacked Frieza, which resulted in the immediate transformation of the entire park and the surrounding 5 miles into a single attraction known as Crater Land.

Deciding to pretend the previous paragraph didn't happen, Goku instant transmissioned the pair to the seashore where they each bought 6-foot tall icecream cones and went for a walk on the beach.

“Goku, have a confession,” Frieza said. “I never really hated you. I was just afraid that 6 morbid clowns in parachute pants would come and take me away if I didn't constantly try to destroy your life in new and imaginative ways.”

“Really?”

“No, I just thought this could use to be longer.”

Just then, an ambulance ran over an innocent bystander. 6 morbid looking clowns in parachute pants jumped out, loaded the man into the back, and drove off again, crashing almost immediately into a beached whale at several hundred miles an hour and exploding in a mist of decaying blubber.

“I'm going to pretend that didn't happen,” Frieza resolved.

“Me too! Hey, let's play pretend!”

“No! No pretend!”

“Aw come on, it'll be fun! I'll pretend to be the Queen of England and you can pretend-”

Desperate to avoid whatever moronic game his companion had in mind and hoping to make the day more interesting in general, Frieza spiked Goku's icecream with a vial of Ace's MKA formula while he was failing to not stare at the sun like an idiot because Frieza told him to. Goku, being a severe teetotaler, became so falling-down-drunk that he began chanting in ancient Samarian and accidentally cast “summon moon,” a spell the Samarians kept around just in case they ever needed to cremate, then crush themselves incredibly slowly. The moon began its gradual descent to Earth but fortunately it was on the other side of the planet at the moment so nobody of importance cared. Then Frieza stole Goku's wallet and traveled to Switzerland to scratch out a meager life on cheese doodles and unemployment. Meanwhile, Goku flew to Time Square to watch Teletubbies on the giant TV, but it was interrupted by news of an alien invasion. The alien leader appeared on screen to deliver their message of peace, and their message was, “We bring you crack.” Crack being illegal, the Government destroyed the Earth.

Goku awoke from his drug fantasy to find himself in the Hazy Maze with a bored looking Frieza. Not sure what they were doing there he was about to teleport them out when who should stumble by but Mario! Seeing the two he went immediately into a drunken rant about how the ultimate power can be found in Disneyland. Frieza explained that they'd already destroyed the machine in Disneyland years ago, so Mario offered another legend about the ultimate artifact being hidden somewhere in Euro Disneyland, which interested him greatly. Convincing Goku that it would be a fun adventure they set off for France. However, Goku's poor knowledge of geography landed them instead on Mars, which Mr. Schkizuitz insisted that he owned and demanded that they pay a toll.

One less red planet later, Frieza brought them to the famed City of Love and began inquiring about ultimate artifacts while Goku entertained himself watching a shopkeep make powdered toast. Suddenly a flying circus tent descended from the sky and an army of disturbing clowns poured out. Their rainbow haired leader announced (using a series of honks to communicate) that this was Carnevil 9, the apocalyptic circus of unspeakable evil, and they'd come to claim the ultimate artifact for the forces of Darkness. Not having any of this, Frieza cast “summon psychotic DK clones.” But instead of mauling the clowns like psychotic clones should, the Donkey Kong recolors all threw themselves into Lake Disney. Frieza and the clowns watched as the muffled sound of rock and roll instruments emanated from beneath the water and a beam of light descended on it. Finally a guitar-clad monkey emerged from the lake waving an ancient looking golden box. He was immediately run over by the clown ambulance, which stole the box and barreled past both Frieza and the Carnevil clowns at infeasible speeds. Returning to their circus ship, the clowns made chase with Frieza close behind. The clown ambulance deftly dodged a storm of clowny lasers and death beams with barrel rolls that would've made the Internet proud. However, it was eventually forced to crash into a tree by its inherent love of crashing into trees. The leader, a clearly insane clown known as Mad Clown, stepped out of the driver's seat as the demonic big top crash-landed in front of him. The clowny army of doom stepped out solemnly and chastened Mad Clown for his reckless behavior and unconventional face makeup, to which he responded by picking up his ambulance and hurtling it at the circus tent. The resulting exploding was mistaken for a preemptive nuclear strike by the French government and resulted in a brief multinational holocaust.

The ultimate artifact reduced to dust and ashes, a discouraged Frieza returned to Euro Disneyland to continue his terrible day. When he arrived, Goku presented him with a soft pretzel and a familiar golden box. Dumbfounded and immediately undumbfounded, Frieza demanded to know where he'd gotten it. The happy saiya-jin replied that he'd asked the buttered toast vendor about it and he'd said the one in the lake was a decoy and sold him the real one in exchange for a few magic beans. Anxious to learn what their labor had earned them, Frieza opened the box and found only a small red button. He pressed it, and a blueberry muffin materialized before him. Goku squealed, his lifelong dream of owning the fabled Muffin Button of Ages at last fulfilled, and proceeded to press the button so many times at such a speed that the enormous mass of muffins it produced collapsed into a black hole and destroyed the solar system.

The lord high Frieza found himself standing in front of a cheap stone house again, having reset the universe a few extra times for good measure. Goku walked out smiling.

“Hey Frieza! What's up?”

Frieza pulled two Pizza Hut boxes out of nowhere. “I'll give you two stuffed crust pizzas if you say you forgive me for everything I've done or might ever do to you.”

Goku readily agreed and began wolfing down the pizzas, until he found himself stuck to the grill of an ambulance that was plummeting off a nearby cliff. The ambulance exploded in mid-air and Frieza took his leave, deciding that he'd accomplished what he came for.

(Im Not NEG) That was very much so the best thing I've read all month. No exaggeration.

Darkness. He knew it well. It was his element, his canvas. In it he performed his great work, dancing over the whole world like the frost on a winter night. The darkness held no fear for him. But so too was he a creature of the light. In the day he prepared his great work, crafting and toiling all year round in joyous expectation of the celebrated day of his love. In the light he found his life, his identity. It held no great secrets from him. He was a being in balance, a crossing of two worlds. So as he entered the dim twilight of the fire exit signs illuminating the maintenance cellar of the old Macy's Headquarters on 34th street, that vermillion blend of light an dark, he felt entirely at home, perhaps in a deeper way than he could in either extreme. It even made the overwhelming presence of the murderous planet baron hiding behind the row of helium tanks across the room seem docile.

