Trunks/Vegeta/Liger/Zechs
Frieza
Ace
Sub
SolarSonic
Galactic
Magi
Nemo
12/19/2005
(Broadcasts
of stupid television shows on primetime and radio signals are cut into by a
strange sound. Static and noise come through the speakers of many recieving
devices until they finally die down into someone's scratchy voice.)
"Hello," he says a bit annoyed. "This thing is on right?"
Plink! Plink!
The camera finally focuses on the nose hairs of a stocky saiyan with black
hair. He looks at the lens with his right eye and then backs off, satisfied
that the stupid device works.
"I told you we shouldn't have killed the cameraman," someone outside
of the picture said.
The saiyan bristles and turns to where the voice came from. "Shut
up!" He then turns toward the camera again, giving the watching world a
smug smirk. "Ladies and gentlemen of the Earth. Be afraid."
The camera pans quickly to the left and past the target before settling onto a
fat man in a red suit with a black eye. He sits in a solid oak chair that looks
as much like a throne as it does a prop from a torture chamber.
"This is Santa Claus, the patron saint of your so called holiday of peace
and brotherhood; Christmas." He calmly walked over to the man and stood
beside his chair. "He is also the source of much greed and strife and
insanity induced by you humans and your sickening gift giving habits.
Especially the giving of gifts to those not deserving anything." He looked
at the nervous bearded man in the chair and sneered. "The weak are
undeserving of gifts this holiday season, so nobody but members of the SPA and
select others are going to get presents from dear old Saint Nick this
year."
"Here, here," some boistrous voice from off screen said. "I'll
finally get that pogo stick."
The saiyan sighed. "Stop thinking so small, Nemo. Wish for something you
couldn't imagine getting for Christmas. Like--"
Clop! Clop!
The chair jumped twice as the old saint tried to jump up and run for his life,
but something kept his fat ass glued to the throne. All he could do was
comically move in place while rocking the chair.
The saiyan stepped back. "That's a shame Santa. You don't want to
cooperate? Ace, Frieza. You and my son picked him up. Show him what happens
when he doesn't go along with the show."
The camera went static ridden for a moment as a small line of light shot into
Santa's left knee. After a gunshot, a bloody hole seemed to open in his
shoulder. The old man groaned in pain, but couldn't move an inch. Slowly, the
bullet inched its way out of his skin and the burn on his knee from the beam
started to fade slowly away.
"I assure you that we'll do a lot worse if someone tries to save him us.
Guns and death beams are only the tip of the iceberg. So sit down, cry, and
despair as we open the presents of every child watching and then destroy them.
It'll be a merry merry christmas for us this year."
I was
wondering if we were going to do this this year.
As a
Jewish person raised in a location more than predominately Christan, this is
something I've always wanted to do. So many psychotic christmas shoppers.
Thank you for making my holiday wishes come true! ^_^ Let the SPA reign
supreme!
Frieza:
Ah, that's right. This is Magi's first time. Well there may only be 5 days left
until Christmas, but that should be enough time for him to live out his holiday
fantasies. We'll just have to make it more intense.
Santa: (muffled noises of despair)
Frieza: Oh, quit whining. We let you off last year, and the year before that we
didn't even torture you! Your philanthropic enterprise even went through thanks
to that kitsune girl. I assume it did, anyway; I didn't get anything.
Ace: Yeah, MAN! You should be thankful that we let you go at all after what
you've done.
Santa: (muffled question)
Trunks: What you've done?!
(Kicks Santa in the groin)
Vegeta: You may have started out giving humble gifts that brightened lives
those thousand years ago, but now all you do is feed the dependence of those
who grow soft on your bounty. You made this planet fat!
(Punches Santa)
Frieza: You promote greed and materialism! Those materials are mine!
(Blast's Santa's face with energy ball)
Ace: You've still got us on that backward-ass naughty list!
(Stabs Santa's eye with cattle prod)
Trunks: You raise energy prices by depleting the world's coal supply!
(Shoves sword down Santa's throat)
Chibi Trunks: You put thousands of toy stores out of business!
(Kicks Santa in shin)
Vegeta: Boy, who said you could stop cleaning toilet?
Chibi Trunks: Mom.
Vegeta: That's a damn lie and you know it. Tonight's your mother's Bridge game.
Bulma: Vegeta!
(Vegata dives under a table)
Bulma: What were you thinking?!
Vegeta: That you had Bridge tonight.
Bulma: I did. Until the United Nations peace force destroyed our house looking
for you!
Vegeta: What?! I thought we had a treaty!
Bulma: Well apparently there was something in the fine print about kidnapping
the most famous person on the planet!
Trunks: Don't worry Mom, Santa will give us a new house. Won't you Santa?
Santa: (spaceship noises)
Trunks: ...um...
(Santa's belly explodes like a bowl full of organs. Nemo emerges)
Nemo: There's no presents in here!
Ace: His cloth sack, Nemo, not his digestive sack.
Frieza: Ah, it's too bad Sub isn't here to enjoy this.
Santa: (muffled hooray)
Frieza: But don't worry, I've invited the Grinch again to fill in for him.
Santa: (depressed hohoho-like sounds)
(Tabcef) A familiar group of
customers to the bar bursts open through the windows.
Bullets.
A large spray of 9mm bullets come blowing through the door,
along with another familiar face, diving through the slightly bullet-ridden
window with the bar logo painted on it. Bottles and the like break all over the
bar, leaving a mess of glass behind the bar counter.
Diving behind the futon-like object near the entrance, Tabcef reloaded his dual
9mm pistols.
He shouts sarcastically, "Tis the season to be giving!", as he fires
off another clip before ducking back behind the futon.
Lol, I
miss the Holidays. Even santa Zechs is here
http://img373.imageshack.us/img373/8417/santazechscopy1ircopy5fv.jpg
Bulma's
screams of concurrent anger and fear threatened to drown out the hail of
bullets smashing bottles and splintering cheap tables. It was so annoying that
Tabcef could hardly concentrate enough to notice that an unusual number of his
shots were funneling into Santa Clause.
Frieza: Ah, Tab, so good of you to stop by. Your rescue attempt was cut short
last time. Maybe this year it'll last long enough for you to see Santa cough up
his intestines.
Does
anybody want to continue this, or should I write up an ending again?
I'm
really not in the mood for RPing... So whatever you guys want to do.
Doesn't
have to be fighting. I'm up for comedy.
1/1/2006
The
following outburst was brought to you in part by last night's 12 oz. Mouse
marathon.
---
Tab ignites another hail of lead at his enemies, carefully misfiring one shot
at a pool of liquor trickling from behind the counter. The bottles on the back
wall exploded in a wave, filling the room with burning clouds of wasted booze.
Using this as a cover, the fox rushes out and quickly claps his hands
“BURNING SEAR!!!”
Most of the SPA was caught off guard and shielded themselves in expectation,
but Ace remembered the attack and had time to jump out of the forming hexagon
and bombard the interloper with spiked punches. His concentration was broken,
saving the mercenaries from the full power of the attack. Tab prepared to
regroup, but the warriors paused at the single “Ho ho ho” that echoed across
the city with startlingly bitter venom and malice.
A 9-reindeer-driven sleigh descended through the front wall, tripping the
suicidally obedient beasts into a mangled heap of bloody hooves and antlers.
Equally obedient to its momentum, the sleigh ran over the panicking bucks,
reached the end of its rope, and flipped back landing upside-down on the choked
mass of brown fur. Its lone green rider had flipped out at the last second and
now stood on top of the upturned craft. He shook his arms in the air
self-importantly and shouted as arcs of green lightning danced from his
fingers, sucking all traces of joy from the room.
“Merry Grinchmas!!!” he decreed as flamboyantly as humanly possible while still
maintaining an air of sarcastic contempt. An awkward silence followed.
“AWKWARD SILENCE,” Nemo pointed out, thus making the moment sentient and
causing it to leave and embark on a journey of self-discovery and debauchery.
The yeti-like creature jumped down with flare, transfixed on the not-so-jolly
figure in the giant chair. “I come to meet this Santa one, to teach him of the
wrongs he’s done.”
“Later, Mr. Grinch,” Frieza promised the rhyming horror. “We’ve got uninvited
company.”
The Grinch threw a quick glance at the assembled fighters and looked
questioningly back at Frieza. The emperor subtly gestured at Tabcef. The green
muzzle formed a misanthropic grin, began to stroll toward the furry gunslinger
with an air dignity, then abruptly broke into an animalistic assault.
Frieza: There. That should keep him occupied. Now we can get back to torturing
Santa.
Trunks: Don’t we have to watch out for splash damage?