Santa wandered into the middle of the grimy room with a wariness in his step, but a broad smile on his face. Gesturing with his gloved hand he called cordially into the shadows, “You can come out, Frieza. It's no use trying to hide from me.”

The crafty snake stepped out into the open. “My, my, I guess the stories really are true. You do see us when we're sleeping and know when we're awake.” The jolly patron chuckled a little, an unusually warm response to the mercenary who'd held Christmas itself hostage on several occasions. “I tried to think of a place we could meet that would be somewhat familiar for you, but I'm honestly surprised you showed up.”

“I admit, even with my forgiving nature I would normally have expected a trap,” the immortal courier nodded earnestly. “But I've been watching you today, Frieza, and I'm very impressed. It was very noble what you did for the young Trunks, and how you've tried to atone for your sins against Goku and the people of this world. Perhaps you're finally beginning to accept the goodness in your heart.”

Frieza shied away as though blushing. “Oh, it's nothing. I just felt I needed to make things right before I left, that's all. Which brings me to why I called you here. I was hoping that, after all this time, we'd be able to settle accounts, you and I.”

Old St. Nick crossed his arms, a gentle fatherly expression gleaming at the former monster. “It's ok, Frieza. You don't have to apologize to me.”

Two blood red eyes sparkled back at him viciously. “Who said anything about apologizing?”

With speed that produced a sonic shockwave Frieza slammed his palm against the ground, activating the array of runes hiding just under the layer of dust. Doors, vents, pipes, and every manner of escape disappeared, leaving them trapped in a concrete box. Radiant golden symbols covering every surface of the room ignited, glowing distinctly against the dark walls and replacing the former ambiguous iridescence with a bold chiaroscuro, separating the light from the dark.

Santa spun in all directions, startled and confused. “You had me fooled for quite a while, Nicholas. You had us all fooled. You even managed to avoid being noticed by Zeke's reality piercing gaze. Were it not for the fact that I scheduled the Eternal Dragon before you, we should be having a very different meeting right now.”

“What is this,” the crimson-clad toymaker stuttered. “What are you up to, Frieza?”

“What's the matter Claus? These are holy runes. Surely a saint such as yourself should have nothing to fear from them.”

“I-I'm not sure what you're getting at,” he answered, traces of sweat beginning to appear below his fur-lined cap.

“There's no use denying it. My new eyes see quite clearly through your magical disguise.”

Santa's bewildered demeanor abruptly stopped, settling into a grim discipline. “So you say you see clearly. But do you understand what you see, Frieza? Do you see that there's more to everything than eyes can tell?”

“Oh, I've been thinking about it for hours, what your game might have been. Naturally my first thought was that you were a trickster spirit, here to sow selfishness and materialism.” The ruby-eyed alien crossed his arms, celestial light refracting brightly off his white skin and crystalline features. As he continued, his voice softened. “But there's more to it than that, isn't there? Perhaps it began that way, but you've been doing this for too many centuries with too little harm. You even tried to promote good behavior with that list of your. You really do care about these people. You really do give for the joy of giving. It's a very rare thing, a spirit of greed so covetous that it covets generosity. A demon that seeks to become a saint.”

The vermillion philanthropist nodded gravely, splotches of light and shadow dancing over his coat. “What I was is no more. It's behind me now. I am a man. You of all people should be able to understand that even the most dark-hearted of creatures can be changed.”

“And that, old friend, is where we differ I'm afraid,” the changeling prince drew his arms back to his sides and looked down hard at Santa. “There are those who would say there is no such thing as nature, that you are what you make of yourself and everything is malleable. There are some who stake their entire lives on that hope. But it's a lie. You have deceived yourself Nicholas – or whatever your name really is. It isn't joy or happiness you feel when you deliver those toys; those feelings are beyond your capacity. It's merely the same greed you gave yourself over to before time began, passing through a filter of self-delusion until it resembles love. No matter how much you try, you will never become a man. No matter how much you learn to ignore the sting of divine light and convince yourself that virtue is not odious to you, you will always be a demon.”

“You're wrong,” the fallen angel snarled. “I am a man! I am!” Frieza only made a small hand gesture, amplifying the energy flowing from the archaic symbols all around them. Santa winced, but forced a smile. “Hmph! You think you can kill me with holy energy? I've actually come to enjoy the mild feeling of nausea it gives me!”

“Oh, I didn't call you here to kill you,” the magically enhanced warrior replied, an unusual gold and black varying necklace that Santa swore wasn't there a minute ago draping over his chest plate. He took the pendant between his fingertips: two gems welded together, one translucent silver, the other translucent crimson. “Yes, you'd recognize one of these wouldn't you? I've been hesitant to wear it ever since Para's brother gave it to me, but now I think I understand how its power works.” With a massive rush of spiritual force Frieza raised his arms as new, very different symbols lit up beneath Santa. “Evil and divinity work together in this world, but not in duality. The darkness serves the light in spite of itself.”

“What are you doing,” the false saint demanded in alarm.

“I'm doing the world a favor it would never do for itself. I'm doing you a favor, demon. I'm sending you home.”

The diabolic spell circle under his feet came to life with a terrible glow, ripples of fire expanding from the center then collapsing into it like sand draining through a hourglass. The portal to Hell reached out with tendrils of hate and revenge, of suffering and despair, of lies and death. Santa fought against it with his sizable magical influence but found himself slowly sinking under. In desperation he fired a volley of Christmas magic at his tormentor, a being he even now held the same thoughts of compassion for as he did for all the people of the Earth. The colorful blasts broke on the might of his aura and splashed harmlessly around him, being made up principally of dark magic twisted in a convincing doctrine so as to resemble purity and joy. As his eyes began to glow green and his human semblance fade in the nightmarish flames, he cried out with the same grandfatherly timbre the world had known him for.

“Frieza, please, I beg you, have mercy! I just want to make people happy! Look into you heart! Think of the children! Think of what I mean to them, to everyone! Look back on all the pain you caused in Christmases past – think of how much worse this will be! I am the spirit of the season of peace and brotherhood, the embodiment of their hope! You can't do this!”

“We were never wrong about you, Claus. In spite of your good intentions you really are a blight on this world, an unavoidable fact of your nature. Whatever inspirational value your myth has, in the end you are a spirit of commercialism and selfishness, a drain on the planet's resources and a debilitating crutch on its economy. It will weep for you, but both of you will be better off this way.”

With artificial tears in his eyes and a final fading shout of “Ho,” Santa Claus disappeared into the infernal vortex, his fate to be left a mystery to the world. With a movement of the will Frieza dispelled the runes and teleported off to the north pole to deal with the elves and their factory. The basement returned to its former decor of dull red shadows, and all that remained was the continuing clash of darkness and light.

(Walks back into the bar and reclines on a stool)

Frieza: Ah! Well, that takes care of all of the big items on the list. Now there's just a few little items to tie up around here. For example...

(Reaches behind the counter and pulls out a Duff)

Frieza: Finishing off our beer supply.

(Swigs beer)

(Drinks more beer)

(Drinks another beer)

(Drinks yet another beer)

(Im Not NEG) Stop drinking beer and log on AIM.

Frieza: Sorry, there's no Internet here in our Internet bar.

(Drinks still more beer)

(Drinks still another beer)

(Switches over to wine)

(Sips wine)

(Swirls wine)

(Sips wine)

(Thwarts a cuban drug ring that had somehow been operating in the building across the street)

(Sips wine)

(In case you haven't realized it yet, I'm using this as a karma topic until it reaches 500)

(Sips wine)

(Lights peaches)

(Makes flaming peach wine)

(Sips flaming peach wine)

Have you guys heard Daft Punk and Anamanaguchi's new albums? They're both pretty dope imo.

(Im Not NEG) Nope, but you can all pre-order Sticky Wickets today!

http://www.thedivinecomedy.com/?p=678

(Big the Cat500) Daft Punk's is really retro and mellow, not what I was expecting from them

I just flipped through a few tracks. The Daft Punk didn't really do it for me this time. Anamanaguchi was cool, though. I've been catching up on the last few years of OCRemix this week so it fit right in.

(Smashes pumpkins)

(Puts pumpkins in the basement to ferment)

(Uses Chaos Control to speed up fermentation)

(Sips pumpkin wine)

(Sips wine)

(Pulls box of Cuban cigars from hidden panel under the counter)

(Smokes cigar)

(Steals Vegeta's car)

(Smokes cigar in Vegeta's car)

(Sets Vegeta's car on fire with cigar)

(Leaves car parked on moon to extinguish the flames)

Frieza: What was I supposed to be doing again?

Frieza: Oh, right, using up the beer.

(Sips wine)

(Lights wine on fire with cigar)

(Sips flaming wine)

(Mixes bourbon, scotch, and beer)

(Drinks George Thorogood reference)

(Riffles through the shelves and pulls out an old bottle of Jose Cuervo)

(Swigs tequila)

(Raises glass in a silent toast)

(Swigs tequila)

(Goes behind the counter to mix up a Frosty Frieza)

(Wonders whatever happened to his team of chemists in the back)

(Uses up the last of the Frosty Frieza base liquid)

(Pockets the other leftover Frosty Frieza ingredients [rubies, amethysts, and pearls])

(Teleports into space and sips Frosty Frieza)

(Sips Frosty Frieza)

(Casually shoots down PBS satellite)

(Sips Frosty Frieza)

(Finishes Frosty Frieza)

(Returns to the bar to find it slightly more on fire than usual)

(Notices a six-pack of some yellowish, milky drink on the counter with a bow and a note attached)

Something seems different around here...

(Im Not NEG) Smells like chicken.

Frieza: It's probably just the on fire. I'm sure it's nothing like the fabric of our reality undergoing change for the sake of change.

(Reads note)

A small token of my esteem and comradery, in commemoration of our years of successful action against our mutual enemy. You will find a larger token in the back room celebrating our ultimate triumph, which my sources have informed me you realized earlier today. I wish only that you had called so I could've seen the look on his face. Consequently, you will find your building to be mildly inflamed.

As this settles the grounds of our common interest, our partnership is consequently concluded. Hence this shall be the last batch of the drink you receive per our agreement, but other terms can be worked out should you desire more at a later date.

Should further circumstances arise meriting our cooperation that you think would be in our shared interest, I should be most glad to collaborate with you again.

Wishing you all the grinchiest in the future,
The Grinch

(Sips Grinch Nog)

(Grinches rat)

Frieza: Huh...apparently this stuff gives you Grinch powers.

(Grinches bar stool)

(Grinches fire. Fire dies)

(Finishes Grinch Nog)

(Grinches Magnus. Magnus writhes on the floor in extreme pain)

Frieza: Sorry, I wanted to test it and you're the only one nearby.

(Steals Magnus's Christmas)

(Grinch powers wear off)

(Checks in the back room and finds enormous crate of Grinch Nog)

Frieza: Hm...I think I'll save this.

(Puts Grinch Nog into personal pseudo-space pocket)

(Pours some more tequila)

(Drinks tequila)

Frieza: You know, if I keep drinking like this I'm going to start getting bloated at some point.

(Drinks tequila)

(Mixes tequila with random sodas and fruit juices from the shelves)

(Discovers he has unknowingly mixed a "Nick at Night")

(Drinks the cocktail and faintly hears the distant sound of the Gilligan's Island theme floating on the ether)

(Breaks out a bottle of Absolut Krusty brand Vodka and take a shot)

(Does another shot)

(Im Not NEG) You sure have a wide variety of drinks in here.

Frieza: Most of them have been gathering dust on the shelf for ages. I think we keep them around primarily as ingredients.

(Does another shot)

(Chugs the rest of the bottle)

Frieza: I don't know why Vegeta always got the cheapest swill. The money wasn't even his.

(Im Not NEG) Upset as hell that I missed updating the music and link threads in time. They deleted in 13 days, the last posts were on the 3rd, which is less then is usually required. I've updated in 14 and 15 days past before. Many times.

Two and a half years, wiped just like that.

But what can one do..

...other then to simply start again.

Excuse me while I kick myself over a message board for a while.

I suppose that's partially my fault. When you increase the number of posts on the board it decreases the purge delay.