(Green lightening and bullets fly by and mysteriously gravitate into Santa’s
face)
Frieza: Nah. I think we’re covered.
Vegeta: Great. Then we’re all set.
Bulma: (cloths scorched from explosion) Oh no we’re not!
Vegeta: (buries face in hands) Oh right.
Bulma: You guys have to be the stupidest criminals in history. You don’t kidnap
the most generous person in the world, not to mention one of the biggest
contributors to the global economy, televise your identities, and keep him in
the same city 4 years in a row!!!
Frieza: Well, we did take a 1-year break after the third-
Bulma: Whatever! The point is that the whole world wants to kill you and
everybody knows where to find you!
Ace: That’s nothing new. Half the people in this city were on NATO’s most
wanted list, but there ain’t jack they can do since this world is so weak, MAN.
Bulma: Well they sure weren’t too weak to demolish my house! Now either give
Santa back or fix all this with the Dragonballs!
(The miraculously functional phone on the wall rings. Nemo answers it)
Nemo: Hello…yes…maybe…that’d be purple…yes, they’re actually nouns...we’ll take
12…awkward silence…ok. Bye (hangs up).
Vegeta: Who was it?
Nemo: Idunno.
Vegeta: (smacks face) Well what did they say?
Nemo: What did who say?
(Nemo is grinched. Half of the front wall explodes)
Voice
on megaphone outside: Attention drunks. This is the United Nations peace force.
The following is a message from the United Nations. We the people of Earth have
tolerated your drunken misconduct, your piracy, your illegal weapons trading,
your terrorism, etc, but we will no longer tolerate the abduction of Santa
Claus on Christmas Eve. Surrender peacefully or you will be neutralized.
Frieza: I seem to recall you dropping nukes on us last time and it not working.
Voice: We’re aware of your powers and I assure you that we’ve taken the
necessary measures to bring you down. If you surrender and agree to face trial,
your lives might be spared.
(The gang responded to this offer by throwing Santa’s right arm out the window.
It explodes, knocking back the heavily armored line of soldiers and tanks)
Ace: What do you think they’re planning?
Frieza: They do seem unusually confident. They probably hired some moron who
thinks he’s powerful enough to defeat us.
(Goku walks in)
Goku: Hi guys! I’m here to get Santa back.
Vegeta: Kakarot? They hired you to kill us?
Goku: Yeah. First they blew up my house because they thought I was with you,
but once I explained that I wasn’t they agreed to pay me for my help.
Vegeta: Great. I haven’t had anything to drink in hours and now I have to deal
with you. A fine Christmas this has turned out to be.
Tabcef: Hey, I was handling this! Stay out!
Goku: Actually, they told me to kill you too.
Tabcef: What?! But I’m not with them!
Goku: I Toto dat.
Galactic Magi: (smacks Goku) No.
Trunks: Goku, did you ever stop to think that the government might be lying to
you?
Goku: But the government never lies!
Nemo: Read write error.
Grinch: Enough of this talk! To hell with this game! If fight us he will, I’ll
put him to shame!
(Grinch launches green lightning at Goku. Goku turns pink)
Grinch: That…wasn’t supposed to happen…
Goku: Yes it was.
Frieza: Hold on. The UN peace force just sent in THAT (indicates neon pink
Goku) and expected it to start indiscriminately killing SASBers. I know
government officials can be stupid at times, but they’d have to be completely
insane to be serious about this.
(Everyone agrees)
Ace: Think he’s just a distraction, MAN?
Frieza: More like the entertainment before the show.
Ace: We need booze.
Frieza: Agreed.
Trunks: But where can we find that?
Frieza: Your mom.
Bulma: Me?
Frieza: Huh? Oh. I forgot you were here. I was talking about…what the hell was
I talking about?
Nemo: Probably the same way you uncork champagne.
Frieza: Nemo…wait, did Nemo just make sense?
Tabcef: Hold on, hold on…hold on…hold on…wasn’t that the name of a song?
(Furniture slowly shifts to the corners of the room)
Chibi Trunks: Dad, the toilets are bleeding.
Vegeta: That’s just your imagination, son.
Chibi Trunks: I know, but they keep absorbing the scrub brush.
Vegeta: What?! How dare those porcelain bastards steal my property!
(Blows up wall leading to bathroom. Is greeted by Jupiter)
Vegeta: Hey Jupiter. Have you seen my toilets?