Under 6 messages: 10 Days
6-100 messages: 30 Days
101-250 Messages: 20 Days
251-500 Messages: 15 Days
501-1000 Messages: 12 Days
1001-2500 Messages: 10 Days
2501-5000 Messages: 7 Days
5001-7500 Messages: 6 Days
7501-10000 Messages: 5 Days
10001-12500 Messages: 4 Days
12501-15000 Messages: 3 Days
15001-20000 Messages: 2 Days
20001 or more Messages: 1 Day

(Returns to flaming wine glass)

(Sips flaming wine)

(Walks behind the bar, pulls out a bottle of rubbing alcohol, and smiles at it nostalgically)

(Impales a maraschino cherry on a toothpick and drops it into the bottle)

(Guzzles rubbing alcohol)

Frieza: Well, that was novel. I'm not drinking gallons of cleaning fluid, though.

(Sells the rest of the rubbing alcohol on the black market)

(Sips wine)

(Shoots pool)

(With a .45)

(Mixes another Pan Galactic)

(Drinks Pan Galactic)

(Drinks Black and Tan)

(Dusts off the last bottle of Uncle Vegeta's Pure Mash Liquor)

(Drinks mash liquor)

Frieza: This is only slightly better than the rubbing alcohol.

(Finishes mash liquor)

Frieza: A moment of silence for Knuckles Dawson, whose body was found four days ago in a park, apparently suicide.

(Pours a 40 of cherry MKA on the curb)

Frieza: Rest in peace, man.

I'll drink to that, RIP.

(Im Not NEG) ::takes a small flask out of his inner coat pocket, salutes thin air and takes a chug::

NEG: The SASB. Sometimes I think we may as well be known as the Secretly Depressed ***** Group.

::Cameraman casually walks into the bar, sits on the stool next to the infinitely easily disguntable employer of his::

Cameraman: What you drinking?

NEG: Alcoholic Dr Pepper, what else?

(Mixes alcoholic Dr Pepper with whiskey and mead)

Frieza: I'm not even going to name this thing.

(Drinks concoction)

(Drinks straight whiskey)

(Pops open a Sam Adams)

(Quaffs beer)

Frieza: I'll have to bring some of this stuff with me. Importing it would probably be a chore.

(Swigs beer)

(Smokes a few cigars)

(Steps into the back room to see what's left)

(Notices green-glowing barrels stacked against the wall)

Frieza: Oh, right...this stuff...

Frieza: ...maybe I'll just leave this for Sub to pick up later...

Frieza: ...ah, what the heck. One last trip through hell, for old time's sake.

(Chugs drum of Seizure ****)

(Falls to the ground writhing and speaking in tongues)

(Writhes)

(Convulses)

(Spasms)

(Seizures)

(Sees the light)

(The light turns out to be Hell)

(MidnightJade21) (Performs CPR, brings you back from the gates of Hell)

Nurses are cool like that. ;0

(Gets up and politely vomits behind the barrels)

Frieza: Thanks. I appreciate your concern, but I had it under control. I just hope you didn't get any of that stuff on your lips. Otherwise you're going to be the one in need of CPR in a few minutes. And probably a resurrection spell.

(MidnightJade21) I've been exposed to all kinds of crap. I'm immune. (Collapses)

Frieza: (sigh) Well, at least I'm some kind of archmaster mage now.

(Heals Jade)

Frieza: You know, on second thought, this stuff is too dangerous to leave here. Sub can call me if he wants it back.

(The barrels of Sub's Seizure **** disappear into pseudo-space)

(Rosie the Robot rolls in and cleans up Frieza's glowing green vomit)

Rosie: When am I getting paid again?

Frieza: Later. Now get that classy chassis back in the closet.

Rosie: Right away, Mr. F.

(Grabs a beer on the way out of the back room)

(Wanders into the game room while drinking beer)

(Looks at the old SPA Arcade Game machine)

Frieza: I never did finish this...

(Starts game)

Select your character!

You have selected Frieza.

(Gets to level 7 boss with ease)

Boss battle!!!: MUST KILL GOKU!!!

Frieza: Ok, I know he's grossly overpowered in this, so I should try to find a way to beat him without facing him head on...hm...

Frieza runs over to the bar, equips beer, and fires a Beermehameha at Goku. He then 1-hit KOs the drunken chimp.

Frieza: Well at least they coded that part right.

Level 8: Bush has just fired the entire United States arsenal of ballistic missiles at the bar! In addition, he's sent hundreds of brave ground and air troops to their grisly death in an attempt to distract you long enough for one of the missiles to hit the ground. Unfortunately, everyone but you is too drunk to see straight. Protect the beer at all costs! Player loses if health runs out, any missiles hit the bar, or a nuclear missile is destroyed without first disarming it.

Frieza gets a perfect score using only death beams and manages to catch the last nuke in a foldspace rift, sending it directly to the Pentagon War Room.

Level 9: It's high time someone found out where those tumbleweeds are coming from. Seeing as Vegeta is too lazy to do it himself, he's promised you a modest reward in alcohol if you can solve the mystery. Follow the trail of tumbling enigmas to their source! (Game plays like original Donkey Kong Arcade. Player loses if they get hit by too many tumbleweeds or time runs out. Flaming tumbleweeds do double damage). Note: Nemo has banished Frieza's special lighter to the land of misplaced kitchen appliances until his mission is complete, so only the mystical $.75 gas station lighter is usable.

Frieza tracks the nomadic vegetation to a tumbleweed factory run by Oozaru Goten, which he burns down, then to a Chinese restaurant run by Ronald McDonald, which he also burns down, to Billy's room from Family Circus, which he burns down twice, then finally to a UFO in a random crater in the Nevada desert (with what looks like Area 51 in the background) where he meets a pile of tumbleweeds that reveal themselves to be living beings from another world intent on conquering Earth. A boss battle ensues during which Frieza discovered that these tumbleweeds are fire retardant, so he hijacks the UFO's controls and crashes it into the sun.

Bonus stage!!!: An army of Zerg invaders have landed in the heart of downtown Metro City! Help Ace and Nemo clean up the streets! Player loses if any SPA member runs out of health or the Creep covers the entire battle field.

Frieza scores thousands of points annihilating Zerg with relative ease until suddenly Daleks and Metroids begin showing up at an alarming rate. He barely manages to clear the level by destroying the Nydus Canal at the end before Ace runs out of health.

Bonus Boss!!!: Use your ultimate form to save Metro City, and the world, from the threat of Dark Para!

(Im Not NEG) NEG: I beat that arcade with a hand tied behind my back...back in the summer of '65.

Cameraman: You did?

NEG: Probably not. Good song, though.

Level 10: The villainous Santa Claus in holed up in his cavernous workshop, scheming for his next Christmas joyride. Pay him an early visit and foil his philanthropic designs! Player loses if health runs out, friends die, or time runs out without causing at least 860,000 points worth of destruction.

Decorations - 50pts
Toys - 100pts
Factory machines - 1000pts
Elves - 3000pts
Reindeer - 10,000pts
The Spirit of Christmas - As much as you believe

Frieza receives 13,965,000 points, the Grinch banishes Mrs. Claus to the Phantom Zone, and Nemo somehow activates a secret tractor beam that crashes the space colony ARK into the the North Pole.

Bonus Boss!!!: From the wreckage of the ARK emerges an uncharacteristically peeved Reynard Fox! Fight for your very souls!

ADVENTURES IN THE SAIYA-JINS CLUB BAR & GRILL:
FINAL BATTLE!!!
APOCALYPTIC LEGENDARY BEING
CRIMSON RAIN AMIDST AN AZURE SHADE
A CAN OF PEAS!!!

Frieza: ...what?

(Can of Peas instantly 1-hit kills Frieza)

GAME OVER

Final Score: HAPPY END!

(Blows up arcade cabinet)

Frieza: Now I remember why I never bothered finishing it...

(Pours another Pan-Galactic)

(Carefully sips Pan-Galactic)

(Finishes Pan-Galactic, eats the olive)

(Digs out the last of the MKA)

Frieza: Let's see, what've we got. Cherry, grape, hyper, healing, magic, Saiya-jin, Pikachu, and hero. Not bad.

(Drinks Saiya-jin MKA)

Frieza: Mm. Saiya-jiny.

(Imbibes Pikachu MKA)

Frieza: Ah! I don't think I've had one of these in almost 12 years.

(Consumes Grape MKA)

(Assimilates magic MKA)

(Ingurgitates healing MKA)

(Ingests hyper MKA. Involuntarily goes Super)

(Partakes of Hero MKA. Acquires a halo)

(Adds some of Ace's MKA formula to cherry MKA)

(Swills cherry MKA)

(Swills more cherry MKA)

(Drinks the last of the MKA)

Frieza: We were never big on this stuff anyway.

(Walks into Vegeta's office)

Frieza: I wonder if Vegeta kept any kind of records.

(Kicks aside piles of crushed beer cans to make his way to the desk)

Frieza: Half-finished beer-stained tax return, invoices used as napkins, doodles of Goku dying horribly, inventory scribbled on a menu from a Chinese restaurant, Simpsons novelty calendar, Rolodex filled with drink recipes, picture of his wife turned face down, moldy cheese burger...yep, pretty much what I expected.

(Opens the desk drawer, finds it filled with an assortment of peanut, pretzel, and Skittles wrappers, a Sears catalog, a PS2 with a copy of ZOE 1+2, a...)

Frieza: Is that a key? What on earth would Vegeta keep locked up? And where?

(Turns around and notices file cabinet)

(Uses key to unlock file cabinet, pulls out a 6-pack)

Frieza: ...you know, I think I'll leave this one here. For posterity.

(Puts everything back, walks out) .

I simultaneously found out just now that Knuckles Dawson worked for Rooster Teeth and that he was found dead. Hit me harder than I expected. How are you doing Frieza?

Pretty good. Was working 11-12 hour days for the last few months, but I don't mind. I think I'm done with them for now anyway.

We had a topic for KD a few weeks back. We all felt pretty much the same as you. He hadn't posted here since 2006, back when he came to tell us how he'd made it big with Microsoft and started his own website, but he was still one of ours. I've got a folder of stuff from his old Geocities site in the comic archive in my sig if you feel like reminiscing.

(Pulls all of the Ace Drink ingredients out of the back room)

Frieza: I've been looking forward to this one all day.

(Gets the giant caldron out of the kitchen and moves it to the center of the bar)

(Pours in all of the remaining tequila, malt-liquor, and Ace's MKA formula)

(Mixes in a dozen liters of gin, rum, champagne, and a few pints of shark's blood)

(Empties several cans of Duff, Krusty brand cough syrup, and what's left of the red wine hyper-aged through Chaos Control)

(Picks out an especially large Guatemalan Insanity Pepper and lets it dissolve in the brew)

(Stirs caldron with a steel oar)

(Dips his old crystal wine glass into the unholy draught and draws forth a measure of the bubbling compound)

(Touches his signature lighter to the lip of the glass, sending a small plume of fire skyward)

(Blows out the flaming concoction)

(Briskly takes a swig of fresh Ace Drink)

Frieza: Ah! Yes, out of all our specialty drinks this one's definitely my favorite.

(Slowly takes another savory sip)

(Im Not NEG) Cameraman: The Madman Lovers thread seems to have gone. Sad day..

NEG: Hah!

Cameraman: What's so funny?

NEG: I just picked the olive out of my wine glass of Dr Pepper.

Cameraman: ...

NEG: Mother always told me if I picked at it long enough, it would get tired and give in.

::NEG munches on the olive with great satisfaction on his face::

Cameraman: Was the taste worth it?

::burp::

NEG: Shush, you.

(Grabs more Ace Drink, lights it with the tip of a cigar)

(Finishes his glass, draws another, and lights it)

Frieza: I should keep some of this around as a guide for synthesizing it in case they don't have sharks or Palestinian grapes on whatever world I find myself on.

(Fills a cryogenic thermos with Ace Drink and deposits it in pseudo-space)

(Walks behind the counter and opens the cash register)

(Sweeps a few bills and the gold coins that Magnus usually paid with into a sack)

Frieza: I guess this technically belongs to Vegeta. I'll just leave it at his doorstep.

(Ties up the sack and tosses it through a foldspace rift)

(Meanwhile, in a bathroom far away...)

(Vegeta sitting on the toilet reading a Sears catalog)

Bulma: Oh, Vegeeeeta! The kids are all out. Why don't you come massage my feet? Maybe later I'll let you show me your Galic Gun.