Frieza: Vegeta, you’re talking to a planet.
Ace: Guys, we need BOOZE, MAN!
Galactic Magi: With umbrellas.
Nemo: Then there’s only one logical course of action.
(Inhales)
Nemo: The time this time.
(Wall clock is offended by Nemo’s statement)
Subconscious dream sensation
(The
reindeer pile explodes, flying reindeer whiz and circle drunkenly around the gang,
knocking over cardboard walls and floor layers. Traffic emerges in hyper cones)
Grinch: Absurdities! Rhythmic pentameter parameter rhyme damn you!
Trunks: Zechs, I think you’ve had enough.
Liger: I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough you (turns into Bush) TURN IT OFF!
TURN IT OFF!
Ace: Is it just me, or is there something very wrong here HUE MAN?
Frieza: Well, Nemo’s existence makes more sense than usual. And we’re in some
kind of maze of orange cones.
Nemo: Hey guys, this clock is wrong. It supports applying capital gains tax to
returns due solely to inflation. And it says it’s tomorrow.
(Clock inhales Nemo)
Grinch: KA-ME-HA-ME-HA!!!
(Nobody is drunk)
Unconscious relaxation
Goku: Guys??syuG
(A mirror containing Santa smashes on Goku)
Sanku: Let the true spirit of Christmas shine through.
(Goes super saint-jin)
Grinch: I have the strength of 10 grinches plus two!
(Goes super insane, acquires television special)
Tabcef: Hippies!
(Flowery meadow consumes non-bar, drifts by)
Bulma: Ninjas!
(Japan is a chakra, shreds the passing meadow)
Trunks: Can’t sleep…clown’ll eat me.
(Clown eats Japan)
Vegeta: (penguins) Uh, guys, what were we doing?
Nemo’s arms: I don’t know, but the clock looks pretty angry.
(Clock flails its hands, chops salami, is struck by lightning made of ducks)
Guitar: What a pleasant nightmare
And I can’t wait to get there again
Every time I close my eyes
There’s another vivid surprise
Another whole life waiting
Chapters unfinished, fading
Closer now - Slowly coming into view
I’ve arrived - Blinding sunshine beaming through
(The fog of insanity parts momentarily to solid white that struggles to remain
solid)
Ace: What do you see Spades? I can’t fight this much longer!
Spades: It’s a beam of concentrated random insanity coupled with temporal
distortion coming from an orbital weapons platform.
Ace: Knock it out!
Spades: It’s balancing you in a dangerous position. If I disrupt it, you might
get erased or killed or cleaning.
Ace: You’re breaking up! What do we do?!
Spades: We need booze!
Ace: Play it again. The message turned into insanity.
Spades: Get drunk! The less attached to reality you are, the less affected your
thoughts will be. Then you can get yourselves out.
(The gang looks around, sees nothing but white)
Ace: But forsooth, we’ve no liquor!
Spades: (sigh). I’ll see what I can do. Honestly, you need to stop command
prompt circle square roll back circle.
(The light collapses, is replaced by leprechauns)
Leprechaun:
Hidi hi, now ye die!
Frieza: The beer that saved Christmas?
(The beer that saved Christmas floats by and explodes in a wave of solid
alcohol. The SPA drinks)
Vegeta: Ah, that’s better. Now how the hell do we get out of here?
Galactic Magi: Nemo, you’ve been wandering around pretty freely. Have you found
anything?
Nemo: I think this clock knows something, but it just keeps spinning.
Frieza: Out with it clock! Who is the king of tinsel town?!
(Grows Christmas lights)
Ace: Poor bastard. Blessed and cursed with body chemistry immune to alcohol.
Grinch: Free us at once! I came here to torment Claus, not to babble like an
idiot.
Goku: Blahblahblahblahblahblah-
(Vegeta shoves Goku into a piranha)
Nemo: Guys! It’s New Years Eve! Do you know what that means?!
Trunks: Five days already?! We’ve gotta hurry and-
Nemo: No, I mean it’s been exactly one year today since Sub was last here!
(Even the insanity stops to look at Nemo)
Insanity: Well now, you’re the last person I would’ve expected to be thinking
about Sub.
Ace: What’s your point?
Nemo: Maybe if we clap our hands and believe really loud, he’ll appear and
murder someone!
(Nemo and the clock clap and believe)
Ace: I got a better idea.