Vegeta: (shudder) You'd have to pay me to get me to touch that.

(Bag of gold suddenly slams into his face and knocks him off the toilet)

Vegeta: I WAS BEING SARCASTIC!

Pacific Rim is as good as you've heard. See it in IMAX 3D with a rumble pack.

(Chugs a mug of Ace Drink)

(Tipples Ace Drink)

(Belts down another Ace Drink)

(Dissipates more hootch)

(Soaks up another magic elixir)

(Toasts to bygone days and absent comrades)

(Tanks up on more intoxicant)

Frieza: Perhaps I shouldn't have made so much at once...nah.

(Dunks his head into the caldron of Ace Drink and inhales)

(Performs the dance of a thousand rainbows)

(Im Not NEG) Cameraman: what will happen in the end, NEG?

NEG: You mean besides endless reruns of The ASK NEG Show?

Cameraman: Yes.

NEG: Endless reruns of NEG Floods Boards On The Internet For His Own Amusement Show.

::snickers to self, spins in bar chair with his eyes closed up at the sky::

NEG:...Though I suppose the title could use some work.

Cameraman: A new show? We'll manage filming both on our evidently tight schedules?

NEG: Of course not, that's why I hired Cameragirl.

Cameraman: Cameragirl?

::NEG takes out pokeball from his pocket, throws::

Cameragirl: Where...where am I? Who are you?

NEG: Oh and by the way, you two are now officially married.

Cameraman: ...Uh

NEG; I expect Camerababies by a year.

Cameraman: You expect?

NEG: Hey, how do you like the name of the third show I'm working on? NEG's 24 Hour Live Stream of Blowing Up Planets With Finger Lasers. Subtitle: Portions of The Show may include Duct Tape. It shall also get Lasered.

(Slides NEG another Dr Pepper)

Frieza: In the immortal words of Atrus, the ending has not yet been written.

(Fills another mug with the echidna's brew)

(Swigs booze)

(Grabs the caldron and chugs the last of the Ace Drink)

(Flushes the draft beer drains into barrels)

(Brings out every remaining edible substance in the building)

(Mixes everything together in the caldron)

Frieza: I call this unholy abomination a "going-out-of-business." Get it while it's chemically unstable.

(Dips a glass into the colorful amalgam)

(Takes a sip)

Frieza: Meh. Better than Duff.

(Turns all the lights on, rings the bell)

Frieza: Last call, everyone! Last call for alcohol, and everything's on the house. All remaining tabs are forgiven, mostly because I don't feel like chasing down Vegeta's money.

(Pulls a glass of wine out of pseudo space)

Frieza: I know I just threw everything we've got into that pot in the middle of the room, but if you're looking for something particular I'm sure I can rustle it up.

(Im Not NEG) ::peeks inside pot::

NEG: I think I can see my house from here.

::someone new steps into the bar::

Mystic Meg: I've finally done it! ::Meg flapping her chao arms around happily::

NEG: Only took you 3 years. What have you got?

Mystic Meg: Yes, I've finally found someone new to interview for the next episode of ASK NEG that either isn't dead or left this world yet.

NEG: Oh?

Mystic Meg: It requires time travel, and talking to yourself!

NEG: You mean I should...ASK NEG?

Mystic Meg: Yes! We could ASK Classic NEG, Future NEG, you being Modern NEG. Then theres Concept NEG, Sparkle in Your Eye NEG, Fruitilicious...

Cameragirl: The basking of his own ego never ends, does it.

Cameraman: I haven't the slightest idea about what you mean,

(johnlIV) Can't believe it's been 12 years :O Oh well farewell topic of all topics

(Im Not NEG) Good to see you around Johnl :) ( we ought to catch up )

Heh! Good to see you, John!

That does get me thinking...I wonder how many message boards there are out there in Internets land that can boast a running thread that's gotten at least one post every week or so for that long. I imagine it must be pretty unique.

(Im Not NEG) What the hell, for old times sake.

FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD

(Im Not NEG) FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOd FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOODFLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD FLOOD

(Im Not NEG) FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD FLUDD The Cow Empire

(Im Not NEG) GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GITGIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GITGIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GITGIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GITGIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GITGIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GITGIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GITGIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GITGIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GITGIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GITGIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GITGIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GITGIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GITGIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GITGIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GITGIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GITGIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GITGIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GITGIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GITGIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GITGIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GITGIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GITGIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GITGIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GITGIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GITGIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GITGIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GITGIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GITGIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GITGIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GITGIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GITGIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GITGIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GITGIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GITGIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GITGIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GITGIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GITGIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GITGIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT GIT Rubber baby buggy bumpers

(Im Not NEG) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v8gJKVV7Itc - Epiphany

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLIhfiLK-LY - Perception

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bah6Hyq00rk - Catharsis

Life is.
Simply.

(Im Not NEG) Did you know that whales ejaculate 6gallons, and only two goes into the female whale?

No wonder the sea is salty.

....I've remembered this factoid over the years for longer then I should have.

(Im Not NEG) There are FOUR LIGHTS

(Im Not NEG) Darmok and Jelad at Tanagra

(Im Not NEG) The only thing that would make tonight better are pink hedgehogs.

That isn't happening, is it?

(Im Not NEG) Look up to the skies. There will always be a fantasy.

----

Well, I'm off to bed.

Back over to you, Dan. Take it away. Make it amazing.

After your done mopping the floor, of cour-

::a big giant monkey head suddenly barges into the bar::

Andross: Your not signing off without me first doing a weather report, are you?

NEG: H-how did you come in without breaking the doors down? But anyway, yes. You might as well.

Andross: THE WEATHER IS GOING TO SUCK

Cameraman: Really?

Andross: Nah, slightly cloudy with a drizzle of rain around noon. Look out for rays of sunshine spreading across the south-east soon after.

Andross: I WILL ALSO TAKE OVER THE LYLAT SYSTEM AND..::rambles on at length::

NEG: There's something lonely about a ball field when it's raining...

Cameraman: So what we doing tomorrow, Street Fighter party at the local SEGA Park back in the 90's?

Myistic Meg: I've got the time machine all configured and ready to go!

NEG: Totally. Let's try...somewhere around 9/9/99 to 14/10/99.

Cameragirl: You know, your a bunch of oddballs I've only met moments ago but I'm intriged 'just enough' to go along with this.

NEG: Cheers for the beers, Frieza. We'll no doubt pop into each other again, as always.

::a blue and red most probably copyrighted swirly appears, sucking the whole ASK NEG cast and crew in::

::an amusing pop sound, followed by a burp, and the swirly is gone::

Frieza: Hm. I was going to get Cameraman to help straighten the place up a bit. Oh well, more kaleidoscopic liquor for me.

(Dips another glass in the caldron)

(Walks over to the jukebox)

Frieza: Guess I'll fill the time with some music.

(Pushes a button on the jukebox, nothing happens)

Frieza: ...I don't know why I thought this thing would actually work. Oh well...

(Pulls out his spirit guitar)

Frieza: This sounds better anyway.

Hey! Alright!

Oh Yeah!
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah!

Rolling around at the speed of sound,
Got places to go, gotta follow my rainbow.
Can't stick around, have to keep moving on,
Guess what lies ahead, only one way to find out!

Must keep on moving ahead,
No time for guessing, follow my plan instead.
Trusting in what you can't see,
Take my lead I'll set you free.

Follow me, set me free,
Trust me and we will escape from the city.

I'll make it through.
Follow me (Follow me), set me free,
Trust me and we will escape from the city.
I'll make it through prove it to you.

Follow me!
Oh yeah!
Follow me!
Oh yeah!

Danger is lurking around every turn,
Trust your feelings, got to live and learn.
I know with some luck that I'll make it through,
Got no other options, only one thing to do!

I don't care what lies ahead,
No time for guessing, follow my plan instead.
Find the next stage, no matter what that may be.
Take my lead, I'll set you free.

(Whoow!)

Follow me, set me free
Trust me and we will escape from the city.
I'll make it through.
Follow me (Follow me), set me free,
Trust me and we will escape from the city.
I'll make it through prove it to you.
Follow me!

(Guitar Solo)
Yeah! He-ey! C'mon! Whooo! Yeah, yeah yeah! Whoo!

Surprises are hiding out in front of me
Uncover their secrets and then we will soon be free!

Follow me, set me free
Trust me and we will escape from the city.
I'll make it through.
Follow me (Follow me), set me free,
Trust me and we will escape from the city.
I'll make it through prove it to you.
Follow me!

Follow me!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Follow me...
Oh yeah!

I'll make it through, oh yeah!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aaWu6UiUDMU

Yeah, yeah
If I could change the world
Like a fairy tale
I would drink the love
From your Holy Grail
I would start with love
Tell ol' Beelzebub
To get outta town
'Cause you just lost your job
How did we get so affected ('cause I think)
Love is love reflected

Time
Don't let it slip away
Raise yo' drinkin' glass
Here's to yesterday
In Time
We're all gonna trip away
Don't piss Heaven off
We got Hell to pay
Come full circle

And if
There's a spell on you that
I could take away
I would do the deed
Yeah and by the way
Here's to Heaven knows
As the circle goes
It ain't right
I'm uptight
Yeah and get off my toes

I used to think that every little thing I did was crazy
But now I think the Karma cops are comin' after you

Time
Don't let it slip away
Raise yo drinkin' glass
Here's to yesterday
In Time
We're all gonna trip away
Don't piss Heaven off
We got Hell to pay
Come full circle

Every time you get yourself caught up inside
Of someone else's crazy dream
Own it, yeah that's a mistake
Everybody's gotta lotta nada killing them
Instead of killing time

Time
Don't let it slip away
Raise yo' drinkin' glass
Here's to yesterday
In Time
We're all gonna trip away
Don't piss Heaven off
We got Hell to pay

Time
Don't let it slip away
Raise yo' drinkin' glass
Here's to yesterday
In Time
We're all gonna trip away
Don't piss Heaven off
We got Hell to pay
Come full circle

Circle, circle, circle, circle, circle, circle, circle

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mIP7ySBXBg

Time rolls on
That's as it should be
Here and gone
Seems to move so quickly

Man, we was happy, in our restless hearts
It was Heaven right here on Earth
Yeah, we were laughin' as we reached for the stars
And we had some for what it was worth

Those were good times
Damn good times
Those were good times
Damn good times

Hey, take a look at this picture
Can you believe that was you?
And who's that standin' there in the corner? Not me
Ahh, all the crazy things we used to do

Sure, we was acting like a couple of kids
Good to remember, you know that it is
I still feel it like the sun on my skin
Maybe that's better

'Cause these are good times
Damn good times
Talkin' about good times
Damn good times

So it's one for the money
But that don't make the show, no, no
Count to three and I'll be ready, yeah yeah
To follow that road, yes I will

I see it comin', yeah, this one is ours
We got Heaven right here on Earth
Ain't nothin' like it, when you're reachin' for stars
And you grab one, for what it is worth

You can tell 'em
We'll be having good times
Damn good times
I'm talkin' good times, yes sir
Damn good times

Good times
Good times
You know good times
That's good

(Im Not NEG) ::meanwhile, in 1999::

NEG: HOW DARE YOU BEAT MY CAMMY WITH ZANGIEF OF ALL CHARACTERS! BLARG!

Cameraman: I...er...this isn't going to end well, is it.

::finger lasers Cameraman dead, nothing remains::

Mystic Meg: You took far too long to do that lately.

NEG: Yeah, well.

Andross: Won't his regenerative powers cause him to re-appear at the normal timeline though? How's he going to get back here?

::a moment later Cameraman walks through into Sega Park::

Cameraman: It appears my...ability to re-spawn works across all of time and space. Well that's good to know. Still hurt buckets, though.

Cameragirl: Where'd you...respawn?

Cameraman: Trash bins outside. Some odd bloke was telling me to get away from his bins. Then making moc-moc-a-moc noises...

NEG: Another round?

Cameraman: Certainly, sir.

(Turns up the volume)

Frieza: Gotta go out with this one.

Can you feel life
Moving through your mind?
Ooooooooh,
Looks like it came back for more
Yeah...