Ace thrashes his Redstreak axe, singing words of order and freedom. The
vibrating strings ignite in white fire whose radiance parts the ever-changing
dreamscape of random insanity. The bubble of distorted reality containing the
bar adopts a more tangible boundary as the minds of the SPA ascend to the point
of being able to perceive it. With an electric cadence, the spellsinger’s din
finally opens a door in the ether. They grab the less oriented of their group,
leaving Goku to die, and run through the waning gateway to the streets outside
the bar. The last out, Ace emerges just in time to hear the Saiya-jin prince
decree their tormentor’s destruction.
“FINAL FLASH!!!”
Ki erupted from converging hands, disappearing in the morning sky, eviscerating
a secret weapons platform and 17 other satellites. The anomaly enveloping the
bar vanished. Nothing remained but a crater and a dizzy Saiya-jin.
“Agh, my head,” complained the lavender headed one. “Where did the UN get that
kind of weapon anyway?”
“Most likely bought it from a dimension traveler. Or had it donated. We’re not
exactly sparse on enemies,” Frieza assessed.
“Did they rescue the fat guy,” Magi asked.
“Nope, got him right here,” Ace patted the unconscious mound of blubber. “Guess
they couldn’t think of a way to get him out without freeing us. Pretty
desperate move.”
The alcoholics collected their
thoughts as the sun dawned on them. “Some Christmas,” Frieza mused. “And New
Year too? Or did we go all the way to spring?”
“We made it,” Nemo informed him, staring melancholic into a broken wall clock.
“Happy New Year.”
It occurred to the SPA that they could actually see the horizon. Buildings for
miles lay flat where before they were only dilapidated. More peculiar, mounds
upon mounds of shrapnel from UN military vehicles covered the ground. Body
parts and shredded uniforms speckled the macabre potpourri. Mounds of it
protruded from deep craters collapsed into the sewer system. The pavement was
covered with several inches of dust and dirt.
“What the hell happened here,” Tabcef pondered the carnage.
“I guess you guys still have a few friends after all,” Bulma smiled at the
horror, more serene than they had ever seen her.
Frieza regarded the idea carelessly. “It could’ve been anyone. There’re plenty
of people who hate Santa. Everyone knew we were here, and this wasn’t a
particularly strong army. Hell, it was probably Zarbon.”
Nemo’s piercing enthusiasm shattered Frieza’s apathy with one word. “Look!”
He pointed at the ground a few feet in front of them. There was a small
clearing in the rubble, a place where the earth was still level. In it sat a
single unopened green bottle encrusted in days old blood with a red bow around
its neck.
They all stared at it for a few moments. Santa was the first to leave, breaking
into a run. Nobody bothered following him. His one special night was already
ruined. Finding a way back north without his sleigh would be torture enough.
Tab and the Grinch departed without a word. There was nothing left to say.
Frieza looked away from the emerald gift and smiled at the sun. “I think I’ll
start the new year with a little walk. I’ll see you guys tomorrow,” he said and
began to hop slowly from one peak of wreckage to another.
Ace turned the other way. “I’ve got some places to go. Later.” He began to
leave, turned to remind their leader. “Don’t forget, put the bar in another
part of town when you get around to rebuilding it. Don’t worry about where.
We’ll find ya,” and he was gone.
Vegeta and Trunks were fixed on the beer.
“Rock, paper, scissors!”
“Ha,” Vegeta triumphed. “Score!”
“Oh no you don’t.” Bulma grabbed him by the ear as he bent down to claim his
prize. “You two are coming home. We may be late for the holidays, but we’re
going to make up for it with a BIG New Year’s celebration. Come on!”
Nobody knows what Galactic Magi did. Nobody ever knows what he does. He never
tells anybody. Maybe he went back to space to continue his magi…ing.
While everyone else was looking at the beer, Nemo had turned his clock into
colorful squares of confetti and thrown it into another dimension. Once
everyone was gone, he approached the festive bottle wearing his usual oblivious
smile. He picked it up and held it almost against his nose. “And a happy New
Year,” he affectionately replied to its unspoken wish.
With a quick spin and a cheerful noise, he tossed it into the air. It spun a
few times before popping like a bubble into mist. As he departed for wherever
he was going, every cloud for miles open up in a golden shower of innocuous
nectar. For no reason. And that’s the story of the SPA’s fifth holiday season.