Can you feel time
Slippin' down your spine?
Ooooooooh,
You try and try to ignore
Yeah,

But you can hardly swallow
Your fears and pain
When you can't help but follow
It puts you right back where you came

Live and learn!
Hanging on to the edge of tomorrow
Live and learn!
From the works of yesterday
Live and learn!
If you beg or if you borrow
Live and learn!
You may never find your way

WHAAAAAOOOHHH, oh, oh, yeah.

Can you feel life
Tangle you up inside?
Yeah,
Now you're face down on the floor!
Oh,

But you can't save your sorrow
You've paid in trade
When you can't help but follow!
It puts you right back where you came

Live and learn!
Hanging on the edge of tomorrow
Live and learn!
From the works of yesterday
Live and learn!
If you beg or if you borrow
Live and learn!
You may never find your way

Whoa, whoa, OH YEAH!!!!!

[Guitar solo]
"Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!"

There's a face searchin' far, so far and wide.
There's a place where you dreamed you'd never find.
Hold on to what if!
(Hold on to what if!)

Live and learn!
Hanging on the edge of tomorrow
Live and learn!
From the works of yesterday
Live and learn!
If you beg or if you borrow
Live and learn!
You may never find your way

Live and learn!
Hanging on the edge of tomorrow
Live and learn!
From the works of yesterday
Live and learn!
If you beg or if you borrow
Live and learn!
You may never find your way!!!!!

Live and learn!
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Live and learn!
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

(Flips the chairs and stools up on the tables and bar)

Frieza: ...you know...why not. I've got nothing else to do.

(Begins mopping the floor for what might be the first time it's ever been mopped. Though he's never used a mop in his life, Frieza finds it strangely familiar and relaxing)

(Wipes down counter and tables)

(Finishes the last of the booze)

Frieza: Guess it's time.

(Makes his way to the exit)

(Flips the sign in the window to "Closed")

(Turn out the lights, walks out)

(Frieza steps into the darkness outside as a door closes behind him. The nightscape before him is a fairly desolate one, a dead city whose last few buildings had just about finished crumbling, but the lights of heaven shining through the clear summer air paint the ruin before him with a soft white luster that reminds him every bit of the hidden beauty the night could claim. He turns around and stares at the doorway for a moment)

Frieza: You know, I almost gave up on this place just a few weeks after it opened. During that first bar where things had begun to slow down, I set it on fire, turned my back, and almost walked away. Can you imagine what I would've missed?

(Takes out his signature lighter)

Frieza: For all our talk of 'riding for life,' I've pictured this day many times. I always thought it would be an appropriate ending, to take that road I turned away from so long ago, to light the bar and walk away without looking back. But now that I'm here...

(Puts the lighter away)

Frieza: It doesn't feel right at all.

(Slaps the city's regulation oversized padlock on the doors)

Frieza: Requiescat in pace, old friend.

(Turns and makes his way across the stretch of barren earth surrounding the bar to the mound of dust where Magnus is waiting. They stand together for a moment, looking back at it beneath the absent shine of a new moon)

Frieza: I suppose you'll have to find a new place to drink. Sorry if it's an inconvenience.

Magnus: No, don't worry about it. I'll find more jobs at places with actual customers anyway. What about you? You figure out where you're going yet?

Frieza: There is one place that's been on my mind but...no, I can't go back there. They're probably all dead by now anyway. I suppose I'm just going to drift for a while.

Magnus: Mm.

(Moment of silence)

Frieza: I feel like I'd be expected to say something profound and reflective here, but honestly I think it's all been said. Besides, it was never really that kind of place. We came here to kill our braincells, not use them. In that light, there's really just one thing to be said.

(Give a thumbs up at the bar)

Frieza: Good times.

(Another moment of silence passes)

Magnus: So, how're you gonna end it? Blow up the city? Blow up the planet? Hypergiant star?

Frieza: Well, this does happen to be the anniversary of the Hiroshima bombing.

(Creates crackling black deathball in his hand)

Frieza: We could go out with a bang, level this city, put it out of its misery once and for all, leave its rubble as a giant memorial to what once was.

(Deathball fades away)

Frieza: But I have a better idea.

(Steps forward and looks around at the twilight-bathed wreckage)

Frieza: Everywhere we went, we always left a mess behind. Even in my wandering days I always seemed to leave some kind of trouble in my wake. For once, I'd like to leave a place...better than I found it.

(Frieza raises his arms to the skies, magical energy surging over them. The dim stars seem to wink out for a moment, then grow to several times their normal size. Rays of rainbow-colored light shower across the decaying rubble, illuminating the scene as at dawn. The ethereal radiance begins to envelop the broken stone and metal fragments, dissolving them into its essence and reshaping them into a luminous new form. As Magnus watches in awe the florid lights solidify, fading into the once-familiar visage of Metro City. The ephemeral display of starshine slowly gives way to the more constant glow of streetlights. The city stands shining and new, better even than at the height of its golden age. It remains unpopulated, but as the world comes to realize that the chaotic mass of world travelers and super-beings that had once invaded it are gone for good they will gradually return to find all that they'd once lost restored to them. Every building stands just as it had once before.

All but one.

Turning back to the bar, Magnus sees the one significant improvement Frieza has made. The locked building glows restored and new like the rest, but in front of it now stands a life-sized statuary of the whole bar gang posing with their signature drinks in hand. At the center of it lies an enchanted fountain, endlessly flowing with liquor of all kinds. At the base of the scene reads a simple, unassuming bronze plaque: “RIDE FOR LIFE”)

(Frieza smiles, admiring his work for a moment. Then, waving goodbye to Magnus, he steps away and opens a portal in front of him. But it is not a foldspace rift, as he usually used to travel around: this portal is blue as the morning sky. Before entering he stops, looking back at the place he'd so long called home one more time)

Frieza: Ride on, guys. Cheers.

(The former mercenary steps through the inter-dimensional gate and vanishes into the light of a new beginning)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TubHXvBDt0w

Closing time
Open all the doors and let you out into the world
Closing time
Turn all of the lights on over every boy and every girl
Closing time
One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer
Closing time
You don't have to go home but you can't stay here

I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
Take me home

Closing time
Time for you to go out to the places you will be from
Closing time
This room won't be open till your brothers or your sisters come
So gather up your jackets, move it to the exits
I hope you have found a friend
Closing time
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
Take me home

Closing time
Time for you to go out to the places you will be from

I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
Take me home

I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
Take me home

Closing time
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end